Weight

You’re so thin

It hurts but it’s good hurt… at least at first

I go to the gym

You’re so thin, I wish I had your body

I go to class

You’re so thin, you look so fit

I post a picture to instagram

You’re so thin and gorgeous

I go visit family

You look so thin

I go to the store I buy protein bars because I’m in a phase of my anorexia that says this is the only food I can have

You’re so thin

I feel self-conscious when he stares because his eyes follow the line of my legs up the sides of my figure

I can see him “like” it

You’re too skinny

Samoan boys don’t like a thin girl they want a soft pillow

You need to put on some weight

I go to buy a bra. I dropped another size.

The mirrors show me every angle of me

I look in the mirror with tears in my eyes I ask who is she?

Who is this girl called thin?

How thin does thin have to be before she feels like she’s “enough” like she’s worth loving?

How long before she can eat a bowl of ice cream without fighting not to puke afterwards? Go to a mall and eat junk pizza and not calculate how many pushups how many sprints to burn that. When will it be okay to not constantly be hungry?

How long is my name going to be “thin”? Even though when I look in the mirror every day she says you’re fat your’re worthless noone will love you if you put on weight you are disgusting you are a slave to food weak pathetic no backbone no discipline… among other things

I take pictures for therapy. They’re supposed to help teach me that when I look at my body to learn to appreciate it for what it can do and the beauty of it.

I don’t see beauty I see fat stamped all over my worthless flesh. I see pain and emotional scars scratched in. I see loneliness and lies and shame… I see brokenness

And I don’t know how to unbreak20161221_211241

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