I thought of him today

But it wasn’t him

There’s this guy

I call him Teddy Bear

He’s Polynesian. About six feet tall, built wide and multi-purpose. Fluffy black hair. A happy smile.

For some reason when I met him I lost his name and he’s teddy bear.

He’s like a big older brother who teases me and plays around but he’s harmless

There are a lot of things I didn’t tell him

But today… I did.

I was crying and it’s instinct for my samoan/tongan brothers to just HUG it out of you

I was shaking because everything inside just hurt so much and I knew what I had to do but it was so difficult. I just snapped. It’s like when you about to hit that last sprint drill and you just snap and you’re about to cry from the pain and you’re so tired but you get in your coaches face and say forget limits I’m there let’s break this time

But… along with that feeling was feeling alone and just being tired beyond tired.

There is not a word in any language I know of that matches how weary I feel today.

And teddy bear asked me if I was okay

Excuse me there are tears pouring down my face, I have no tissues, and I just wiped snot off my face with my hoodie sleeve and I don’t do laundry on Sundays and I’m missing another period excuse me the word “okay” need not apply

But then he walked me outside and just said come sit here with me and he leaned back and pulled me up onto his chest and let me cry.

“Don’t cry my little sister.”

His friends asked him what was going on and I heard the soft rough Samoan being spoken around me but I didn’t even try to listen. It was soothing.

I had no idea when I looked to the sky and wished for a friend that he would be the friend. That teddy bear would be my teddy bear and help me get through a hard moment.

I had no idea why I was crying. None of this is new. It’s been a long ride.

But I think the saddest part for me was the man I love, his was the first heartbeat I ever heard, and when I cuddled with Teddy Bear, the first’s name was on my lips

Bittersweet.teddy bear.jpg

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