Somedays

It’s not like sometimes

When you say sometimes it’s kind of wistful like oh sometimes when it’s snowy outside I go to Barnes and Noble wearing imitation Uggs, leggings, and a big cozy hoodie and snuggle up with a latte and a book

Sometimes I like to just stop in the rain and smile

Sometimes I like to touch starfish, dance in the seafoam and sand

Somedays is different

Somedays is like somedays it’s like I don’t have an eating disorder

Somedays I can eat three meals a day and not cry for hours later

Somedays I can look in the mirror and think oh she’s so cute

Somedays it’s like the rape never happened

Somedays I think hey maybe it’s possible I’m a beautiful, capable girl who has everything going for me

Somedays it’s like I’m normal again

I don’t remember what that feels like

Because there are also other days

Other days like today

I’m a big girl now but I get tired of being tough all the time and handling all the bills and the doctors and the crying and the headaches and having those dark assassins inside viciously tearing me apart and not knowing where to turn or who to ask for help

It’s like I’ve been underwater for over a year

Like I was frozen into glass, icecold glass that burned like fire, pain beyond the point of feeling

Dark churning waves and wartorn skies but on the outside I look like I’m fine. That’s what I say, anyway, when people ask

But somedays like today I had another night full of nightmares and more news about someone else getting married.

Sometimes when I was little I used to imagine what it’d be like to put on a white dress as cute as a cupcake topping and marry a handsome husband and I’d be the best wife ever. Sassy. Cute. Determined. Fierce.

But when I found out about the rape those dreams died inside me.

So I was walking alone on a winter’s night in the cold, shivering, and wishing I had some comfort to go back to in my room but instead… more nightmares.

Somedays I wake up from nights like that and I’m fragile.

I look tough on the outside. I act tough. But deep inside I have deep burning wounds cut and charred into me. I know what it’s like to hurt beyond hurt. I guess people think I’m tough because a normal level of pain like “ow I fell off my bike” doesn’t phase me. Last time I fell off my bike onto the road and was cut and bleeding I smiled, laughed, and said “Hey. Doesn’t matter girl, walk it off.”

But somedays that doesn’t work

Today was one of those somedays

I was reading a beautiful quote I found online by this man called Dieter Uchtdorf “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” “Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you have ever heard?”

Somedays I’m okay and I can hide it. Somedays… it breaks me and other people see.

Somedays a friend walks me out of the meeting and just says come here and I just lay my head on his chest and cry

Sometimes I’m fragile

But that doesn’t make me any less strong

 

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