Savage

I saw this ad once, enjoy the simple pleasures

The small treasures

I was thinking about it today because there are times when being seriously screwed up inside changes your eyes

Think about it

As a little girl sometimes, before things happened, I remember books

I remember playing and stories about fairies and dragons and mermaids, unicorns… I tended to love the beastly creatures the best

Honestly… I loved the beastly creatures because deep inside many of the creatures were misperceived

A wolf has her teeth to rend and tear and her claws to catch and bring down

Why does she do it?

To feed herself and her pack

But would she ever savage her own?

No.

A human would. And humans, in fact, do. We kill babes just out of the womb. Humans savage their own children, twist their lives and fates, break their bodies and minds. Forevermore blood-letting because abuse doesn’t ever stop. Abuse starts and cycles through generations of families, breaking hearts and minds, tearing families apart over and over. Forevermore bleeding inside…

I suppose from a young age I understood that better than most. I also had eyes that were different from the girls that used to bully me. I spent a lot of time alone, imagining up my own friends, avoiding memories and triggers. Hiding from myself by becoming someone else in my play. In all my stories there were monsters but usually my monsters were beautiful.

I was never afraid of creatures others thought were beastly

Because I knew sometimes the most beastly creatures wore a business suit and tie

Beauty or Beastly is about what lies within the heart

I have always been an animal whisperer, I understood animals. Driven by needs and wants, unashamedly reading their surroundings to protect themselves and maximize their own benefits. Dogs would pull off the leash and cross the street to greet me. Cats would come purring to sit with me. Horses nickered at my approach. Usually savage wild animals were less savage…

The difference between us and the beast is that a human knows what is wrong when he savages, and the animal knows only instinct and response

My friend Teddy Bear. Big, strong, if he wanted to hurt someone he could. I have no doubt if he was pushed, Teddy Bear could kill someone. In fact he promised he would, if my abuser ever came back to hurt me. I know he would. But Teddy Bear would have to get past me because I would be the first in line to beat that man.

But his nature is not in his appearance. Mirrors tell lies. Eyes tell lies. The senses cannot always be trusted. The inner sense of the spirit is the eyes to see and ears to hear.

His name is Teddy Bear because he is capable of becoming a savage beast, but his heart is gentled by a lifetime of love and grief.

I myself… I know my inner beast. She is an absolute savage. If a rapist tried for me again I would let her take care of him.

Taming the beast… There is no such thing as a tamed beast. The potential for beastly, is still there. As long as there is breath and the fire of life, the potential for savagery is within like an unquenchable spark.

I would never dream of using the word tame in reference to Savage. Savage is there to protect me. It’s not about taming at all.

Savage is complex at first but raw, deep inside, she is quite simple. She is the protector. She is the guardian. She is the one who fights back against the impossible and breaks the limits of human endurance so that I can fight another day.

She’s not an obstacle to my recovery, she’s one of the strongest supporters. At the same time Savage knows no trust, no affection, no love. She is cold and hard inside because within her heart lies the most ardent passion. When she loves, she loves strong and hard and forever. There is no breaking her. She will endure anything. But she has to be treated a certain way, just like any beastly. Sometimes the way she fights against the odds breaks the body, damages the mind, she’ll pull us through but not necessarily in one piece. Sometimes she pulls us through by pushing too hard against the limits. Sometimes she can’t fight all the opponents so she lets one through. Anorexia… is one of those she let through so that I could live through the depression and PTSD. So that I had some semblance of control in a life that was spiraling out of control. But there are consequences for her choice that make me hate her.

It’s impossible to kill Savage without hurting myself. It’s difficult to look in the mirror every day and realize that some of the ways Savage fights back are hurting me worse. I need to come to terms with Savage and work with her better.

So many people see me as kind and sweet. But deep inside I’m a savage. She is blood of my blood and bone of my bone and no matter what happens we’re going to see the end of this together, however it ends. At the end of my life hopefully far into the future Savage and I will go for a walk together under a fiery sky, look at each other in the eye, and know that we are one.anorexia-cover

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