Yesterday when I snapped… I haven’t seen Teddy Bear since that moment and I’m grateful because he can see through me now. He knows the real reason all this has happened. I can’t hide. And I’m so afraid that this broken, scarred person, won’t be worth his time or his friendship, or his love.
I feel unbeautiful. I feel fat. I feel broken inside. I feel like I’m drowning. I have plans for what to do but I don’t have the energy to do any more. I have to get up tomorrow and run the play on my injury. My invisible injury.
It’s not so invisible though. Yesterday, after the true story tore out of my throat all he said was “Oh, is that why you’re always so depressed?”
Yes. Yes it is. I never had a chance against the circumstances that hit me. This had to happen, because of what happened to me as a child. The silence had to break. The suffering has to be fought through.
Teddy Bear listen. Teddy Bear please. I have a secret to tell you. You can’t tell anyone else.
I lie. I lie a lot. I’m not really okay. You’re my friend? Can I tell you my secrets?
Will you leave me if I tell you? Will you turn your back on me Teddy Bear?
Am I really going to be okay Teddy Bear? Will you stay with me?….
I need you to know, Teddy Bear. Cuddle please? I need a hug. I’m scared to say it, I think you’ll hate me if I tell. I’m afraid he’ll hurt me if I tell. I’m afraid no one can love me after what happened. I’m ashamed. I’m so scared.
Teddy Bear please just be something I can hold onto. I hurt so much Teddy Bear. I can’t keep this up. The lying. The starving. The hiding. The hours of crying. The nightmares night after night.
Teddy bear please don’t leave me. Please don’t hurt me too. Please be my best friend Teddy Bear. I lost my last one. I promise I’ll hold you forever and be good to you. I’ll tell you all my secrets and you can sleep on my bed and protect me from the nightmares. And when I wake up I can tell you all the sweet dreams I had. I’ll cuddle you on rainy days. You can sit next to me when I draw pictures. I’ll take you on trips with me. I’ll never leave you Teddy Bear. I’ll never hit you or hurt you or forget about you.
Teddy Bear I have something I have to say
I need you to know what happened to me. And when I say it…
Will you still love me?