The Lies She Told Me

If you lose weight, you’ll be beautiful

People will stop and stare at that thin girl from the fairytale

She’ll be such a fantastic athlete, totally elite

She’ll look good in everything, be able to pull off any look because she’s thin

She can laugh it off when people notice she doesn’t eat because fairytale girls can live off of love and affection that comes pouring in

Look at her, she is so, happy

She has everything, the clothes, the health, the love, the cute adoring boyfriend, perfect grades

Look at you. Have you ever wondered why you’re depressed? You loved him and he left you. Left you because you’re flawed and broken. He never loved you back. Look at you, raped, abused, beaten by men. Take the energy other girls use to chase boys and run that extra mile.

Just look at your thighs. And when your mom says you have a big butt she’s right. You should be totally embarassed about that it’s way too big and clumsy. You need to be thin, streamlined. Muscular. But still thin.

That’s a sixpack but you’re still too fat.  Look at that tummy it’s like you’re pregnant! And look at your chest it’s tiny you look like a man. Your father says you’re disgusting when you dress in tight clothes, he’s right. You’re revolting. Just stop eating okay? Girls like you can never be the fairytale. Never have the happy ending.

You can starve yourself to bones and she’ll never shut up. The tumult in your head will never stop. She will devour your happiness, break your relationships, poison your mind against people who really do love you, she never got to be the fairytale girl so now she’s out killing the real princess. Out for the blood of princes and princesses alike. She doesn’t discriminate. She’ll take anyone

I always had a weakness. I got my confidence in athletics. By being stronger, faster, having more stamina. Channeling my stress, my needs, into longdistance running.

But there’s nothing now that can stop her from talking to me. When I got emotionally broken, my trust absolutely betrayed, my confidence shattered by the trauma, she came to me in the night and promised she could help me have a happy ending. All I had to do, was starve a little, and then when things were different, when I felt loved, she promised to leave. I was wary of her. I had a vague idea of what was happening… But I couldn’t stop and she had promised to leave, right? I could keep this up until she left.

She didn’t. She never intended to.

What hurts the most is I came to trust in her anyways. And her lies still reverberate in my head. My true friends can’t reach me. One of my boys took the time to stand me in front of the mirror and tell me everything that was beautiful about me and I still can’t believe him, even though I knew he meant every word.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s