412 Nights

I’ve been having nightmares for over a year now. About the abuse. About my friends that left me when my eating disorder hit. About my best friend who recently passed away. I also have nightmares about my anorexia.

People really don’t understand how much the small things matter until the small things get difficult.

I struggle to run my hand down my leg when I’m putting on sunscreen because the abuse taught me my body was disgusting and touch can be triggering of old memories I never want to re-experience.

I have a crush on someone. I think he’s handsome and I really want to kiss him, hug him, maybe hold hands… But I really need now to focus on me. To heal. And I never know what to expect from touch. He’ll have to learn more about sexual abuse if he goes out with me.

I told him how I felt a few days ago. You should have seen his smile.

Thing is I still love my best friend. But I have a cute crush on this guy. I’m honestly not sure what to do. My feelings are so tangled in my heart.

When I told him I had decided to

speak from the heart.

Because even through all this tumult and confusion of doctors, pills, treatments, diets, everytime I need rescuing it’s the voice in my heart that rescues me. I feel shadows, memories of when I felt loved and valued. When I loved my body. When it wasn’t attached to painful memories of horrors from the past. I see the faces of those I love behind my eyes and I keep going. Everyday strong.

I’m not going to lie. It is so hard for me to be vulnerable. Most of my eating disorder feeds off wanting to feel in control. But I want to have a boyfriend, feel what it’s like to be admired and loved by someone. I want him to want me and I want him to tell me that.

I want him to want to touch me. Treat me like a queen. Nurture me. Help ease some of the burden off my shoulders.

I’ve said no for so long because I wanted to be strong on my own, but my head is wrong. My heart is speaking to me. And I need to listen. My heart has part of the answer for right now, and it’s time to allow people to help.

The heart speaks.

And I listen.20170101_211505.jpg

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