Yesterday was so much fun. I had a day full of classes, medical bills, and counselors, and I was depressed. So I decided to buy my PCC friends some Oreo cookies and when I came to PCC and was just walking around…
“You look so good.” “You look great.” “You are so pretty”.
And then it got better. Back in high school I ran with football players like they were my brothers and my college doesn’t have a football team or track… or athletics. It sucks. It is the WORST. I hate it so much for that but it’s the only place for my major.
An entire football team of high school seniors from American Samoa came to the PCC and I saw them a few times. One of my Samoan men tried to set me up with one but that didn’t go anywhere. Nope. I don’t NEED any help.
Because I was standing there in Tongan village talking to a friend and then one of the boys starts talking to me. And then there are 9 more of them. Laughing, talking, it was so much fun. One of them gave me a flower. They invited me to visit in the islands.
Their coach even walked up and introduced himself and we talked about the upcoming tournament to get the boys scouted for university football and he said “Yeah they’ve been eyeballin’ you.” “I noticed.” “Yeah we’re trying to get them scouted at this tournament.” “Well they’re lookin’ good.”
And then they wanted pictures with me and a few of them wanted individual and next thing I know one’s holding me tight and tried for a kiss but I ducked… It felt really good, to be wanted. They were really snuggly. It felt warm and pleasant, nothing like I’ve experienced before.
I felt like a princess. My mental illnesses didn’t even matter. They just treated me like anyone treats a cute girl their age- testosterone overload flirtation- I felt HUMAN. I felt like a girl. I felt like I could like a boy and have a crush and not beat myself up for it.
I see it as weakness so I work out to beat out that need but I wonder if it’s part of what I need to be complete.
So many times I avoid that feeling of being a woman, I dress like a man. I spend most of my time with men. I forget who I am. And then someone reminds me I’m a princess.
I really appreciate those boys. In the next stage of my recovery I’m going to look for a sex therapist to help me learn healthy sexual attitudes and behaviors so someday I have a chance at healthy physical relationships with men that are romantic. Right now I barely allow hugs. Maybe soon the princess will give her first kiss.
I’m so happy. I felt so valued. And when I went to work out today I remembered that feeling, to be somebody’s princess, and I treated myself better than usual. ♡
I loved feeling wanted. I loved feeling attractive. I loved being held onto tightly and kissed softly on the cheek. I loved it when he made me smile. I loved his muscular body and how it felt to be in his arms. I loved it so much. I want to be with someone that wants me so much I can never doubt him.
Now I just gotta fight for it. Everyday Strong.