Because… Valentine’s Day is coming up and with all this triggering watching other happy people in relationships cuddle and buy each other chocolates, the tear in my heart is aching for that
When Ice caught me around the waist and kissed me on the cheek I felt so happy when he was touching me
I couldn’t figure out what that was because I never let people touch me. I shut off all my emotions and disconnect from touch all the time. Admitting to myself that I liked it, is hard.
The lies I believed growing up were you are a whore, your body is disgusting because I have used it and it is my discarded toy- which means noone else will ever love or touch you, and if you show that you want touch people will take advantage of your weakness
I’ve been thinking a lot about weakness. I’ve been really stressed lately and my needs aren’t being met. What I would really like, for Valentine’s Day or just for me is for a guy I feel safe and comfortable with to put in a movie and just snuggle with me.
My football boys and I were… well I was the no-touch tough one. My boyz were open and loving with touch. They never forced me but if they didn’t know what to say they knew what to do. What I liked about them the most was they knew how to comfort and take care but still respect my strength.
I felt okay, when they did it. They were just being sweet and I understood they meant no harm in touching me.
That Samoan who kissed me, I felt the same. He was being sweet to me and I absolutely respect men who are sweet to women without asking for anything back.
I know that it would help my health, to have more touch in my relationships, but I just can’t give so easily to that. It’s so hard to trust. And that lie I believe about my body being disgusting… I think he won’t want me. That I’m repulsive.
It’s a sweet, forbidden wish. To be loved.