Treatment

Rehab doesn’t take a day off

Whether you’re in a hospital unit in Switzerland or in a tiny apartment somewhere in the big city

Rehab is every time you hurt inside

When that thing inside that’s broken twists and forces you to recoil away from the “healthy” “good” choice you should be making

Rehab is every day you wake up after a nightmare and walk into your new life

People say yesterday doesn’t matter but your yesterday got you here today how can that not matter

Doctor’s offices. Some homey. Some sterile. Some modern. Some cozy.

I think the hardest doctor’s appointments are the ones where you go alone

Yesterday I got lost in downtown and my phone died and I had no way to get back home and I cried and prayed and sat on a bench and I told God I am so sorry, for what I have done. I should have known better. I. Am. Sorry.

And the worst knife was when I was crying under the stars, alone on a bench with cars flashing by, and I wished I had someone to call

I felt so alone in that moment. Of course as part of my rehab we learn to “see things a different way” so I got up, brushed off my hands, sang a Disney song, and walked off to find help.

I have another doctor’s appointment next week. Like I’ve had every week for longer than I can remember. And it just depressed me so much because I will most likely have to go alone.

It’s a gynecologist appointment. Which, for my sexual abuse, I might prefer to just cut my own soul out rather than go through with the tests they want.

I am so scared. But I have to be braver, stronger, harder, tougher. I can’t afford to give in.

My strength is made perfect in weakness.

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