He held me close, gently close, hips to hips, chest to chest
And then he bent his head and I felt the softest kiss on my forehead
He murmured into my hair
“Can I have a kiss please?”
I turned my face into his chest. I felt warm and safe and close with him but I was nervous, too. Wondering what was the right thing to do.
“I haven’t kissed anyone before.” I said shyly
“You’ll get used to it.” He promised “Just a kiss?”
“Noo…” I buried my face deeper. It felt good to be close to a boy. It reminded me of my guyfriends back home except warmer and closer.
I let him go under the streetlight. Not sure if I’d see him again. Not sure if I wanted to for the right reasons.
People don’t realize this, but rape changed the meaning of touch completely for me. Whereas some girls think nothing of a kiss I have to think very hard. Is this okay. Am I doing this to avoid facing the real issue? Am I a slut for wanting to be kissed and hugged? It’s hard to think of a kiss as something sweet and caring when for years it was a weapon used to punish and control.
I see the animal in men. That potential every one of them has to try to have power over me through abuse. And yet…
I only felt sweetness from Ice. No threat. No harm. Just gentleness.
That above all nearly brought the yes to my lips. I could have lifted my head and given my first kiss to him just because. But I didn’t. Fear won out again.
I’ve thought of kissing the one I really like but I’m afraid. Afraid of giving too much too soon. Of going in deeper than I should right now, while I’m focusing on recovery.
I’ve dreamed a little about what I want my first kiss to be like… which I never did before but I have to do now as part of therapy and I think I want it to remind me of strawberries. Innocent and sweet. Not as something animalistic and sexual. Something about giving and caring, instead of abusive pleasuring.
I struggle to give. I assume that a man that asks for a kiss, for a hug, is only in it to pleasure himself. To use me as his pleasure toy. The fact that a kiss can have a meaning like admiration, respect? I’ve never known that before.
Who will I give my strawberry kiss to? ♡