Tu Me Manque

Do you ever have that feeling in the pit of your stomach that someone is calling you away? You just want to wander into the stars. Or splash through the seafoam. Dance in fire. But also that feeling that you don’t fit. Like you’re trying to squeeze into clothing that is too small for you. Like there’s this heaviness tying you down.

I’m not sure what’s missing. But I know I’m out to find it.

I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t even draw what’s in my heart.

I think I’m afraid.

I think that my emotions are so powerful that when I try to put it into words I am afraid of the power that presence will bring. Without words it is a cloud. With words the boundaries and lines start to draw themselves, criss-crossing over and over again.

What is my heart looking for?

Peace? Comfort? A feeling of security? Some place to hide, to heal…

Is she looking for a person far away? Chasing an idea? Racing the clock? Maybe some dream is troubling her…

I’m afraid to write what I feel because it is not what I want others to see. I never thought I would see it in myself. God says to be open to change. To open my heart. To learn to trust again.

My heart is cold. The walls are hard. And I don’t think anyone thinks I’m worth the trouble of asking entrance. A dark shadow is in the corner of my mind. A closet I don’t want to remember. A blackness that seizes me, rapes me. The screaming. The pleading. The nights dripping with tears. The moonlight on the bed. The eyes dark with pain waiting for the dawn. The hard, hard strength that came to respond, to save. The grief that tore apart my peace of mind and agonized my spirit. The starving.

Starving.

There are many ways to starve.

I think part of how I am feeling is like… Being hungry. Being hungry for a long time. No matter what you do or how hard you try not to think about it this hungry feeling. A need. And urge. And as you wander hopelessly through deserts, through scorching heat and sun, through the nights full of dusky skies and bright stars… you occasionally see a “safe” place.

There’s like a tent. And there are people there in that tent but the tent flap is open so you can see inside. The people inside are cool, comfortable, dressed in clothes that fit and are good quality. The people are smiling and glowing with happiness. On the table shared by all is a cornucopia of food.

But you duck away from the entrance. The food is not for you. You aren’t worth feeding.

They don’t offer, either. They never even noticed you were there.

Some of the worst things you run into are the safe havens of friendship. Not just food. Companionship. You look in and you see two friends holding each other. Feeling perfectly safe and happy together. Not a care in the world.

It’s not for you either.

You’ve grown stronger, leaner, and slightly older now. Your steps are experienced and you seem to fly over the desert rather than run. But of course old pains and injuries ache. And your body is thinner. Your eyes harder, sadder. It’s getting harder to run. Your strength can fail at any moment.

And in those moments where you wish you could pass away from this body into the fire, into the stars, and end this state… You see what hurts most.

Not just food. Not just friendship. But also… That one thing that has been taken from you.

Love.

That word brings you pain and torment and anguish. You want it but you don’t. You have to be “strong” you must say no. You must  leave. This is not for you.

The hands of angels. The bloodied knife.

Taking pieces.

You look tired. You look tired. You look tired.

Try one day of my life.

This feeling that is so compulsory it makes me want to run and run and run away and never ever come back. The feeling that I want to be loved. That I want to be held and cuddled and have kisses and hugs… That- is my worst fear.

No matter how many bones I tear apart. How many muscles I strain or tear. That need will not go away. No matter how many meals I skip or sizes I drop, my body has been asking for this one thing.

The one thing I cannot give. That I cannot get by myself. That I cannot DO for myself. Is one of my most important needs.

For a strong girl the need to depend on someone else is the most terrifying thing in the world.

I’m tired of trusting. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of life in general.

The only thing that stops me from ending my life when I have those breakdowns… is strength.

I want to be strong. I want to overcome. I want to power through. I want to keep dreaming and keep believing and keep trying. I want a chance to seize life and have the most worthwhile life anyone who ever lived could ever even dream of. I want to keep running and experiencing and learning and helping people.

But… Usually what stops me. Even when I think no one cares and I just don’t care enough to care for myself… is first to be strong. And second… I can almost remember what it felt like to be loved. What it felt like to be happy and confident and secure in myself. And… I want that back.

I am trying to shove it ompletely down inside like it never happened but…

Being able to be with Tyson every day and just have someone who cared. To walk with me to class. Who respected me. Who made me laugh and smile… It was so special to me.

Texts from KT were so important because it meant someone was thinking of me who wasn’t even blood relative. He didn’t want anything bad to happen to me. I could trust him. I could talk to him about anything and he never said anything cruel back. Of course… He did forget me and abandon me. But… someday it will hurt less.

That voice that tells me I am fat and worthless…I don’t know what to say back to it. I always think my self-esteem was based on being God’s child and that made me beautiful. And now… I feel cold and alone a lot. I’m in pain a lot. And I’ve warped away from what is good. The darkness is too close. Now I never feel beautiful. Except when I’m out running and breathing, taking in life’s next adventure. When I’m dancing by the sea or sprinting through the rain. It makes me feel beautiful. It makes me feel alive. The strength… Strong is beautiful to me.

I am struggling a bit. I wish I hadn’t let Wally comfort me. I wish I had just canned it in and stuck it out like a good girl. Why was I so weak? Why did I ask for comfort? What I needed was a kick to get back up, not a sympathetic friend… At least… a kick is easier to understand than kindness is. And why why why did I feel so safe with Wally? Why did I relax? Why did I let him comfort me? WHY?

And then Sione- even though his gf said it was okay. It only worked when he hugged me like Tyson does and it reminded me of him.

And now because I’ve physically shut people out again what do I do… How can I get out? How can anyone reach me when I’m like this? It’s so dangerous for me emotionally to be so closed off. I know any second I could make that one choice. I know the stress is shortening my life, jeopardizing my health, but I can’t make it stop.

I can literally FEEL barriers going up. I let some people in a little way to see what they would do and then if they responded in a way that hurt me every barrier went straight back up and that person is under the DO NOT TRUST.

Tyson… I trust him because he earned it. He was kind. And… He cared for me. I think the moment that was most important was when I was walking down the hallway and I started crying because my grandma had died a few days before and Tyson tried to comfort me and he didn’t know what to do. And he was there every day. He didn’t complain. He tried to help me. I miss him.

KT got my trust… Because when my barriers were down thanks to a terrible day of PTSD and a total breakdown and my vulnerable side got exposed, KT didn’t hurt me. He never touched anything he wasn’t supposed to. He never threatened me or punished me or spoke harshly. Because he responded correctly to what was going on… I trusted him.

I miss Tyson.

Why can’t I speak to my mother? Am I starving again? Will anyone notice if I lose more weight? Will I be able to get help? Who can I trust? How can I do this? What is this going to do to me while I try to fix it? Is my leg okay or will I reinjure it? How can I possibly sleep?

To be honest if I could have anything in the world right now… And I’m not sure whether Tyson or KT would be better for this because Tyson is nottt cuddly with me we are FRIEND ZONE. But if I could have anything I want and I am absolutely ashamed of this. I would basically want to be held. Talk. Say what I’m feeling. Cry. And then fall asleep feeling safe and have someone there if I wake up from a nightmare. I want to feel warm and safe and relax a bit. Not be like this tight tense coil of stress and tension I am now. I want to feel safe from that dark dark presence in my life. I want my scars to hurt less.

I miss Tyson.

If I told him I needed help relearning touch handsdown Tyson would be first choice because he would help. I can rely on that. I can trust him not to touch me sexually or use me and leave me. He’s like a brother to me.

KT is MIA. But it’s okay I am getting over sushiboy no worries. He would have been very good for this too but because of what happened he’s lost some trust. I’m not angry anymore but he broke my trust and it’s more like I’m angry at people for all the hurt in my life- their fault or not.

    I have to go try to sleep. But yeah… I don’t know what to do or where to go. I’m making it up as I go and I just wanted to say that wish somewhere safe where no one could see because I know I can’t have it. Treatment.jpg

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