I pretty much live in the gym when my depression is bad. And this past week it’s been so bad it feels like trying to move through dark water. Praying for comfort feels like trying to light a candle underwater. It won’t ignite.
I do feel okay in one place. The gym. I’m injured again due to overexercise and poor nutrition so I can only work out there until my tibia is recovered between bike, elliptical, ab machines, leg weights, dumbbells, resistance bands…
But… the guy I like came yesterday. I was so depressed and angry and just frustrated at the world because I was lonely and it seemed like noone noticed I’ve been drowning. Not being able to feel a normal range of emotions and that crippling loneliness made me feel vulnerable and feeling vulnerable made me angry. I don’t WANT to have this. I don’t WANT to be like this. I don’t WANT to flinch away from that cute guy who tried to kiss me because I don’t trust men. I don’t want to tense because someone walked up behind me and have all my muscles lock in preparation to fight for my life. I didn’t ask for PTSD or depression or an eating disorder.
And I was on the bike going for an hour session for about 18 miles as my goal and then I glanced behind me because I felt someone may be looking my way. And there he was. He doesn’t come to the gym every day like I do. But he came that morning.
He greeted me, walking by my bike and I felt a jolt in my chest that had nothing to do with my pace. I pedaled faster focused harder but with him on the bike in front of me my eyes were drawn to him like a lodestone. He was wearing all red and looking… good. Normally I don’t care much about how guys are built but I like how this one is put together he’s a comfy size.
Months ago when I was crying he held me in his arms. I guess I can’t forget that. I can’t forget sitting across him and his wide brown hand with its butterfly light touch stroking gently up and down my legs one after the other. I can’t forget how gentle he was with me or how good it felt to be held and touched. When he massaged my back or stroked my hair. Pushing my face into his shoulder. Everything seemed… perfect.
I can’t forget how he looks at me when he thinks I’m not watching. I can’t forget his smile when I told him I like him. I can’t forget him.
But when he came to the gym and watched me work out I can’t forget how flustered I felt and how I covered it up by working out twice as hard as usual just to try not to focus on him. His eyes went to me several times. When I was doing weighted crunches. Side planks.Pushups. Stretches.
There are so many other guys at the gym who look at me so why is it this one that upsets me more than the rest of them? Why is this the one I like? How can I like him now is not a good time, I have my depression to handle.
Sweat drips off my forehead onto the floor but I don’t care because I’m angry. I’m angry at how helpless it makes me feel to like someone. How with a glance he has the power to make me feel a rush I have never felt. How sometimes in my daydreams I imagine his lips locked with mine and his muscular body up against me. I imagine my face in his shoulder or my hand on his shoulder. I imagine laughing with him and maybe holding his hand, wondering how big it is.
Savage dreams… Rob these other daydreams of their sweetness. It seems hopeless. My eyes and heart are bitter with loss and broken trust.
But those dark eyes are still watching me when I move. And when I ask “what?” Those lips are still saying “You’re beautiful”. They’re still inviting me closer.
It’s not like most guys who flirt with me. I can be utterly savage with them because those comments are “Ay you got some nice booty” “thanks, my boyfriend likes it too” or comments on my thighs like I’m some piece of meat. But this one is different. He says things like that sometimes too but when I don’t like it he stops. And it doesn’t seem fake like with the others because he’s watched me this way for months.
I don’t know what to do. I miss the moments of closeness I had with him. He was so good to hold close it made me feel alive. And in a world like mine, these positive feelings are ecstasy, the most addictive poison available.
I go to the gym to relieve my needs for physical touch and bonding and companionship but it’s never enough anymore. I long for another source of that good feeling. I long to be wanted and cherished just like anyone else. I have been lonely and broken for so long.
I don’t want to have these feelings, but I do. I see his eyes follow the curves of my body and I see the warm approval and desire that kindles in them and it makes me feel weak. It makes me feel weak to want those kisses he’s offered. I feel like I must stand alone until I have my life back together and that making a decision to have a boyfriend now, while I’m still so broken, can only lead to more heartbreak. But it’s lonely.
And loneliness kills.
I want you to hold me. I want to kiss you. I want you to tangle your hands in my hair. I want those breaks between kisses where you break away slightly and smile. I want to hear those words you say about me being beautiful. I want to show you I care but I don’t know how. I’m so scared of my past breaking my present time with you that I’ve locked all this inside.
I’m going to talk to him today... but what am I going to say?