I lashed out yesterday. I had another fight with someone I care for.
I told him what has really been going on but he wasn’t really listening.
There was this hurt in his eyes and he said
“Why would you think to do such a thing?”
And I saw pain, in his eyes. As if I’d just plunged a knife into him. I was too numb to really care, though.
And then of course he talks over my attempts to answer and then walks away after telling me to get something to eat.
My phone is ringing off the hook with doctors trying to help me
But I don’t want a doctor. I want a friend.
The world is black and dark around me and I’m in pain and the advil won’t kill it. Nothing can, right now. Not all the doctors in the world put together, I think.
I can feel myself backing away from people who care about me, withdrawing further into myself.
I felt something hard and strong and angry come up yesterday. Like when all the layers of asking for help and being in pain are marred and torn, there’s the underneath layer. Bone girl. She knows how to handle this.
I will stand by you. I will be strong. We are going to take this BS and make the happiest life anyone has ever seen. We are going to defy the doctors and the statistics and through it all whenever they push you down I will get us back up. We will be the 1% that survives. You will be your own hero because you can’t rely on any of these people to help you.
The only one you can count on is you. You are going to pull you through this. You can take all this extra stress and shove it down and do what you have to do. She is merciless. She will beat me into the ground to get me to function. And that’s who came out yesterday.
She is scarred but she is strong. She doesn’t ever quit. She doesn’t take any cares that don’t belong to her, her number one priority is survival.
I guess it’s a good thing bone girl is awake because if she wasn’t I don’t think I could make it through this.
She uses discipline, diet, exercise, and more discipline to care for me. It will most likely thin out my body even more. Isolate me even more. But I will survive.
Bone girl uses my mental illnesses as tools for survival. If I can live through it to get help, I can thank bone girl.
Thank God she’s here.