Silence

I’ve been quiet because I checked into rehab a few weeks ago

I hope this is the right decision

I hope soon I’ll get better

I started to lose weight

I’ve had weeks of sleepless nights

I lost almost all of my friends before I came here

My depression is crippling my recovery

I don’t know what else to do

So I took a trip

I left Hawaii, my home, my love

And I came to a cold dark place

The ocean bites here

And the wind howls

There is the scent of pipe smoke and gasoline, brine and fast food

The cries of gulls split the air

Almost every night he asks me to come home

And I have to say no

The only thing I want is to be with him

But everything I loved has been torn away by repeated trauma, loss, and suffering

It hollowed me out inside and outside

I’m losing weight again. I’m so scared of what will happen to me if I can’t make it stop.

I can’t run. I can’t work out. I can’t go outside much. I spend afternoons and long nights alone.

I watch them write on clipboards and call other doctors and I know they want to help

But I wonder if it will ever be enough

For this monster inside

Ravaging me

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