Deceptively Fine

So the paperwork is finally done. I’ll be checking into a rehab facility very soon, leaving a place that has come to be a better home to me than even my home was before. The feeling of warm coconut oil over my skin and the hot sun, listening to the waves crash over the beach. Slipping into turquoise waves. Sea turtles. Tiny blue jellyfish. Dark eyes crinkled in laughter. Guyfriends stripping to colorful lavalavas to dance and sing and climb up coconut trees.

I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. When I’m coming back.

But when the things you won’t let yourself feel are carved into your arm from forearm to elbow and the only reason you can even move is because you can’t rest… It’s time for something to change.

I know everyone is looking for happiness. I know I’m just one of billions trying to live in this world, every day survival, love, hope, happiness, birth, death. But that doesn’t change what is in my heart. That I can never truly be happy as long as my illness destroys me from the inside out.

I’m on a caloric deficit and it won’t take long now. The weight will start to fall again. Those months of frustrated forcefeeding and restricted exercise that I burned for and paid for with the whirling thoughts of “you’re fat” every time I saw myself in the mirror. The mirror that I wanted to break. I did more research and talked to more doctors and found some articles about why anorexic women struggle with relationships with others, especially sexual ones. I found research that implied that in many cases the root cause of the eating disorder is sexual abuse. That in a cycle the mind just can’t break from because it has suffered trauma beyond what any sane mind could handle, the mental illness continues the cycle of lies from the abuse.

Sexual abuse teaches lies straight to the body and mind that can take years to unlearn and that is if these fatal patterns are read. Like an enemy in the very bloodstream that can lay slumbering for years these lies hide. The illness subverts itself into the very conscious that makes a person who they are, into the very mind.

The lies that rape and sexual abuse teach are one inflicted by extreme trauma- the first message is that the world is not safe. People do not just survive but thrive in an environment where they are safe and most basic needs are met with a healthy level of competition. Most people who are considered “normal” by the standards of being able to function in society to a degree and feed and care for themselves- have in common the basic belief that the world around them is not dangerous. Else how could anyone walk outside?

When the body is violated in rape it is spiritually, mentally, and physically painful. The particular use of sexual organs and pleasuring as a form of sadistic torture- a form of violence- is in fact a violation of the very core of humanity. One thing that separates humans from the animal species is our ability to choose to follow our instincts- or not to. A man may become aroused at a picture of Kylie Jenner someone left lying around but is he then compelled by nature to seek out Kylie and commit sexual acts? No he has a choice. He can pursue his desire or he can remind himself that he committed to a wife and family at home and that though his body is triggered to feel the desire he does not have to act on it.

Another reason rape is such a violation is that choice is not a factor. Especially in cases where the assailant is strong and large. We don’t blame someone if a boulder rolls down the mountain and crushes them. It was a natural disaster. It wasn’t their fault.

My boulder’s just pretty big and no one saw it coming.

(my dolphin’s name is KT Dolphin and I love him very much I cannot sleep without him)

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