I know I shouldn’t

I can’t figure out why I threw out the pad thai

It was good. Those six bites I swallowed.

I know I shouldn’t throw away food.

I know I shouldn’t work out for four hours

I know I shouldn’t… Shouldn’t remember

I know I shouldn’t have… Been there? Been sitting on that bench in that public place near the close of the day?

Maybe I shouldn’t have worn a hoodie and knee length shorts

Maybe I shouldn’t have told the police that night

Maybe I shouldn’t

Maybe I shouldn’t…

But then again maybe he shouldn’t

Maybe you shouldn’t go up to random girls and start making out with them

And when they say no you don’t stop

And when they take your hand off you put it right back on.

Maybe you should hear the word no and believe that she means it

Maybe what happened was hella unfair. Maybe I’m screaming inside in that voice I can’t remember how to use from my lips. Maybe I should. Maybe I shouldn’t. The voices build and build and build and I will explode I can’t take this anymore.

I have to believe in myself. That I did not ask to be raped. That it wasn’t ever my fault. That if I walked naked down the street, men should still be able to choose not to commit a sexual act. That I should be able to wear what I want. Love who I want. Live how I want. I should be able to live past this. My life does not end here.

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