E Komo Mai Nou Ka Hale… Your Majesty

I’m home in Hawaii now and it’s wonderful to be home, really. Before I left I was sexually assaulted and unfortunately for me, people at my college like to talk… A lot. About me.

I didn’t realize my life was so interesting?! What is all this drama? I don’t even do anything to start rumors and next thing I know rumors rumors rumors

Some of my favorite rumors

“Did you hear she’s engaged to a Tongan?”

“She is looking for a Samoan boyfriend.”

My not-so-favorite rumors

“She danced at the Thanksgiving dinner at the house and she’s so weird, trying to do Tahitian dance and always being at the Polynesian Cultural Center.”

“She doesn’t work she just plays all the time.”

“She’s so weird she’s over there alone. Yeah she’s strange. I don’t really like her.”

“It was her fault the guy tried to rape her. What was she even wearing?”

“It wasn’t rape.” “It was her fault.” “Do you see those cuts on her arms? If she just acted like she wanted to live then we would help her.” “She scares me.”

OK. Well guess what I was not born on this earth to earn anyone’s approval. I did not come here, to please you. In fact even in the case of men hell no am I going to please you unless I want to. I am a clear case of I was born royal and I am going to OWN it.

But as it is I am unfortunately, what they call popular. What most people don’t understand about being popular, is that you don’t have to try. Be yourself. Be unashamed. And people will just FLOCK freaking FLOCK FLOCK FLOCK everywhere and you’ll be sitting there asking WTH why do these people have such an interest in my life which of the seven sins did I commit in my previous life to deserve this and also I am just me why is that so exciting that everyone talks about everything I do all the time? Well. One of my things is uh, I normally DON’T think that other people care what I do. If I did I would not do well trying to buy peanut butter at the grocery store let alone making life decisions- such as what brand of peanut butter to buy, high fat, low fat, all natural, hydrogenated, added sugar, natural sugar OMG. STOP. People have always got an angle on something. Be  it how you eat how you walk what  kind of workouts you do how you look how you do your makeup how you smile- there is literally nothing about you that cannot be judged by people.

That is why it can be really really refreshing to sit on the beach under a cute summery umbrella with a maitai  in one perfectly manicured hand that matches the perfect bikini watching the waves, blasting Flo Rida, and saying “I don’t give a f***”. At least that’s MY coping mechanism. Either that or I put on my tiara and point at it for emphasis when my ways are questioned.

It confused me a lot growing up, that most people aren’t like that! That we constantly seek approval and attention, whether it be talking about someone who maybe has visible issues or trying a new makeup look or a slim-fat diet (I say slim fat because the only diet that works is called HEALTHY CHOICES ALWAYS)

So then I come back here, to Hawaii. And all these people are like you’re back! We are soo excited to see you how are you how are things how was your vacation? But then of course “Everyone’s been talking about you. Everyone knows what happened. We were so worried about you when you disappeared. I tried to find you.”

For example I have a Tongan guyfriend (one of many) who I visited at work first day back and I will state point blank this guyfriend has never before broken my touch barrier. He’s fun. He has a good sense of humor. I’m a manhater but if I wasn’t he might be cute (I’ll think about that and get back to you later. I have to take my “manhater” lenses off first). But he saw me and he was like “You’re back!” And I see this look on his face. And sometimes you just know someone heard something about you. Because I never talked to this guy about what happened or what was going on. If he heard anything it was from a secondary lying cheating unreliable source not from moi.

But then he gets that look. He stops what he’s doing (Cooking. I should not have interrupted that miracle. Men cooking. It’s a beautiful thing.) and he looks relieved like he’s been concerned for a long time and he just comes over and puts his arms around me and says he really missed me.

I am a very sensitive person. I went 13 years without physical contact with another human being. My best friend who ditched me? He was the first person besides his cousin to touch me in 13 years. I have to be verrryy careful who touches me because depending on the situation my body goes straight overload- shut down on me. My last guyfriend that I had the safest hug ever with? I nearly fell asleep on him! Girls who are being hugged by a guyfriend whose pulse goes up and he gets… excited. Even though he originally was just hugging to comfort her but.. he’s also male. Normally girls don’t fall asleep in that situation! I DO.

When someone touches my body I cannot ignore it. So when that guy grabbed  me and started to force himself on me it was like being electrocuted my entire body went into shock and shut down. My brain was screaming I don’t like this get the hell out of here but my boddy was like but no one ever touches me and I can’t move I just need to be touched so badly I’m hungry I’m desperate please, I didn’t want this either but I have to have this. This is food I’m so hungry please. I don’t remember how to move. I can’t move.

There are a million things that go through the mind and body during sexual assault. Don’t ever judge someone for their reaction to assault. Would you judge someone for crying after being through a horrific accident and losing their arm? Well guess what! People who get raped you know what we lose? Well with me, there goes my V-card, before  I even went through puberty. I lost normal, healthy, sexual development. I lost confidence in my body. I lost over a year of peaceful sleep. I lost friend after friend. My relationships were destroyed by what mental illness made me become. I lost a semester of college. I lost track. I lost tennis. I lost the ability to form normal, healthy relationships with men. I lost my trust in people. I lost control over my own vagina- google vaginismus. I lost my status as a chaste little virgin of the LDS church. I lost my confidence that a man could even love me as I was. (trigger warning next paragraph)

What I gained from sexual assault- a broken mind, a bleeding spirit, a broken body. An eating disorder. Post traumatic stress disorder. Nightmares. Flashbacks. A year of sleepless nights. I can’t eat chicken that isn’t shredded because I associate it with a man’s penis. I gained the ability to throw up on demand when the sexual assault is mentioned. I gained the ability to starve out my pain. I gained a lot of cuts and a lot of scars. I also was gifted several hospital visits… I could go on a long time.

But the point of this scintillating little tangent is that for me, touch for most normally developed people is 100% natural and normal. You know what you’re getting into. Who to touch how to touch them, basic unwritten rules of what is acceptable and what is not. So take all that away. Then tell a little girl she is bad if she likes being touched. If she asks to get touched use touch to torture her. Humiliate her for her own body. Do that her entire childhood. Don’t stop when she’s a teenager. Tell her to cover up. Tell her she’s ugly. Tell her she’s fat. Have everyone in the locker room stare at her and talk about her body. Make fun of her if she likes a boy. Look down at her for trying to be who she is. Take advantage of her weakness.

For me touch is 1,000%. I am a naturally sensitive person and I am capable of sensing and feeling so many things at once. I have to reset before someone touches me otherwise I can’t control my reaction. I feel everything and then nothing and then everything again. I can sense so much that my body overloads. It’s like a binge that you do when you’re anorexic. ED peeps you’ll get this. You restrict forever and then your body says “Hey. I gotta eat.” and you ignore it for a few days or weeks “HEY. I gotta eat.” and then years of restriction and the body takes over your head and says “HEY. I GOTTA EAT.” And you sit there in a pile of wrappers and you hate yourself and you’re like why did I do that. Well because all things in moderation. You restrict, you binge. You binge, you swing to restriction. That’s why diets don’t work. But in my case I’m on the touch starvation diet.

So when someone touches me what it does is that I can’t ignore my body’s urges and needs anymore. My body finally gets through to my head and says “I need to be touched and cuddled and loved I want it so bad.” And my head just blows up! It doesn’t know how to process that need. It was never safe before and all the sudden the rules are changed. Suddenly I have a need I never knew I had!

I like to call it second puberty because now I’m starting to try to experiment with feelings of attraction. And I’m finding that same thing as everything else. I’m walking around shell-shocked and clinging to restrictive behaviors because I’m so afraid of being vulnerable to what most people see as “normal” stimulus. Because it overwhelms me. It’s like getting hit by a truck!

I work hard on this, but I bond strong to people who I have a safe touch relationship with. I can go months without feeling anything positive or loving towards another person but if a person who is safe and who I love touches me I feel this rush and then the craving.

So then my guyfriend who probably has no intentions of touching me in future, his role changes in my head and I imagine cuddling with him or just sitting next to him. Because I need someone in that role so badly so I can just drink and drink and drink it in until finally this craving goes away.  You’d think I’d have learned my lesson. The last guyfriend I had a touch relationship with- Teddy Bear. Two days before I come back I see his fb and oh… he has a girlfriend. And I told him I liked him. And he had promised to be the first person to see me when I got off the plane. 2:00 am. 2 days after I get out of the hospital he says I can’t be there.

This is a few weeks after he stops calling. Stops saying I love you. Stops talking to me.

And I get to read all these posts about how happy he is and how much he loves his princess (hey I guess it’s fitting because I don’t think he’s good enough to be my king and I’m a queen so it makes sense he has to settle a class down) and I lost it. I just broke inside. I had spent months calling and texting and listening to these promises of “I swear I will not ever leave you.” “You can trust me.” “I’m your best friend.”

And I’m just up crying, alone in my room, without a ride home, and I feel like my best friend is gone. I had called him and didn’t really get anywhere. Finally I just said you have really hurt me with not coming to the airport and posting all that relationship stuff on facebook when you knew I liked you. I’m really hurt and sad. I’m really upset. If you still want to be my friend or see me when I ‘m back in Hawaii you call or text me. I’m not  going to chase after you anymore.

Broke my heart. And still is. I had all these wonderful reunion experiences but losing my teddy bear… hurts a lot. He still hasn’t spoken to me and I’ve been back for days now. He promised not to leave ever. I guess ever’s just a lot shorter than I thought it was.

And because I lost him now I keep having that experience where someone touches me and I just cry inside because I just want to be held and cuddled and just loved for a few hours to make this feeling inside stop.

That’s the same feeling that made me had my last cutting lapse. And restriction lapse. And triggers my worst suicidal ideations. My PTSD isn’t as bad as feeling alone. And then that guyfriend does this natural normal thing and I just want to grab him, bury my head in his chest, and disappear forever. But I can’t. Besides he has a girlfriend already. And girlfriends as a general rule- hate me.

I guess that’s one of the downsides of being a damn fine woman.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s