I’ve Been Wanting You

So I was watching The Swoozie Vid and throughout that super funny awesome video I notice quite a bit of physical contact. I totally get that the video is a joke and meant to be just funny but I also totally get that watching that makes my heart go oowwwww.

I obscured the face of this person. This is something I am really embarrassed to share about. I get that I didn’t know what was going on or that I was kind of being used (I like to call that being a human condom. Being used sexually and not as a person. You’re just an object in sex that they use without thinking about). AHEM. Here was what happened. I put in three examples. First one is less extreme than the third and is with a different person and nothing went anywhere or will go anywhere with either of these men and please don’t stalk them or hunt them down because if anyone has the right to do so that’s me and I said no. And the second one is not a big deal.

“He walked me back to the hale after promising to be my friend and yeah he’d be there anytime and we get outside the hale and I’m upset because I know I have to go try to sleep and… so he is like “I will give you a big warm hug” and he puts down his laptop and I know I looked upset but he just came in and put his arms around me and was rubbing my back. I felt that huge just release like you don’t have to be strong right now, you’re safe. So I said thank you when he was holding me, and then after a while he drew back and said something about having a good night and talking to me tomorrow and then he took me in again.”

That same night his lovely girlfriend heard about me and said don’t talk to her anymore. Same girlfriend that always touches him in public and makes him wear matching shirts and posts incessantly about how in love they are and jokes (but not really jokes) about beating up women with a stick who look at him the “wrong” way. They are married now. GOOD LUCK SUCKER.

“Khris was sitting on this table with a mat over it where they weave and stuff and he was like come here so I came and sat next to him and he asked me why I was visiting and I said I had a bad day. He was like AGAIN? Hahaha it’s pretty much every day bro. Talked a bit about my day. And this other one with the tatau who graduated from BYUH is named Nati and he was giving one of the men a massage, rubbing his back and shoulders. And then when he was done Khris was like “It’s your turn.” “Huh? Me?” “Yes go sit down in the chair. Nati has magic hands he’ll make you relax”. And let me tell you something. When the one with the tatau speaks, you do it. Usually the tatau means they are heir to a chief/matai title in samoa so you have to respect them more- because of the tatau.

So I get up and go sit down in the chair and Nati puts his hands on my shoulders and squeezes and he’s like oh you are so tensed up just relax. And Khris was like “What is she stressed about? Is it boys?” And Nati squeezed the top up by my neck and said “Yes boys. Boys and school.” And he pushed on the pressure points on either side of my spine going halfway down my back “Homework assignments she didn’t finish”. And I said “hold up I did those. I spent four hours on it this morning!” And then we talked about me going to the beach and Nati thought he’d seen me at some point on the beach and Khris was like “Yes he came back and said he’d seen a mermaid.” HAHAHA as if. I can barely swim in a straight line I am nooo mermaid but still it’s a cute thing to say. And it actually felt really good to be touched. I… I really need that. I’ve been starving and neglected and touch helps heal my heart. But at the same time it can be very scary for me because of the damage that’s been inflicted

But wow I realized that too when Nati started touching my shoulders. I HAVE been locked up and tense for so long. I just do it without thinking about it. Stressed? Shoulders lock. Working out? Problems relaxing the shoulders. See stimulus that reminds me of rape? LOCK. And the thought that someone can touch me and know how I’m feeling is… new. And a bit frightening. I like to hide what’s really happening, you know. But then this big Samoan gets his hands on my back and starts massaging deep into the muscles and everything unlocks and I got so sleepy. At one point he says “Life’s too short not to be happy” and I said “Yes. Life is too short.” And I got all sad thinking of Maya. A few minutes after Nati finished I was sitting in the chair looking around and I was so sleepy I didn’t want to walk anywhere. I didn’t have any motivation to go anywhere or do anything I just wanted to lay down and rest. Khris was like “You ok?” “I’m so sleepy!” “Come sleep here, noone will mind.” (Khris is my Samoan father he is way cool and he would say handsome and I would say it’s a stretch but that’s because Samoan men are born thinking they’re the sexiest man ever and it’s fun to take them down a notch, not because it’s not true at times)

OK now THIS guy you’re going to want to kill. Don’t do it, he’s not worth it. He is a narcissist and uses women like a condom. Seriously I’m warning you you will not like this guy if you have any idea what I’ve already been through. And also if you can’t tell, yes Maui is a fake name.

“And something inside just kind of… felt broken. I wanted to run away. I wanted to lay down on the pavement and never move again… I felt so tired. Beyond tired. So yeah not my day.

There’s some exercise equipment in the backroom of the SMN village and Maui works out there after work on the days he works so I kind of talked to him and then I stretched and did squats and pushups while I talked to him. He asked me if I was wearing a pad and I was like “there’s no trail of blood so duh Maui I am obviously wearing a pad” and he was like “I wondered if you used a tampon is all.” “No. I never use those. Do you realize what you have to do to put one of those in? My gosh. And they can get lost up there! See like you stick it all the way up and then pull out and there’s a string that hangs down and if you lose the string you can’t get it out. Like no thank you.”

And then he looks over from the bench and he said “You have a nice figure.” And I pulled my shirt down over my leggings and was like what are you looking at. Sheesh. But yeah. He asked me how I felt about marriage and stuff and I told him before this stuff came up I really wanted it but now just feeling so broken and not feeling like I’m attractive makes me uncertain that’s what I want. Maybe a few years. I just need time. I can’t even handle letting people touch me right now. He asked me how much I weigh right now and I’m not sure but I just said probably around 120 based on the fact that my clothes don’t fit.

When he was about to leave I just kind of snapped and he asked “Is there anything I can do for you?”

“I just need a hug’

and he came right over and just engulfed me face in shoulder and he had his leg up on the bench behind me. And I just started crying

“I hate that I can’t take care of myself. I really wanted to just be able to handle it but it’s too hard I just can’t.”

But I was kinda tired and weak thanks to my period so after he put his bag down he was like let’s sit and I talked to him about how I was so upset about my family and stuff and he had his arm around me while he listened. I talked about not being able to talk to them and really wanting to work on that and I thought that I am angry at them because they neglected me and they kind of let this happen and their response was bad- but mistakes were made on both sides, obviously, and I was so overwhelmed trying to figure this out and then having to relearn touch and stuff. And he asked

“What can I do for you?”

“Just hold me.”

And so he said “You’re on your period so it might be more comfortable if you sit.” And I was like

“What? How?”

And he patted his knee and said “Come over here” and he had me sit across him and he clasped his hands on my lower back and pulled me into his chest and held me up that way and I had my face buried in his shoulder and his face was in my collarbone. And he just asked

“What can I do to make you more comfortable?”

And he did that a few times just to check positioning. And he asked me

“Have you ever had a boyfriend?”


“Noone’s ever done this for you?”


And then I kept saying “I’m sorry, are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“Don’t worry about it. I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t okay with it.”

“Have you ever kissed anyone?”


“I don’t know about you but kissing is pretty fun.” I just shook my head

“I never really wanted to kiss anyone and I’d rather be in a relationship.” And he nodded like okay. And I had a cramp so I asked him to move me so it wouldn’t hurt so much. So he helped me move so I was across his lap and I wasn’t leaning on him but then he lifted my legs and pulled me closer to him and clasped his arms on my hip. I asked him to rub my back and my shoulder too. And then at one point I was almost looking at his face I was so close and he used his hand to brush the hair out of my face.

I know for a fact if I had asked to kiss him he would have done it. I’m not stupid. I know men. But I didn’t want that. I know it turns me on and I didn’t want that. And then when I was still turned to the side he started stroking my thigh. If he got too close to my pelvic area everything would lock. I twitched. It was so embarrassing and I was going to say not so high but I was embarrassed. Just like this soft touch up and down my thigh first the left one and then the right one. And then I asked to be held again and he moved me so I was across him again and then he asked me “So do you remember what it feels like to have sex?” And I buried my face in his chest and said “Yes. It was the most horrible horrible thing.” and this was so hard. All of this was hard. I needed to be held so badly but it was still so hard. TRIGGER WARNING NEXT PARAGRAPH

And then seven year old Hannah came out. And I was completely vulnerable and I started to cry and I said “It was the most horrible thing I’ve ever been through in my whole life. Feeling him on top of me with his penis between my legs grabbing my breast or carressing my butt and my body responded with pleasure like it wanted it but it was just wrong. It was so wrong. I wanted to throw up or scream or run but there was nowhere to go and it was just so horrible.” “So you never want to have sex again?” “No.” I cried into his shoulder and just let him hold me for a few minutes. I felt like a little girl again. The only thing that reminded me I’m a woman now is when his hands were on my lower lower back (as in butt ) to hold me up to him.

He kept having to tell me you’re not a bad girl. It’s okay. And I made him promise not to hurt me. “Maui it’s so hard for me knowing that you know what my body feels like.” “Maui you aren’t going to hurt me right?” “Why would I hurt you?” “I don’t know but you have to promise.” “I’m not a bad girl, right?”

(Sidenote you need to understand men have used torture to turn themselves on and so for me touch is associated with torture. I have a really hard time comprehending that a man that wants to touch me is not going to hurt me and in fact I can’t)

And then just talked about how bad I feel because in the church we always talk about being chaste and a virgin and stuff and I lost that and it’s not ever going to come back.

And at one point he stood me up in front of the mirror in the locker room and clasped his arms around my arms and said “Look you are beautiful.” He put his hands on my waist “Nice waist.” (before this he also touched my arm and noticed my muscles. Of course. And then in a heart shape over my tummy “Six-pack”. “Nice hips” hands on my hips. And then he said “Nice butt” and I pulled a face and I was like nooo and he said “turn to the side? See that is a nice butt.” and he put his hands on it and I was like “Don’t do that.” So he stopped and he was like “Ok I won’t touch it but see it is a very nice butt. Do you look in the mirror a lot?” “No. I avoid mirrors. I don’t want to see.” “You should. You should look in the mirror every day and tell yourself I have a nice body.” And then I just wanted to be held one more time so he sat down and I got held for a few more minutes.

He cuddled me for an hour.

Later that night I woke up at 3am all concerned and worried about what I did such complicated feelings up in here. I am struggling so hard.

I ran like 11.5 miles this morning trying to sort it out. I talked to some friends just to make sure he’s a safe guy etc… doing my best… But it’s hard. Because now I want that again. And I can’t do that. It’s not good. Aghh”

How did that turn out? Well he had a girlfriend. It was totally a take advantage of a young white girl situation yes this guy was Samoan. It’s been so many months and I just have had bad experiences with this man where he flirted with me and people talked and he came to me all angry and I was like uh, I don’t remember talking to you except maybe to maybe one person? But I did go try to stop the rumors. He’s been closed off and mean except for one phase where he TOTALLY wanted me to make out with him when he was between girlfriends but thank goodness that phase was over quickly and thanks be to the rumors (for once) that I did not have to worry about him. I went through a phase of liking him but he wasn’t single so I didn’t do anything and then I realized it was probably not healthy to like him because of how he views woman and so I moved on. His immature “he said she said” attitude got old too.

And yeah… I sometimes want to hurt him too. But it won’t make me a better person. I’m just ashamed of myself for being so vulnerable that he got that close and did those things. Looking back I see exactly how he was feeling when he was holding me and it wasn’t the feeling I was aiming for or intended to generate. In my head my body is disgusting. The mere idea that a man would get pleasure from my body- without torturing me- blows my mind. And also I have met so many women who have given sex not because they want to, but because men will hold them afterwards. I have gotten so close to that. I don’t blame anyone for that. It’s a sad reality of how sick people have gotten. How touch and love deprived we are. And I should know. 13 years.

Someone else would look at this and be all #LOTR on me

But that’s not why I’m telling the story. This is closure. For me. Because I don’t want to be the victim anymore. I realize that I need to kick my own butt even harder to push for healthy boundaries in relationships and start doing trial and error with this touch business because I do not want any more experiences like that.
If he touches me again I’ll help you burn him, I swear. But you might have to fight me for the match.
 One of my favorite quotes is “I will set the world on fire because the flames are pretty when it burns.”
*sidenote the picture is not him but when I look at it it’s about the same build and it makes me remember what he was like holding me. Definitely my favorite body type all the men I’ve ever touched are about that size. Makes me crave a good cuddle. But I’m terrified of cuddling again and being someone’s human condom again. So I’ll hold off until I have to binge again 😦 *

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