So I’m assuming you thought the title was self-explanatory. However this story is a bit more complicated than that.
My morning I already posted about but things started to go a different wave soon after that. I did some cleaning around the house and then set out to go bodyboarding and the waves at my usual beach were too calm for me so I went further down into the more wild side of things…. The feeling of moving as one with the ocean is unforgettable. When I lay down to sleep at night I can still feel the waves. It’s amazing don’t ever miss the opportunity to swim in the ocean.
I was having a great time except I did cry. I had a book called The Cellar and don’t read it if you have PTSD or rape trauma, promise me. I just lay on the beach and I was like I am so alone. Everything that happens to me I end up shoving through and I was doing one of my little private sessions with the Lord where I mentally yell at him and cry and then He schools me. I was just like “Why do you keep putting people in my life who leave and hurt me?” and I was like “I’m so tired.” And I cried because it just hurt. It does hurt. Whether I pay attention to it or not it’s there consistently, always under the surface, ebbing and flowing. Rape. Rape. Rape. Police. Mental illness. Depression. PTSD. Anorexia. All these diagnoses and labels just hit me and I was like at the end of the day what do I have?
Well… me. I was just like “Kay God if you love me show me cause I’m not seeing it.”
So then fun fact I’m still really angry with that Samoan guy. I went out bodyboarding to help rehab this hip and lower left leg right and then he says hey I’ll come see you but I’m in church (with his gf but he didn’t say that but I’m a ninja and I have my ways) and then I’m like I’m at the beach. And he says want me to come. I said I don’t care as long as you visit. And then all the sudden he has to run buy food for a sick mother…. And I don’t hear from him for another 8 hours. And it hits the Sunday evening deadline. Officially I’m done texting my guyfriends asking them to come. If they were serious they’d be here. This is not even how I would treat an animal, much less a person.
I saw a quote which I should not repeat but I will because it’s.. succinct.
“If you show me you don’t give a fuck I’ll show you I’m better at it.”
Because at the end of the day this is about self-respect (elf-respect 😉 and I respect myself. I don’t have the time or energy to chase boys. I can’t use my efforts chasing people I just can’t. If I really did mean something to them, they’d make time to come see me since I’ve been asking and I did try to meet up with him but he fell out. I was like last chance don’t play me again. He played me again. Even if we stay friends somehow the trust is gone. And that’s not really good for a friendship. That’s more like being friendly than being friends.
So I was oncampus and I run into this friend. He is a good man. He’s Filipino and he cares a lot. Maybe he judges a bit harshly and whatnot but his heart is in the right place even if he doesn’t exactly understand the needs of the person he wants to help. I walked over with my bodyboard (because my guyfriend canceled on me let me think 10 minutes while I was about to walk over from the beach… very considerate) with him to the courtyard at the men’s hale (ha-lei Hawaiian word for home) and I start talking to him.
He tells me to go to church. I say no. I say I don’t want to. And I end up trying to explain again that I don’t do it because it triggers suicidal ideations but then we also end up talking feelings. I can’t feel my feelings very well so I can’t feel love or connection. It’s like I’m going through the motions of it but I don’t feel it. So he said so you’re selfish… And then a Tongan guyfriend walks up to us and my Filipino guyfriend basically hands me off. He just says “You talk to her” and walks away and I’m like “Why is he leaving me?” with my trademark pout.
And my Tongan guyfriend who we are going to call Tava sits down on the bench and pats the spot next to him and something inside me moves because I get to sit next to someone. It’s almost like being touched. And for me that gesture has always meant I get touched. So my heart sits up and begs like a dog and I sit down next to him.
We have a really good conversation. I kind of slipped up. I haven’t been telling people where I was the past 4 months. I pretend it was vacay because I doubt anyone wants to hear a saga of tales from treatment and if they do it’s still not appropriate because I care about the people I was in treatment with. I want to treat them and their stories with respect and that means using discretion (not my strong point) best I can. But I slipped. I told him where I actually was for those months and he asked me why and I said “Well for starters, I got raped.” And he looks shocked and looks at me and says “No.” And I say “Yeah.” And I give a basic overview of what happened over there. And we talked about my roommate sleeping on her boyfriend “I was just like, I can’t have men in the house at night. And I have compassion for her, really. When I was in CA I woke up crying at night I was so lonely and sad and I just wanted to be cuddled. But even though I feel that way I would never sleep with a man like that.” Tava is a cuddler, btw.
Let me explain. So he comes over and he’s like give me a hug and so we hug. And then he sits right next to me. And while we’re talking occasionally he sidehugs me when I seem distressed. Or he puts his hand on my leg lower or midthigh. I have no idea what this means but then he also sees the tanline the Polynesian henna left on my arm. Imagine a polysleeve tattoo but in henna and then imagine it’s a bright white tanline tattoo. And he touches my arm and he runs his hand up and down the lines.
He’s completely gentle and it’s natural for him. He just reaches around for a side hug or when I was talking about something and distressed to reassure me he’d touch me and he was also major on eye contact when I was talking because he really wanted to listen (I asked because I don’t look at people when I talk about painful stuff because I cry). When he was interested in the tanline he ran his hand over my arm for several minutes looking at it. You know like little kids before we scare them about touch they want to touch everything and if you have something interesting on your arm they’ll just touch it. He’s just so comfortable with touching me. And the goodbye hug was the very friendly kind where we pat each other on the back.
I read a lot about touch and body language cues and a pat on the back is very friendly… KT didn’t do that when he hugged me. That was what we call a “hold” in the industry. It’s intimate and shows a lot of deep feelings whether sexual or not that was a very caring experience. And at the moment how I feel about Tava is friendly. I’m so not into anyone right now. I don’t like men right now. I’m not attracted to women sexually either. I’m not sexually attracted at all right now. It’s the non-romantic intimate relationships I crave. Being able to be vulnerable with someone without the pressure of am I sexy enough for them are they going to get bored with me. In my experience it’s safer and more stable than romantic relationships. Especially since I’m so emotionally volatile. Times a million on relationships.
I was shocked that he didn’t say “eeeww” and stop touching me or just get uncomfortable because I didn’t touch him, but he is just a snuggly person. Does NOOTT bother him that he’s with someone who doesn’t know how to connect that way he will still try. I haven’t been touched like that in such a long time and it was so natural to him. Like he is a fish in his water no wait, he is an otter. You know otters hold hands when they sleep so they don’t lose each other and they carry their babies on themselves and they’re always cuddling and cute? He’s a big Tongan man but he’s totally an otter at heart. Or maybe a horse. He’s just gentle.
I feel like I could talk about this over and over again because my feelings were like NOOO we can’t feel about this or we’ll like him and we’ll go crazy and what if he pulls a stunt like the other men who I have let touch me NO TRUST ZONE. But like… KT and Tyson (may or may not be real names bwahaha) they were so different from the men in my life who were “dangerous”. Just brown skin in general. I feel more at ease with Polynesian men touching me than any other racial group. It’s not personal it’s a matter of experience. Only had a few exceptions to that. But just like those dark eyes and that smile and those hands. When I watch Chief Tui in Moana pick up little Moana or run around when the kids are screaming it’s so funny because he’s so big and he looks so fierce but really he’s a big softie for the ones he loves. My guyfriends all pretty much are like that around little kids. I love watching them interact with kids. They tease but they are big softies. They’re just so big and when they’re around smaller people (like me) they get really discombobulated and confused how to move. They also treat me different because I am small and cute. I get treated like a little princess 90% of the time. OK fine 100% of the time. I may be small and cute but I am fierce.
Example: KT has a little baby sister out of a lot of kids and she’s the littlest and has only big Polynesian brothers. When KT was napping or just relaxing on his bed her favorite thing to do was to sneak up and jump on top of him. I mean he was a football player so maybe this tackle hug thing is genetic but still it’s just hilarious. He’s only four times her size and she surprise hugs him in a very painful way but he’s still like “awww”.
I have always had a thing for big dangerous looking people. It’s like Boo wanting to cuddle with the big scary monsters. They don’t scare me. It’s the ones who don’t look scary in my experience who are more dangerous.
Back to my point just having him say come sit next to me and just being touched. It wasn’t so important what he said, it was that for a minute I thought it might break the barrier of NO TRUST ZONE for me. It was relaxing and nice. I don’t do touch. I don’t know how it works. How to ask. What’s good what is bad. Being with someone who is so natural and easy with was like “this is a good time to let down some walls, me” and even though I couldn’t it helped me so much. What I remembered the most about KT and hugging him was how warm and safe it felt. It was calming and relaxing and I felt better. I felt really strong feelings that he cared about me. It’s a huge thing for me when someone is willing to hug me or touch me because I’ve been without it for so long and it is precious to me. I lived so long thinking I was too ugly, too much this or too little that, that people would even like me enough to touch me.
I couldn’t feel it this last time because of that barrier. But as much as I deny it. I have hope that this could be a connection. And hope that that part of me that needs touch so badly can get slowly refed instead of the crazy restrict binge cycle. It might be a chance to break out of that. I’m wildly hopeful that this will help with the loneliness. A connection would feel so good right now.
I needed that so bad. I don’t need anything romantic right now. But having a friend who is comfortable with friendly touch will go a long way for helping me get better so I want to give him a chance.
I don’t know what to make of any of this but I do feel the hungry little monster inside roaring like CUDDLE ME NOW, SLAVE! And I tell her to calm down. And it’s so overwhelming just being touched. I don’t really feel anything but I do feel the wanting to be touched. Just like this feeling of don’t stop please I need this. Like when you binge on food. It’s not about pleasure it’s about need, urgent need. And I felt that instead of enjoying it. I did not want it to stop. I wasn’t looking for more I just wanted a major hold me session like happened with Maui but not sexually. Like bestie! Like the guyfriend you can have sleepovers with because you are that chill.
Touch deprivation’s a bitch.
He gave me really good advice and now we exchanged numbers so we can talk or hang out or whatever. He is just a warm, loving man okay. Like you meet him and you just feel it (unless me, then you don’t really feel it you just assume you should feel it). This was just a good guy okay. And my last real interaction with him was when I was majorly suicidal and he started talking to me and played music and sang He Mele No Lilo yeah this is a man of true class (that is not sarcasm I truly believe that any man that watches Lilo and Stitch and appreciates it is my kind of man and that means he has class) and I felt better.
Today when we were talking he said “I have never been depressed. I get stressed sometimes but only for a few minutes and then I say it’s going to be fine and it always is. I want to put myself in your shoes and think how it feels, I want to understand but I don’t really know. I do know God never gives you anything you can’t handle.” I appreciated that so much, his honesty. Because it was so unpretentious (yes I know that is redundant I was just checking to see how many of the grammar police force I could drop in one blow). So many people say they know how I feel but when someone says honestly that they don’t it is so much easier to breathe and relax around them. When they say they will try to imagine it but it’s hard that is okay. I don’t have to explain we can just be together and just be together and not think so hard about all this drama.
How does he look? He has long lashes like a black colt. His hair is Tongan black and pretty short right now. Has the waves in it of being half wavy but straight? Look at Maui’s hair but short. His eyes are dark. He has the flat Tongan nose and high cheekbones and the full generous lips Polynesians traditionally have. His skin is coconut brown but a warm brown color. He works in the Maori village at Polynesian Cultural Center but usually when I see him he’s either in casual wear or for church today, white dress shirt, and a formal lavalava with Tonga printed on it and sometimes a ta’ovala (it’s a mat wrapped around the waist that represents the tie to Tonga and the land). I don’t really pay attention to his body let’s call it “typical man build”. So he’s big like most Polynesian men. Strong arms, thick core, strong legs. It’s a build good for hard work. But plot twist he’s a dancer.
I’m sorry I just got really homesick for Teddy Bear. I just texted and said fine I give up. Have fun with your girlfriend and don’t visit unless you care. And got no answer. I guess that means goodbye. But what else could I do? Chase after him forever when his heart obviously belongs somewhere else? But of course I miss him. He promised to be my best friend forever it’s just forever was just 3 months. I miss him. I miss how he used to sing to me in his horrible singing voice and make up words. I miss when he put his arm around me and nearly crushed me walking me around. I miss when he used to skype me shirtless or at the gym and have me count his reps. I just miss my boy okay.
I did have a crush for him but… I guess I better break it off and move on. If he can’t even be a good friend I hate to say what kind of boyfriend he’d be. But it does help me get a better idea of what’s good in a man cause yes peeps I am a manhater. Not as friends but as boyfriends yes. They hurt you and they leave. It’s just how it works.
I was thinking about it and yes I did feel this idea tease me what would it be like to kiss Tava and then I was like oh nooo you don’t and I shut it down hard. I settled for this. I think he’s attractive to me even though I don’t feel the warm fuzzies right now I think I would if they were “on”. And no matter what happens he’s a good learning experience. Because I like that he was cuddly, I like that he was honest, and I like that he was gentle with me when I expressed just a few pieces of my shattered life. I didn’t overload him but he took it well with what I did.
During our talk when he was touching me I thought *Hey this is a great time to feel something* but I couldn’t. It was too much. If I’m not prepared to be touched I am floored. Think drug OD.
If I seem depressed and tired it’s because I am depressed and tired and sunburned. I don’t want to be upset about my guyfriend not visiting but I am. I gave him chance after chance after chance but I just kept getting “you’re not important enough. I want to spend time with my girlfriend not you. You don’t matter that much to me. You waiting for me and being sad isn’t worth a phone call.” That is the message I was getting and it hurts like hell. After those months of phone calls and texts and promises he turns out to be just like my guyfriend who left over a year ago. Exactly the same thing. It was all a lie. And now I’m just in my usual place. People realizing I can’t be vulnerable with them and getting caught up in other things and rationalizing why they can leave and why it’s the right thing to do. And just watching people walk in and walk out. Sometimes taking tiny pieces of my heart with them.
KT took most of it. I want it back.
Also my roommate who is engaged and sleeping with her boyfriend- fiancée was just in my room practicing taping up her boobs and saying “It’s so funny. I’ll have him take them off on my wedding night.”
She’s just so excited to cross the line and lose her V.
And I know it shouldn’t matter to me. And that I haven’t done anything wrong. But… I just feel really hurt about that too. I don’t get to have that clean slate of OMG this will be so fun! I have PTSD and vaginismus and hella issues and I’m barely staying alive right now. It’s so hard. I work 24/7 to try to not be so sick but if I wasn’t struggling with this I know I’d want to try having a boyfriend and I might want to kiss him and I might want to get married. But that’s just not okay right now. I need me. But then there’s that balance of guess what you can’t do recovery alone but the work is mostly you but don’t do it alone… Conflicting messages.
I’m exhausted and really disappointed. I mean I had some great moments today. Falling off my bodyboard. And I waged war on the cockroaches again. Them buggers are piling up casualties like nobody’s business and I am reveling in victory with my wardance around the piles of dead corpses because that’s not even a little morbid. (I’m adorable and you know it). And I husked and cracked a coconut and got the milk to add to my poi and fish dinner tonight. Took a long time and I used kitchen shears and a knife and it took hours and please no one tell my Samoan father that or he’ll cry.
I meditated by the sea in a spot I like to call my Thotful Spot like the one in Winnie the Poot.
I sneaked up on my roommate on a phone call with her mom and said “Is this a bad time to tell you you are as cute as a cupcake?”
I made my other roommate laugh really hard with some stories about stuffed animals and Samoan men and then told her about what I used to do with gingerbread houses and cookies. So we’re planning on Thursday to bake cookies in the shape of people and make them have screaming faces, broken hearts/stab holes/missing limbs, and then add candy cane to make fake blood. Hopefully we turn out with something edible and it’s hard to fail with butter and sugar on your side. Wait no, I take that back. It’s the femme fatale of cookie baking if you get that ratio wrong. So yes we are planning an evening of Swoozie videos and cookies.
My anorexia is in high gear right now. I think part of why I’m not feeling anything is because my anorexia is so in my head right now. I tried to eat a cupcake today and I got more down but the frosting I couldn’t handle I had to throw it away and then restriction restriction restriction. It’s so sad that I’m around food all the time but I starve.
Then again I’m around love all the time too and I also starve from that.