Girl. Friend.

We need a new word for girls who are friend but not the kind with “benefits”. Of course they have benefits, just not the urban dictionary kind.

From my personal experience as a talented thirdwheel/cheerleader/female best friend a female best friend has a lot of job experience doing these things.

  1. Girl advice 2. Supporting her boyz in everything. Includes sporting events, dance events, choir events, congratulating him, throwing him parties 3. Hugs and cuddles between breakups 4. Does a full background check, facebook stalk, and twitter talk to your boo to make sure she’s not psycho 5. She knows wayyy before you do if the girl is a cheating ho-ho and so when you come crying to her she’ll do that face and hand you the tissues. Even though she wants to slap you. 6. She can also be hot arm candy that makes you look more manly and seductive by association. Jealousy is a powerful pheromone people. 7. She can get you more man friends. 8. She can come with you on any adventure anytime because she doesn’t care what she looks like, unlike a girlfriend who spends 15 hours applying the seductress face plaster before she’ll come see you. 9. She can come with you to the gym and tell you which girls who look hot are single and which ones aren’t and she’ll punch you on the arm if you flirt like a ho.

Here is the other thing about female best friends and why there’s soo many chick flicks out there about “OMG I married my best friend which OMG how did that happen we were JUST FRIENDS”. (I was too lazy to use a pop culture reference. Either way.) We don’t leave. That girl who sits there through your every football game, helps you study for your tests, helps you brainstorm dates with your bae, teaches you what the words “pintrest” and “boyf” mean, and also gives you great kissing and relationship advice at no extra charge- these girls know we in it for life. Guys. Don’t get that. They get hormonal and they forget things.

As sorry as I feel for those poor helpless cupcakes *men* we gotta talk about female best friends and why every one of us deserves your undying loyalty and a lifetime of chocolates on Valentine’s day and 2  boxes if we’re single.

It’s because we don’t give up on you. Honeyboo comes and goes, bruh. Your girl best friend- she don’t go nowhere. (sidenote I have an accent and yes I do know what grammar is but this is how I talk so deal with it this is my voice). Let’s call her your Chica because she’s a kickass princess who should really be with you but unfortunately- you’re too daft to realize it. I, of course, am Queen. But in general let’s call her chica, your uber sexy kickass princess who runs with you and has got your back.

And also about the word sexy. Sexy is in the mind. What you believe you are, becomes who you are. Scary thought, isn’t it?

I’m a trueblood through and through chica. If this was a sports team I would be captain of the varsity team, kay? Team She-Wolves represent. This means that when my guyfriends get into trouble or when they cause trouble, I know. Because let’s face it, girls talk to girls. So whatever my guyfriends do? I know. And why do the girls tell me? Because in the guys mind, no one owns him except maybe his bae. However a chica knows this is false. A chica owns him on a different level than bae. Bae uses kisses and favors. Chica owns his trust and loyalty. And other girls- know this.

See as much as you think when you get into a relationship that the butterflies of love are going to keep raining down that love magic and it’s all just gonna be burning hot passion and sweet love well… I got bad news for you. Relationships. End. Things just don’t always work out. Sometimes the love dies. And then what do you have?

Well if you betrayed and stabbed your chica in the back then you lost your most important post-breakup ally. She’s the one who woulda been there, restored your faith in humanity, and sent you back out into the rocky world of love feeling confident- because chica got your back. She’s there if it goes down. She’s happy for you if it works out.

You cannot pay to have a friend that good. If you have a chica girlfriend, marry her, she’s for life. But if you have a chica on your flank, what CAN’T you do? No matter what you have at least one person who is honest with you, who cares about you, who is down for you, will drop anything, sacrifice anything, just to be there for you.

And of course now we get into my life. Yes. I am a trueblood chica. I run with the wolves. I don’t know how not to be like that. I just don’t ever, ever give up on the men who are my friends. I just don’t. The word quit is somewhere in my vocabulary. A subreference footnote in the back of the book in a tiny font so small you can’t read it.

No matter what my guyfriends do I do not ever, ever stop loving them or supporting them. Even if it’s been years since they contacted me, I call and say “Hey bruh, hope you’re doing good. If you need me I’m here.” I watch them go through their relationships. I help them do homework. I follow their sports. I follow their choir concerts. I support their stupid ideas about how to make it big in this world. I support them painting or baking red velvet cupcakes- what ever it is they want to do, I’m down. I even follow them on twitter even when they post stupid things no one cares about… My pintrest board is full of quotes about guy best friends and the saga of drama that comes with dealing with men day in day out for years of your life…

I think I’m gonna go grey before 25.

My thing though is that you be straight with me. When I’m dealing with men and definitely part of the reason they run and hide when I’m angry- it doesn’t happen often but when it does, they run. I don’t care if they screw up as long as they say hey I’m sorry or make it right. If they treated a woman bad I let them have it and they fix it. Or else.

But what I do not handle well is when they screw up. And they lie. I do not do dishonest. You do not lie to my face because that’s just asking to expedite a new nose for yourself. I will come after you. And my men don’t get away with lying. They don’t. Because I always know. I’m not a stupid woman and I’m not without my ways and I do not do disrespect. If I’m mad- you’re gonna hear about it.

Here’s an example that happened with Teddy Bear. Keep in mind-I just got out of the hospital, could have died, fever and rash with hives over my entire body and allergic reaction to one of two medications that could kill me, and literally a day away from a flight to Hawaii. So on top of moving across the ocean and just getting out of treatment- now I get to find my own ride. That’s the situation I was in with Teddy Bear a few weeks ago.

See like what I don’t get is, okay, you say you are going to do something. You do it. Unless your Aunt Gertrude falls out of the sky in a freak skydiving accident and goes into a coma. That’s an excuse I’ll settle for. But if your excuse that you text me 2 days after I get out of the hospital at 2:00am in the morning “Oh, remember you texted me 45 times over the space of a month that you needed me to show up at the airport and get you because otherwise you’ll be stuck at the airport with no ride and no way home, remember that? Well I’m broke and I actually have to work today soo I can’t come.”

But the TRUTH was “And I was too busy smooching up boo and I spent the money to rent the car to come get you on chocolates for her.”

You. Are. SO. In the market for a nice new coffin. Maybe even a double so you can go under with honey boo. Push up daisies together.

A man that pulls that trick on me better be the archangel because this girl knows how to raise hell.

I don’t get mad all that often but when I do? Run. Seriously. Run. Or bow down before me with sacrificial offerings of puppies and cookie dough flavored protein bars raised up where I can see them. And if I’m not on my period, maybe I’ll spare you all. #Imagoddess

If you’re wondering what’s been going down I may or may not have told Teddy Bear some very hurtful things. And we blocked each other on fb and everything else too. we’re not speaking. Because he broke bro code #1 Have your bro’s back. And Bro code #2 No lies in the brotherhood.

I know I’m a girl. And I know that he wants to be with boo. But you do NOT pull a stunt like he did and lie to me and expect me to open my arms and say “awww I missed you too! Let’s bake cupcakes together!”

You can totally expect my arm to start shaking because I’m trying so hard not to punch your face.

I know girls who have to actually punch the guys who tease them to get their point across. I give them a look. I use that tone. And that’s my bark. And when they hear the bark they get an idea that they don’t want to feel my bite and they stop what they’re doing.

I think it’s part of my superpower that comes from being a manhater. These stupid petty tricks they play on boo to get out of trouble- don’t work on me. Unless of course it’s that one where you’re really mad at them and they kneel on the floor and beg…

I told you my life deserves it’s own HBO series.

I slept horrible, as usual, have been totally depressed about this whole thing with my guyfriends. I don’t care that they have boo except yeah I did like Teddy Bear so there’s jealousy there- but there’s so much hurt in there. I got out of treatment and the hospital and could have died and then oh. I was with boo. I can’t get you from the airport. After months of texts, phonecalls, study sessions, homework help, saying I love you, fun text group messages, helping them pick out man smells to impress boo, going to the gym with them to help deflate their egos enough so they could lift a dumbbell, telling them if that shirt looks good on them… I guess I was stupid for thinking they care.

I mean… I sacrificed so much to be with you.

And you won’t take 20 minutes for me.

And she may not be here forever. And I would have been. But you stabbed me in the back. You left me first.

And here I am, single, alone, uno tres leches with no boo. No guy best friend. No girl best friends. And fighting to stay out of the hospital and stop losing weight and fighting skyhigh self-harm urges being triggered over and over again by those stupid punks I used to call friends. And somehow it’s okay with you. Somehow you are so obsessed with falsies and an even falser booty (mine is real. beat that sistah) that you break your promises. You break the bro code. You abandon your best friend. And it’s okay. Because you were with honey boo? You couldn’t take 5 minutes to say, not, be with honeyboo when your friend got out of the hospital? And needed you to be there? When your chica needed your help? And she just asked for ten minutes?

Last time I checked that wasn’t a friend I wanted to have. But I know chicas all over the world got this problem.

I was thinking about it this morning when I was the only woman in the gym (again). And I realized that this is a really lonely life when even your best friends are okay with hurting you.

And I know this is a tangent but I swear a cockroach just crawled up from hell and it is literally speeding over our cupboards, pooping on our dishes, and now he’s in the sink with all the dishes my roommates never wash and uggghh

The cockroach. Is flying.

I have to get out of this house.

If anyone asks later on in my life “What was the turning point? You know, before she became a raving mad pyromaniac axe murderer?”  You can point to this moment.

My other thoughts about going to the gym? The gym is really one of my only reliable friends right now. But I have an eating disorder. The gym can’t be my boo anymore. And I haven’t made a single female friend in Hawaii that I’m besties with. All my friends are men I am their chica I am their kickass princess but they don’t want me anymore. They want falsies and false booty.

I also had the thought that there were quite a few men in that gym that I knew. And that no one at the gym flirts with me. I don’t think it’s because I’m not hot. I think it’s because I’m hot. And I think I have a game face. The kind of game face that makes football players run for momma. You think a five foot three chick can’t be scary? I will own your nightmares.

No matter what the situation is I think the point I am trying to make is that at the end of the day you go to sleep with yourself. Whatever you did that day, you sleep with. Your truth stays in you. You know what you did.

So at the end of the day, I would hate to be the person going into bed with the empty lies and the even emptier soul. Because anyone who can be happy going to sleep knowing that they knifed their best friend…

Someday that’s gonna come back and kick your ass. You’re going to be in trouble and alone and you’re going to say “I want to die, this hurts so bad. I can’t take it. I feel so alone. I’m too weak to go on.”

Well. You did get rid of your #1 alpha wolf who would SLAY anyone who tried to hurt you. That’s on you. She’s the one that would have been there for you. She’s the one who has been there every time before. Who has felt like that. Who has been there. And she could have got you through it.

I hope all my guyfriends who pulled that knife in the back stunt have a day like that. And I hope when it all comes down they say my name and remember what they did to me. Because maybe that little lesson will make them better men, better protectors, better brothers, and better husbands.

And your chica may or may not be there to see it because she’s always gonna be Alpha chica. She’s always going to have a pack to lead and protect. And if you’re not in it, you’re on your own. As much as she was there for you, she’ll be that for someone else. Chicas change lives. A chica in a man’s life can make the difference between life and death.

Enjoy your sad, pathetic, little chica-less life. Hope Falsies Booty doesn’t leave you. You’re gonna need something to cry on.

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