Love Me Some Brown Suka <3

Note- not my pic

So yesterday I spoke to one of the Tongan men who works at the village and he remembered that I had mentioned that men were sleeping over at my house (against contract) and he is actually my neighbor. So I’m talking to him and then he says.

“Are there still men in your house? I’ll come chase them away.”

*and he’s the fourth 6 foot 375 lb Tongan man to offer. Tongan SWAT team anti-boys division all up in here.*

Next man that comes into my house will come face to face with a Tongan hit squad…

This is my life, guys.

Now these men I’m talking about are gentle, good men, okay? Generally. They do have a mischievous streak. In particular I remember that these Tongan men are always matchmaking for me but they looovvvee a good story so the man they were telling me about quickly went from a very nice LDS Polynesian man and a good man to a man with 2 wives and four kids back in Tonga and a thing for horses. Oh I love these people. Sometimes when I have those moments- for instance when I was in a locker room with 4 shirtless Samoan men at once- I close my eyes and envision my conservative Mormon father looking over the scene.

I don’t belly laugh very often but in that case, I do. If my dad had any idea that my guyfriends are basically “exotic dancers” and the conversations I have on a regular basis… He’d send me straight to BYU Provo. Or a nunnery.

don’t tell him please. I like my boyz, even though they are flirtatious little strippers. I have to make sure they stay out of trouble plus it’s not so bad hanging out with guys who know how to play as long as you keep your heart locked up and your game ON.

Polynesian do have a very dangerous streak (wife beating, gang violence, child abuse). When Tongans or Samoan men fight, they fight to kill. They wouldn’t blink an eye at the fights that happened at my high school, they wouldn’t consider it a fight at all. But for the most part the ones I’ve met are good men and they don’t hurt women or children, they’re very protective of those family ties. They are pretty serious about at least the appearance of chastity- if a young woman is getting into trouble with boys they will go after the boy to protect her. Technically protect her virginity but also protect her from the very, very bad things that go down in the islands if a rumor about you having sex outside marriage gets out. A young woman can be banished or beaten or even killed for that or she can never get married. It’s a huge deal. And even though it happens they don’t talk about it, the rule is basically if you’re doing it you hide it damn well. But if the girl gets pregnant… There is hell to pay because then no one can hide it and there’s all the speculation and rumors and slanders. It’s just no good to get caught.

I was just thinking about it and laughing because of course if you wanted to make a record of my life, a 2 hour movie wouldn’t even begin to cover it, my life would definitely be an HBO series. And of course living with Polynesians around all the time has been a complicated, amazing, wonderful experience but there are definitely those moments when I look up at the heavens, point and say “So, why me? No really, I want an answer. Why.”

I started my morning in the gym and today was Tonga day. Pretty much every man in there was Tongan. Polynesian men are pretty comfortable with telling me how I look, body comments are ever-present with their culture if you’re fat puka or skinny pa’e’e they will comment pretty often. Ua e puka oe! (you’ve gotten fat!). Most of the comments to me that they give are “too skinny” “should put on some weight, then you can have any boy you want” (that was Maui. I gave him one look and said I’m not changing my body for no man. He shut up after that.) Other comments are “You look so fit and healthy.” “You look so strong.” “You look very good.” And of course Samoans “Aulelei le keige” Pretty girl. They think I don’t understand them it’s hilarious.

The other day in the gym I did pullups and one of the Tongans whistled at me and gave me a thumbs up. But you also need to understand that they are even more comfortable describing your body to each other when you don’t speak their language.

Or when they think that you don’t speak their language. WHAT up SAMOA.

Also they don’t account my experience with body language. See if a man at the gym looks over at me when I’m working out- particularly when I do my booty work with the squats on top of a Bosu ball- and then looks again. And is smiling. And then while still looking nudges his gym brother and starts talking and makes this purring sound- yes, men do this. When they talk about a woman and are admiring her their voice gets lower and they kind of purr. I have NO IDEA where their mind could possibly be when they do this (probably somewhere with whipped cream, salty caramel and late night croqeumbouche) but nonetheless, this girl is not stupid. You are making that face at me, tilting your head back and smiling with a wink and that eyebrow being all sassy, uh, that language is universal.

(If you’re a sweet innocent person and don’t like slightly vulgar phrases involving male anatomy being quoted then by all means skip this next paragraph)

I think the other reason I’m not in a relationship is that I know what they’re selling and all their little tricks to sell it and I see it coming and I’m like “No you don’t” lockdown emotions and up comes my inner badass warrior woman and she says “You want to play? Fine. Let’s play.” and basically, as an old roommate put it “chops their balls off”

I normally am not turned on by a guy. That part of me shut down a long time ago and it usually comes out only when I’m doing the post-rape sex therapy work trying to relearn healthy sexuality. So reading materials and being mindful of possible fantasies involving sexuality which is really interesting and helps. But as for real, live, breathing males being a turn on for me? I’m sure that most women would die for a chance to be around half the men I call my boyz but for me? I mean… I guess they have nice pecs. And really attractive bodies. Okay fine. They’re sexy. They have a very “man” build. Big and strong and can definitely carry your shopping bags for you, and you at the same time because all these men do is play “touch” and lift.

I wish they wouldn’t say play “touch”. They mean rugby. But when they say play touch… With the way I was raised that’s not what that word means for boys and I will leave it there.

Today, however…

I NEVER get melty over guys but this morning there was this Tongan man in the gym doing just the right move. #hotchocolate. #likedempolyboyz yumm. And no. I did not stop my workout to drool over him. I went back to my weights and brought them over so I could *appreciate* him AND work out at the same time.

Dayyummm this girl’s got swag.

The move he was doing? You kneel on a mat, lock your legs over each other so all your weight is on your hands and use a roller- you put your hands on it and your arms work back and forth to push the roller back and forth over the floor, you go all the way up and all the way down. It works all the way through the arms and the core and when you do that move you can see every muscle. On him you could see all that gorgeous warm brown manliness go back and forth. Every thick rippling muscle, every erect tendon the drop of sweat pearling down his arm. I saw those arms and I was like mmmm boy I wanna know what those arms feel like. I want to feel them. I want to be held by them. I want to run my hands over them. Drink in the feeling of touching him, the warmth, the smooth skin over the hard muscle. All of it.

I have no idea if he’s single but if he isn’t then I’m just going to add to my notes on what my type is that I really like men with big strong, muscular arms. Kinda already knew that though- google Polynesian NFL football players. That’s my type.

It was a really delicious, forbidden treat to have those feelings flash up a bit this morning. It has been a long, lonnngg time since I felt that towards a man. And in more serious terms, one of the things rape stole from me is normal, healthy development of sexual identity. The kind where the girl has crushes and plays around with kissing and romance in her teens. Where she feels really strong attraction to a guy for his physique and wants to explore that with him. I didn’t really ever get that. I had some vague phases of temptation but I learned to shut it right down because men are not safe- at least in my head no man is safe, and a man that wants to be close with you is just another rape waiting to happen.

I don’t know what it means that I felt that. My emotions have been tricky and also my medications have made me have a 12 day long period and I am DRAINED and feeling not like myself at all. But I hope that this is another part of the process to becoming healthy and happy again. I hope that it’s a step towards rewarding relationships with men and being able to be intimate with them in future.

Something I’ve been thinking of is that I want to get my sexy back. I had a year or two of my life where I was super confident in my body and comfortable in myself (in highschool because I’m a beast overachiever) and I felt sexy. Not in the sense that I was going to go get it on with the guys but in the sense that thinking that I was beautiful, gorgeous, talented, and sexy made me act like the beautiful, sexy, talented woman I am and it was so rewarding to not have all that crap from other people about what I should look like or do not bother me as much as most girls my age. It was freedom. Sexy is definitely in the mind as well as the body people, never forget that.

Part of my anorexia is wanting that sexy side of me to disappear. It’s supposed to keep me “safe” from men and rape. But it also keeps me “safe” from having an intimate, healthy, rewarding relationship with men that is emotional, spiritual, and physical. You can’t keep all those walls up all the time. You can’t dam off that part of yourself and expect not to face consequences. Like my touch deprivation? Touch cravings? Crazy mood swings. All that wonderful, yes.

I guess part of what made this morning feel so good because it was just a few seconds that I felt my body wake up with a craving for something other than my bro position with a man was that it was a feeling. I had a feeling. It felt like freedom. It was exciting. It felt good. It didn’t feel bad or scary or dangerous. It felt like play. It felt like fun. I have never had that. And for me wanting to feel up a guys arm is a really big deal because I’ve had a whole posse of guyfriends and plenty of them have great, athletic bodies, but I don’t feel like touching their biceps. For me wanting to touch him like that is huugge. It’s a turn on.

He was one of those Tongan guys flashing the smile and the look at me that I mentioned aforehand in this post, but you never know with these guys what their relationship status is! I wish I knew. Because if I did know this guy by name and he was in my friend group I would ask him out. Really. I’m not that shy because I’m a man-hater. Makes it a lot easier to ask them out if their rejection doesn’t matter to you. Plus it’s also a lot of fun to tease and flirt with these guys.

Daaayyummm I wish I had that number.

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