So I still haven’t finished the posts I promised but okay let’s talk about first of all my life this week and then stuff I have been learning about recovering from rape.
My life this past week or so:
Met a Samoan footballplayer/ bodybuilder and got his number
Tongan man bought me a pineapple pina colada smoothie
Had a fight with my granola because I was trying to mix Nature Valley bar crunched up into quinoa, rolled oats, and steel cut oats. When I want something- I get it.
Did some sexting. Sleepy kitten GIFs. No literally it was a sleepy kitten and I sent it to a guy. Totally a mating call.
Drank herbal tea that was a berry zinger and hated it
Met with my boss kanaka maoli therapist and her very berry tea was AH-MAZING
Learned that I get cold anywhere lower than 80 degrees.
Stripped my shirt off and beat the crap out of a punching bag upstairs in my house and did NOT break that hole through the wall. That was someone else. I think I saw The Hulk earlier you should go ask him what happened.
Broke my phone charger. Then my phone broke. Then the charger started working. And then my phone had a change of heart at the Tmobile store and came back to life. I only took the bus 2 1/2 hours for that.
Found out that my friend back home with an eating disorder is doing really really bad and needs to go to the hospital. And my other friend with an eating disorder had a breakdown and discharged from care completely!
OH my gloss the GYM. I guess I have to tell you that story first cause you gonna love it. (my accent’s the bomb.com so haters please chill no one cares whatcha think)
So… I go to the gym three days a week for one hour. Unless I’m being naughty. In which case I can be there anywhere from an hour and fifteen minutes to two hours. This is a story of me being naughty several times this week. And I’m gonna blame a boy because I can because boyz are everything that’s wrong with this world.
AHEM speaking of boys. So you remember Apple, right? That Tongan guy that gives magical hugs? THAT one. So I’m at the gym doing my usual boss routine. Doing my squats on top of the upside down Bosu ball while holding a weighted ball. Pushups- three different kinds and at least 30 of each and 60-70 on a good day. Ab workout with a weighted ball. All o’ that. Me innocently standing there in front of the mirror doing my squats and lunges and then this man, I like feel him coming. I looked behind me and lo and behold it was exactly the guy who I have never seen at the gym- and I been going for about 4 months now- and it was Apple.
He walked up to me with that big, beautiful smile and he looks nervous to see me. Like he likes seeing me but it makes him kinda clumsy- awkward lil’ Tongan kitten. ❤ it was adorable.
*but if you tell anyone I said that I’d have to kill you.*
So we say “heyy” and fistbump and I go straight back to what I’m doing but my spidey senses are tingling and they’re whispering
He’s looking at you.
And my very helpful jock tough girl talks back to the spidey senses
Don’t look. He don’t matter, I came here to crush it. More reps. More reps. I HATE BOYZ. HE MAKIN ME NERVOUS. FOCUS, GIRL!!!!!
Dem spidey senses though. So I casually happen to glance his way. He casually just happens to look my way. Except he was already looking at me and my finne ass.
* Scuse me boy. Be less obvious.*
And he’s smiling at me. He looks so happy. My spidey senses-
Told ya he was watching you. He’s smiling. I think he likes it. He’s cute. I think we like him back.
Please shut up. Noone likes you.
Dat smile girl. I bet he’s lovin’ watchin’ you work it.
That’s it. Box of shame. I’ll let you out when hell freezes over.
I love my head it’s such an interesting place to live. Everyone in there has an opinion. 😉
When I work out I have this face. Basically it’s like when Wonderwoman is leading the charge across No Man’s Land. I also growl. And bite. So he looks over and he’s smiling and the best I can do is lift my eyebrows to say yes boy I see you, now go away. And I do ten times more reps than I was planning on doing.
Normal girls reaction to a cute guy she likes feeling her up with his eyes in the gym- she looks over at her friend
“OMG is he looking at me?” ^_^ ❤ “Omigod omigod omigod tell me if he’s looking!”
“Wait. Lemme check.” The other girl makes a trying-to-hard-to-be-casual look his way “Oh dang girl, he fine. And also he’s looking. Now he’s talking to his friend. OMG girl”
“OMG. ❤ ❤ ❤ Let’s do some more squats girl.”
“Yas girl. Work.”
But see, that’s what normal people do. I’m not what you call normal. I’m a mermaid. 😉 I don’t do things your way. Ever. So what happens when a guy I like shows up at my gym?
First of all I don’t have a female friend with me. Or a boyfriend. Because if I’m being honest I am the only person who can survive my workout and be able to move the next day. And I’m focused. And I go hard at every rep. The guy is there. I acknowledge his existence and say hey and go right back to being focused.
I feel warm fuzzies and then my inner jock talks to me. We don’t do feelings. We came here to work. Work it girl. Go harder. Faster. Up the tempo. More weight. We are going to finish dis. And I’m nervous which is why the inner jock showed up in the first place. She’s what we call the ultimate defense against boys. She’s the front line. The linebacker sometimes too. Nothing gets past this girl and if it does it doesn’t go past until she’s bleeding on the ground- that is how hard it is to get past her. She doesn’t quit. Ever.
So instead of say, flirting, talking to the man of interest. I do more reps. And nothing happens except he gets a free show of my finnnee sexyliscious body for an extra half hour.
That darn smiling adorable Tongan. RRrrr. I have been sore for A WEEK.
And so a day later when my phone broke I went to the mall and I bought some dang sexy leggings and sports bras (plus a tanktop that says Train Like a Girl) and I think you can guess why. It’s not being cute like “I wanna look pretty for my boyfriend” No, my attitude about buying the sexy clothes is “Ok boy, if you gonna look, I’m gonna make it so sexy you gonna walk out fo shame. There is no upping the sexy on this girl. I will crush. it.” It’s competitive. Kinda like if you wanna look at me when I’m doing my workout, I’m gonna make it so hot you’ll wish you’d never looked. Dis’ girl fierce.
Taking a break from storytime a few days after that tryst at the gym I did get that very bad news about my friend with an eating disorder. If I’m being honest, I’m terrified. I dream about her starving to death or in the hospital and I get so scared. I wake up over and over and it’s not just my PTSD. And I was so depressed. And so lonely. Part of the reason I got that Samoan guys number? It’s because he isn’t LDS/Mormon. And my guyfriends are being losers. I basically have no one and I definitely have no one to cuddle. So…. Some men have offered me sex. Question is, would you give sex just to be held? Would you give sex just to feel like someone loves you- even if it’s not real- just for a minute or an hour or maybe even a full day?
And I know you’re going to say- well what about Apple? He likes you! You like him! Just go attack hug him!
Truth is that’s part of the reason I haven’t gotten any closer to him is because I’m in a lot of pain right now. And my whole life my dad, my stepgrandfather, my mom- people in my life told me I would never be “enough” for a man. I’d be too ugly or too broken for a man to want to be with. It never even occurred to me that they were wrong until I realized hey, is there ever going to be a perfect point in recovery for me to get a boyfriend? There isn’t! Cause getting a boyfriend is going to help with parts of recovery. There is no perfectly safe relationship, ever. Risk and being vulnerable is what makes it happen whichever way it goes.
I’m afraid he’s going to see something he doesn’t like and it’s going to hurt me because the truth is that I am in a lot of pain and as the men in my life are portraying for you in realtime- they don’t stick it out through pain. Another one of my guyfriends “broke up” with me just last week after I came home from the ER (I pulled a muscle in my chest wall and stopped breathing. They groped me all over my chest and triggered hella PTSD which is part of why I haven’t posted much. I’m fine from that now, the pull, not the PTSD.) I was literally having a conversation with him where I said “I can’t trust you, you have to give me time. Men have just left me and hurt me and I expect you to do the same thing.” and then I made the mistake of telling him he kinda reminded me of the rapist. And that was all it took. It was just over. I’ve known him for almost a year. He promised over and over again that he’d never abandon me. Even in that conversation he promised he would never abandon me.
If men are going to treat me like their f***toys then why shouldn’t I just go be their f***toy? I don’t feel like a person. A human. I mean, I wouldn’t even do this to a dog.
And so I’m sitting here and I like this guy and he’s cute and my head is wandering off into fantasy land naming my half Tongan children (I don’t have any desire to have kids but if I was a proper LDS Mormon girl then I would) and imagining snuggling up with him on the couch after a long day… And in real life I’m sitting here alone. And there’s war going on in my head and my heart because half of me believes it’s not possible and then when I wonder why the only word that comes to mind is rape and the other word that comes with it is man. Because at the end of the day no matter what I pretend or fantasize about this guy, he is a man. He has the potential to be so dangerous to me and I’m already in so much pain. If I let him in any closer and he leaves it’s just another broken shard of glass through my heart.
But if I don’t let anyone in then I sit here, like this, forever! With no one to call. Noone to cuddle with. And self-harm will be my only friend. I have to defend myself but at the same time all I want is to not have to for one blinking minute where someone else just holds onto me and says it’ll be okay and it’s not just me using my inner jock girl to coach me through the next PTSD episode or self-harm episode. I’m the Queen but I’m a person too. Sometimes I have needs too, and I’ve spent most of my life not having my needs met, and I feel like I’m starving to death from the inside out because I crave love and affection so bad but since KT left I have never had that on the same level as we had together.
If I was Wonder Woman… If Wonder Woman knew men the way I did, she would have burned all of mankind and started over.
I hear puppies are quick studies.