Well… That day did not go as planned. In the best possible way.
All night I was tossing and turning from those nightmares. I woke up crying over and over again just wanting a hug. Just another person to hold onto. So then I’m super depressed and I lie to my Samoan momma about going to church and pack to go to the beach, but the waves not so good about noon so I went to the boys hale first. I drew in my journal and yes, someday I will share those pictures but today is not that day.
I restricted all my meals today… Which was not exactly topnotch athlete worthy behavior but sometimes I relish behaving like a five year old. I have been climbing many trees in the past two days because heck, why not? I’m just not the sort of person that you hand off responsibility to because I will utterly fail you if there is even the slightest hint of a cute, fluffy thing.
So then I went to the beach and I was reading about relearning touch and I was reading some books about what happens to women who are sexually abused and how they change, especially in how they relate to men. The book I was reading today is by Wendy Maltz and it’s called Private Thoughts: exploring the power of women’s sexual fantasies. It classes different types of fantasies- a theme, if you will- of how women achieve orgasm or take solace in their own sexuality. I have been studying this stuff since before I even started therapy so make that two years of the academic world of human sexuality stirring around in this brain of mine. There’s a lot of fascinating research about how anorexia nervosa pertains to shame and guilt about previous sexual experiences. Most women who go to treatment for eating disorders have been raped or abused and commonly this is in childhood.
What I noticed is that I rarely ever have an even remotely sexual feeling, let alone a fantasy, but when I do have a fantasy it stops right before “the act”. Which makes sense because lately vaginismus has become a dear old pal to me. It swings between rape and S&M to the woman being a dominatrix until the man just gives all his power over to her. He’s emasculated and she goes through the whole experience knowing her sexuality, the force of her charisma, has made him a prisoner to her pleasure. Which is very interesting considering the fact that I am like normal people. I go to the grocery store. I take the bus. I chase butterflies. You’d never guess I’d fantasize about anything like that.
This does have a point. As I go through the rest of my day this stuff about sexual fantasies will be significant. Just trust me on this one.
So I come back to the courtyard between the hales and two of my Tongans ride up on their bikes! My bruh Moni and Sione and Moni takes off his hat and his hair is so fluffy I wanted to touch it so bad. We do basic smalltalk about what’s going on in their lives and then Moni finally let’s me TOUCH THE FLUFFY and I just really enjoy it when guys hair is fluffy and they let me run my hands through it. It’s kind of like a fluffy dog if you stretch the imagination. And it made me laugh because I want a dog so bad, but hey, if I can’t have a dog, maybe I can just pet Moni on the head and feed him cookies. Haaa I’m not sexist at ALL.
And then my Samoan ex-guyfriend comes out and I get so depressed I want to self-harm right there right then. He talks to me but I just don’t care. I wanted to scream at him but I restrained myself and of course that made it so much worse. Maybe if I had punched him I wouldn’t have had that problem. But I also think he needs his face to smooch his girl with…
Skipping over that encounter I get my Japanese guyfriend to come out to visit me by saying “Hey you, come visit! I’m really cute!” and then I vented out all my feelings on a poor Japanese guy who struggles with English. He usually gets about 60% of what I say to him. And I nearly cried. We said a prayer together. Then he leaves to go help with a ward barbecue because we are Mormons and we eat food. And because I’m awesome here are some memes to help you get into the “spirit”
Okay so if you aren’t friends with LDS people or are LDS you won’t get it but I still try K.
And then my next victim- I mean “guyfriend” comes along. He’s a new guy from Brazil and we shall call him Enrique because I can. And I start out the conversation by running over to him and yelling “Chipmunk!”
Because for some reason he reminded me of the three chipmunks okay. So in the course of that conversation we discuss chipmunks, my tendency to bite people, the hail Mary pass, and finish off with him teaching me a phrase in Portuguese. Whether or not I spell it right matters not because I’m sure the internet will correct me.
“Cala a tu boca e me bieja” And he says “Okay now let’s see if you can figure it out.” And as I’m sitting there his friends walk up and say hey and they tell me.
We also, in this conversation mentioned why I’m single.
“Why are you single?”
“because men are cowards. See they like me, but they don’t have the courage to ask me out. So I remain single.”
“I have never head that excuse before so okay. Want to get married tomorrow?”
Fast forward I am leaving the boys hale and a big Fijian man comes up to me and reminds me of his name Kepueli (no that’s not a Fijian name you’re welcome for the ambiguity) and then he’s lie “Oh, you have sunscreen there.”
“Oh, do I now? I swear if you lyin to me. I literally just talked to four guys and none of them noticed that.”
“Here, let me help.”
Let you help…. So next thing I know this big Fijian man has his hands around my face and is helping rub in my suntan lotion.
Don’t tell my dad. Please. Half of the things I do in college would make him go es loca and want to bring me back home to the nunnery where I was raised (the LDS community of Arizona).
And then I have some on my jawline. And then I turn around and the Enrique so sexy is on his knees with his car keys held up to me and I turn to him and smile and say
“Why thank you. I accept your proposal.”
So if you struggle with that visualization imagine a hot brunette babe from Law and Order standing between a big Fijian man and a Brazilian man while a Samoan man (Teddy Bear) is watching in the background. And one of them has just “helped” her rub in her suntan lotion and the Brazilian has just taught her how to say “Shut up and kiss me” in Portuguese and “proposed”.
And then the Fijian man and I have a conversation about how he needs a nap and we are just playing around. Talking about some things. Sleep. Food. Tongan men. And how it looks like rain and I’d better hurry home or I might have to enter in the wet t-shirt competition and he looks me up and down and says “oh, I’d pay to see that.” And his major is exercise sports science and I am being my usual sassy adorable self and he keeps saying things like “When I flirt, I like to do it classy” and me “Oh, do you now?” with eyebrow raised. And before he goes I thank him for walking me a quarter mile back to my house (yes, a quarter mile) and he says “Oh it’s not a problem. You’re hot.” And I just look at him. And he says “You are looking at me like you’re waiting for the punchline.” And I said “That is exactly what I’m waiting for. Usually boys who say that are playing around.” “Well I’m not playing around, I mean it, you’re really hot.”
And I just look at him and I’m just like “I just wanna hug you.” And I get a big Fijian man hug. (It’s called being mugged. Man-hug=mug) And it’s comfy and warm. It’s not like an Apple hug or a Teddy Bear hug or a KT hug. It’s different. Feels good though. He just holds me. We hug maybe twice and it’s tight and it feels great. That was what I needed. All of my self-harm stuff went out the window. I didn’t need my self-harm. I didn’t crave the pain.
I have to tell you… That my self-harm is always about touch deprivation and loneliness. And now I have a Fijian hug buddy. That was an answer to prayer. I got HUGS today. Good hugs. And I didn’t self-harm! I didn’t cut or burn or restrict my food! I ate some f-ing peanut butter M&Ms today!
And the thing about women’s sexual fantasies. Mine aren’t about sex. What I want is cuddles. I don’t need sex. I don’t really have any interest in kissing. All I want is to be held,hugged, and cuddled. And maybe I get into tricky situations with that…
And maybe I shouldn’t have taught Apple how to say “Shut up and kiss me” in Portuguese because he’s dangerous enough with just English and Tongan but hey it’s a sexy line and judging by the lineup of men I have he just might need it.
It feels kind of weird that my insides might just go squishy over a guy and to imagine a guy saying that to me and me actually kissing him and enjoying it? The rape has affected so much of who I am and my daily life. Rape makes you feel so helpless. It rewires your brain. It sets up triggers and automatic reactions and the PTSD does not help me in the good lovin’ department. I flinch away from so much of touch and I feel so disconnected. Touch is one of the only connections that works for me and it’s natural that I’m drawn to men who are comfortable with touch.
Also I can’t believe a guy called me hot to my face. Normally I would just shut that down but today… I could tell this guy meant it. And maybe he was just screwing around but you know what I am what they call an equal opportunity user. I got what I needed and I do care about the person I get it from, I’m not trying to abuse or degrade anyone. But when I get offered a hug and he’s not a blatant dangerous rapist I usually can’t say no because I’m starving. I hope that as I get more loving touch it won’t be so es desperado.
How is this next week gonna go? Well I have no idea. I know the Tongan guy still likes me. But now I’m looking at it and it’s actually really good that I don’t just have one boyfriend because it he leaves, I am left with the same problem. I think I need to keep my guyfriends in my life. I can’t cut off my social connection and I need a man who can handle that.
And just so you know, I am NOT up late at night listening to Carly Rae Jepson I really really really like you. I would never stoop so low. I am a mature… NVM I’m a liar and someday I’ll be locked up for it. “I CONFESS, I WAS LISTENING TO GIRLY POP MUSIC” but… today is not that day 😉