Black and White

Image result for panda gif

I lovvveee pandas. Pandas give me hope for this world. When I am super depressed I google pictures and videos of fluffy pandas cuddling.

What I find, everytime I want to self-harm or restrict- when I have an explosion of emotions it’s because I need something so desperately, I will do anything to get it. But here’s the thing. I never get it. For some reason that thing that I want just won’t work.

I can speak about 4 languages. I can read and write them but when I open my mouth to speak I am stopped of utterance. No matter how much I study or how capable I know I am I cannot keep myself speaking or I would be fluent in all 4 of those languages. I know I am capable of speaking but there is a block.

I feel that way with the rape. I feel like I want to scream. I want to punch something. Beneath this rage is maddening hurt. Hurts like hell. It’s like breathing through shards of glass sprayed into your lungs. The very task of breathing alone is enough pain to kill and yet I survive. I go to sleep hurting like hell and I wake up hurting like hell and deep down I know why I’m hurt. And I don’t want to be the victim. I want to be the hero. The warrior.

Today my ex-Samoan guyfriend I saw him and he was all cute and smiling and honestly I just wanted to walk up to him and punch him in the face. I wanted to scream at him, yell at him, but I calmed myself saying “That won’t help fix the real problem”. So mnay people have walked out. I just struggle to keep them around, I guess. My issues drive them away, too. Since KT…

I know screaming at him won’t make a difference. But then I would be able to scream and rage and cry and let out some of these feelings. The punching bag at the gym was taken down because someone kicked it and tore a hole through and BYUH can spend millions of dollars on new things but the gym is a pathetic excuse. I could literally make a better fitness center in someone’s backyard with less of a budget than they have right now. So I have no punching bag to attack to channel my anger. I have to walk and I can’t run. I can’t jump. I’m limited and can’t really dance.

When my tibia got that fracture and I lost running it broke a lot more than my leg. It broke my heart. And now something deep inside is broken and throbbing and it’s not just the rape stuff. It’s the losses. It’s the feeling of deep inconsolable pain that just won’t heal and I’m fighting it day in day out and it drains me.

I feel like I need to scream. I feel like I need to yell. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how to release these powerful emotions without hurting myself or others. I avoid hurting others by holding them in myself.

I need. to. scream.

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