I know that after that intro you are thinking “Girl, we heard y’all before. We know you take that Taio Cruz song as gospel.”
And you’re also thinking “So, what else is new?” HA. Why would I write about it if it was just like the last 47 times? I wouldn’t. Shut up, grab your moosemunch, and read my drama.
I know I’ve hurt men before, but this time I actually feel really bad because this is a verrry cute guy and he seems very sweet. And because sexy isn’t exactly what I look for since I have a major amount of trauma involving men. Basically I’m okay with them as long as they’re 1) cute 2) Useful. But if they try to get sexy with me- nope. I’m out. And it’s not because most of these guys are bad people! That’s why what went down today with Apple made me so sad is because it was kinda like kicking a puppy. You’ll remember Apple is the perfect hug size and gives wonderful hugs and he visited me at the gym and he has a very cute smile and the story of how we met is that he kidnapped me Tongan style at the PCC lagoon. Anyways this guy is dang cute! I don’t like to hurt cute people or puppies or anything cute and fluffy. But I will kill to defend my stuffed panda. Touching my panda is an act of war.
Warning future boyfriend if you’re out there: Do. Not. Touch. The. Fluffy.
And you know what I’ve been noticing! He gets awkward when I’m around. I would say twitchy but that’s not quite it. It’s like he’s doing something and he gets distracted and he looks at me and smiles but doesn’t know what to say. And yes, he drops stuff. He’s fine before I come over but as soon as he sees me he seems nervous.
And the other day there was a dance and I went over to him while he was at the canoe and leaned against the rail right next to him and I smiled and I was way closer to him than usual and he had trouble speaking. Maybe to others it wasn’t that noticeable but he just smiles when I’m around. I like his smile a lot. He has the Nifo Koula (that just means gold tooth) it’s like for graduation or a mission it’s a symbol of status or accomplishment, they see having a gold plate over some of their teeth as very attractive. Pretty much every Tongan I know has that but he also has these eyes. They are very expressive. One look and you can fall into them. Look, I have examples and yes that is my Tongan best friend up the coconut tree. Appreciate him, ladies, he is single. 😉
And like I said before he feels safe. There’s not an ounce of harm in this guy and believe me I can tell when a man is the type who uses women.
So today my day was get up all through the night and then finish up at 4:30am, question my existence “how bad do I really want this?” then roll out of bed anyways and hit the gym for an hour with no AC and skip cardio then go shower with freezing cold water- I live in Arizona but I still take hot showers when it’s 110 degrees. I do NOT. Do. Cold. Oh and then I walk past 4 newly engaged couples in one morning. OH and I went to Samoan and I got partnered with my exguyfriend and then Teddy Bear was sitting in the back of the class and he said hi to me and smiled and it broke my heart.
The reason I asked them to go away is because I can see the love they have for me in their eyes and the idea of loving them so much but being so separate right now… It hurts me. And I just want to cry. He was sitting in one of the chairs in the little theatre where my class is (smalltown college, much?) and I saw his eyes and I saw everything. Despite everything we said to each other and everything that happened I know I love this guyfriend and I know he loves me too. And if my emotions were actually expressed what I would have done is just get down in front of that chair and press my forehead to his hand and say I am so sorry.
Why that particular gesture? Because he did that to me before. It’s a gesture of respect and humility. I’m not great at initiating touch. But that’s what I would use. But when he’s with his fiancée I can’t even look at them. I’m not sure how to win because shutting him out hurts both of us a lot and me not supporting his new relationship hurts him and him being so caught up in it that he forgets about me hurts me just as bad.
I am a slow healer.
Anyways so after that morning I saw a couple kiss and that’s all it took. My self harm urges skyrocketed after I saw Teddy Bear and then I was sitting on a bench because I took myself on a walk and I tried to keep my hands and mind busy and then there was this Tongan couple and they kissed in front of me and from across the courtyard I heard the sound and BAM panic attack. Hand twitching all over the place. Not sure where I am. Pain. Trying my best not to throw up everywhere. And tears start pouring down my face. Somebody at some point asked if I was okay and I said I’m just having a moment and waved him away.
I should be the head of Disaster Control. Or POTUS. same difference.
And my professor and I had a chat about it just last Friday and I had my panic attack right in front of his class so he made sure there was a free desk by the door and said if you can come in please do and left me out there shaking and crying.
So I made it to class with a pounding headache and I didn’t speak to anyone even though the extremely perky girl next to me gave me the sunshine routine. And I just took some notes and that was all I had in me. And then I wanted to go to the beach but as soon as that thought came to my mind clouds came rolling over the Ko’olau mountains and behold, there was rain. And because of that I went to the Polynesian Cultural Center instead and guess what, Apple was there.
That was when Moti tried to sell him to me as Apple walked away to get something “This guy he’s a good catch, you should follow him wherever he goes.”
“Why? Where’s he going that’s so special?”
“Back to you. See this is a really good guy. He’s so humble and he has a lot of loving in his heart to give to you.”
So then I said
“You know when I was at church they told me the same thing about one of the Fijian guys, what makes this one so special?”
“Oh this guy is special.”
“You know lots of people have tried to sell men to me, it’s never worked before.”
“You should buy one.” Apple says with that cocky raised eyebrow and suggestive smile those guys get when they think they’re sexy
“No, I should buy 5 in case one breaks.”
“No, just one.”
“But if he doesn’t work out you need options!”
And after he had to leave to do something for work I realized why he looked like that. He was flirting with me! And I shot him down! I didn’t even think it might hurt his ego. I was just responding.
And after he left two of the other Tongan men decided to play the game. If you don’t have feelings, you can hang out with Tongans. If not, you really really should not hang out with Tongans. Samoans tease you out of love and they have an idea of how far is too far. Tongans? There was a limit?
“So I hear you’re living alone in your room now.”
“So can I come over?”
“But there was this Samoan man, with a six pack, really tall good-looking guy, you let him come in your room!?”
“Did not! You know full well I don’t date Samoans!”
“Stop lying to us. We know you have a Samoan.”
“I do not even hold hands with Samoan men, thank you very much.”
“Well then hold my hand!”
“Why not? Okay fine, what about Moti?”
“Nope. He’s weaving a hat, his hands are busy.”
And then Moti says
“You know I just want to come over and stay the night and make sure the place is okay, you know. Just come lay on your bed and make sure it’s comfortable.”
Ad I said “First of all the bed is not Tongan size. Secondly I sleep on a mat on the floor.”
“Then who sleeps on the bed?”
“Noone except my stuffed animals and that’s the other reason you’re not coming over is because if you touch one of my stuffed animals you will not wake up the next morning.”
“OH. But I want to eat the stuffed animal.”
“But if I eat a stuffed animal I become a stuffed animal, and then I’ll be a big teddy bear and I’ll just lay on your bed and not move and you can snuggle however you want. How is that?”
“I think becoming a teddy bear would be a real improvement on any man.”
“I’ll do it for you, I promise.”
And that is where I am going to leave it. Because then they started talking about how pretty I am when I smile. And I left to go to Aotearoa and see my friend Himaora who works at Maori village and this guy is sooo cool. He is at the gym with me everytime I go and he’s really chill to talk to. He talks about church stuff too but he’s pretty good at not pushing my buttons about it and he genuinely wants to help. So today he taught me the Maori stick game and no this is not my video but it is really really fun so watch it anyways.
Anyways so after that I came home and I have my massive headache and it’s raining and I need to get my homework done, bake some blueberry muffins, and then go to sleep at a normal human being time. We started Tahitian dance in my dance class today and I will include a clip of Tahitian dance so you can see a bit of it. ❤
And a sidenote is lol I have been taking pictures of Tongan canoe for over a year and they always switch who is on the canoe so Apple is not on there, just in case you wondered. That guy does have such a cute smile but unfortunately he’s engaged. Sorry ladies, this is BYUH. Suck it.
Sidenote it is now nighttime and my Samoan neighbors are playing a form of twenty questions that is about a PG rating if you’re naïve and PG-13 if you get all the jokes.
Oh. Plot twist. Her first boyfriend was actually Tongan. OMG. She found out from her cousin three years later. #onlyintheislands