For those of you who don’t speak Tongan (my hand is raised as well) the tau’olunga is a form of traditional dance unique to the islands. Samoa has a version as well tau’olunga which they tell me is different but because I don’t know those dances it doesn’t matter much to me.
So my day was supposed to be like this- Wake up at 6 go to Tongan Chapter opening social at the beach for like 20 minutes then hop on the bus to go an hour up and away to see my therapist then get back on the bus, stop at home, and then take a 2 1/2 hour bus ride to Sam’s Club and then a 2 1/2 hour bus ride back.
You should already be shaking your head because you already know that that’s not how it went down. Life likes to laugh at my plans. And at the end of the day when heaven’s not so busy, I’m pretty sure God sits down with some moose munch popcorn and has himself a good laugh at C’est La Vie, Brookie.
And instead the chain of events was this- Wake up at 6. Run out with my breakfast. Get to the Tongan Chapter Activity. The bus came early for once in the history of mankind so I missed it and the next one wasn’t for an hour so you can cancel my majorly important appointment with my therapist. And then I walk back to my house and have a fight with my landlady which was like an argument with my mom and she threatens to kick me out of the house… And rent is due like, tomorrow. And then for reasons I will disclose later I had to head on down to Kaneohe to buy a new bra. I came back and set my affairs in order and then went to Tongan Village at the Polynesian Cultural Center and stopped by Samoa too.
So I was the only palagi girl at the activity for the first hour or two so it was just lil me and 5 Tongan men barbecuing meat but no these are Tongans and their favorite thing to do is make jokes and have fun. So they say “Come on Brookie, dance!” “Dat’s not my song, guys.” “Well what is your song then?” And I think about it and then I start laughing because my song I love is… Fergalicious. If you watch it, you’ll get it.
And I danced to Fergalicious for them. Oh yeah. I did that. And that Tongan guy and I forgot his pseudonym and I really don’t want you to figure out who he is we’re going to call him Sinamani Pani because I’m awesome and I can.
Sinamani Pani is the one with the good voice who is a cute guy and pretty friendly but he’s waiting for a girl to come home from her mission so he can marry her. Yep. If you ever google reasons why Mormons are crazy just skip the google and think that we make people wait for up to 2 years in a long distance relationship where you can’t ever call or see each other and expect it to work out. ANYWAYS so he danced with me too.
So then we set up a volleyball net after I get to stand around while they play oldies Tongan music. It’s like easy listening music. But naughty. I’ll explain when you’re older. One of the guys I knew got married apparently and he’s a newlywed and my goodness why did you come out of the house like that. So that was happening too and that was awkward. Oh but my Samoan guyfriend got engaged last week and my Fijian guyfriend got engaged a few hours ago to a girl he met online and dated every day for 2 months. Like I said, don’t google reasons why Mormons are crazy, just ask one of them “how did you two meet?”.
“I MET MY ETERNAL COMPANION”….
“TWAS TWO HOURS AGO…..”
“I HAD A VISION WE WERE TO BE MARRIED ON THE MORROW”
ON that note
I CALL BS
And as far as the song goes they played an old song that’s kinda naughty apparently and they wouldn’t tell me what was so funny which usually means it’s bad. And they do this to me all the time so I would know. Never trust a Tongan who tries to 1) teach you “tongan” 2) asks you to come in his canoe 3) Tells you his best friend is in love with you and says you are the one. They would be what we call a jerk if they weren’t actually funny sometimes.
Next thing I know I’m playing volleyball with five Tongan men on my side and six Tongan men on the otherside because my boys came back from playing “touch” (rugby). And my buddy Money oh my gosh I don’t know what he is doing but it’s working. I saw him from behind in his little rugby uniform with the shorts and I was like dayumm that’s a good form right there, who is that cute guy? ❤ and he turns around and I’m like oh, that’s my bruh, never mind! It is a breach of the unspoken code of being a girl who is just a friend- we don’t check out our brothers. Unless we’re approving an outfit for them to impress their girl. Anyways yeah. I don’t feel attracted to guys but I appreciate that he’s doing something and it’s working. And that’s bad because he’s also waiting for a girl and I need to use my eyes for more practical eyecandy like, idk, the single men?
Maybe Money is eating less McDonalds and more green bananas, more time up the coconut tree. Who knows. He looked fiinne on Saturday and that’s what matters.
So my boys show up I start playing volleyball and guess what I get drafted to the other side and the boys like stand in front of me like they’re being a wall. I’m not bad at volleyball people, and I’m honestly not sure if it was more competition or more “she’s a girl and we spike hard enough to stop a train”. Either way I still got to hit the ball and serve it and whatever but when they needed me to move they yelled in Tongan so I stood there until they used English. They kept looking at me like “Girl, why aren’t you moving”
“FAKAPALAGI FAKAMOLEMOLE MY BROTHERS” But then of course I supposedly don’t know ANY Tongan (and if you value your wellbeing you’re going to keep it that way because I don’t need them to know what I know) so I couldn’t say that.
At one point I got kicked in the back by a Tongan man and just kept playing. The bruise is gorgeous, by the way. Because I’m gorgeous and when I get injuries they are glorious and yes I swear I am taking all my meds on time. In this case my narcissism has nothing to do with spiked chemicals and everything to do with the fact that I am a *wee* bit competitive. For instance when the ball hit my leg hard, a new guy I met, Lele reaches over to touch it and says are you okay and I just knock his hand away and growl “I’m fine.” And Apple sees this exchange. He totally saw that guy grab my thigh and didn’t say anything.
Man card revoked. 😡
But then again maybe I’ll give him half back because I didn’t need a man to step in for me anyways. Plus he has that girl to impress and he needs all the help he can get for when she realizes just how different things work in Tonga versus her lil motown state of Utah USA.
And he’s on my side and he is so careful not to knock into me and I get yelled at for basically not tackling him and I looked over at one of the guys and said “Okay, me versus a 400 lb Tongan man, who is gonna come out of that alive?”
They didn’t say anything smart about it after that. In fact they pirouetted around me the rest of the game.
I can be pretty scary for someone who is five foot three and is half the size of the smallest guy there. Yep. It’s my bark. People hear my bark and they want nothing to do with my bite.
And then after we finished up some volleyball they start playing a song and one of the guys from the village looks over at me and says “Hey, remember the tau’olunga?”
Him “Come on, do the tau’olunga!”
So then I do and I do my little attempt at the tau’olunga and then Sinimani Pani jumps up and starts dancing with me and shouting “MALIE MALIE!”
So I’m a palagi girl at the beach dancing a Tongan tau’oluga with an “exotic” Tongan dancer. (remember what that means?) Sinamani Pani has a pseudonym for a reason.
Really. My life is crazy but it’s good crazy. Mostly. I mean, most of the voices behave.
Oh and on a tangent my guyfriend Aleki’s hair was soooo fluffy on top omg it was like a stegosaurus. I wanted to touch it but I decided not to ask. Wouldn’t want the other boys getting jealous now do we?
So the activity finishes with food and I duck out because I’m anorexic and I go home and then I have this conversation with my landlady “I’m not your babysitter! I always do your dishes! I asked Setu and he say you always leave them in the sink! And this room is a mess, clean it up! Don’t get smart with me girl or you can look for a new place to live!”
She moved me into a room with a queensize bed, a twinsize bed I don’t use and 3/4 of the room in there goes to her crap. Her crap is under both beds and fills half of the closet and the whole top shelf and a set of drawers and a nightstand and she leaves stuff out on the queen sized bed that go figure- no one actually sleeps on. I had all my stuff on the bed because I sleep on the floor and I moved rooms two weeks ago and I’m in school and I had no place to put it. So I boxed up like half of my stuff that I need on a pretty regular basis and moved it to the garage after this argument.
The stuff about the dishes was BS. I clean up my dishes after I’m done cooking for the day so usually she’s in bed by the time I take care of it. I haven’t let her touch a dish in weeks and I told her not to do them anyways. But part of this is definitely there is a racist element here. My Tongan roommate before? She could do whatever she wanted. Come home whenever she wanted. She got to put her food wherever she wanted. “Aunty” landlady let her do whatever. And I’ve been having blackouts and fainting from my medication and I spend 90% of my day on campus and she’s like “I washed your dish!”
Granted, I could be cleaner. I just had 99 other priorities like where in the hell is a doctor who can check my blood pressure or do I need to just expedite another hospital trip. And then that bra I bought on Monday? STOLEN OUT OF MY BAG ON THURSDAY. THAT IS RIGHT SOMEONE STOLE MY BRA. WTH. SO I HAD TO REPORT IT AS STOLEN TO THE OFFICE AND GO AROUND ASKING FOR IT.
I later found out the idiot girl snapchatted it. I don’t know exactly which girl took it yet but I know it was stolen. I actually hope they got her on camera because it would make my day to know she got dragged through security office and honor code for being a bra thief. I was humiliated enough as it was and I’d be happy for karma to serve her a slice of her just desserts and I’m also happy to wait as long as it takes.
ANYWAYS so besides my 24/7 selfharm urges horrible nightmares, poor sleep, spats with my whitepeople classmates because we are doing a project for my dance class and I started on the powerpoint and I did “too much” which they informed me of before they even opened it to see what was in it. And even after I gave the witch permission, she still hasn’t lifted a finger a week later to even add in the parts I left out on purpose.
I also had a complete breakdown a few times. I cried for like two hours several days this week. On Friday I ran into a church building, found a corner, and bawled for an hour straight. Day after the infamous theft of my lingerie yes. I called a guyfriend and he said “you’re strong right” and of course that worked. I got up with mascara all over my face and got going.
So add that into my Saturday formula and you’ll understand why I got so upset with the landlord. I’m running out of food I’m having crying spells I’m blacking out I’m humiliated and everywhere I turn someone comes up to me and says “so and so was talking about you” and my gosh I can’t please anyone and I have therapy and my selfharm urges going through the roof and oh my, you washed one of my dishes a week ago? FORGIVE ME FOR NOT GIVING A
AHem so I just told my landlady that I did make an effort to keep the dishes clean and I would clean up the room if it would make her happy, but that I had something important to take care of so I have to leave. And I walked out. I went to the bus stop and I felt like crying but instead I punched the iron pole and split two knuckles and started yelling
“YOU KNOW WHAT, AUNTY?! I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU WHAT CLEAN IS. YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG B••• TODAY! BY THE TIME I’M DONE YOU CAN LICK MY FLOOR CAUSE IT’LL TASTE OF FRIGGIN LEMONS AND SUNSHINE!!!”
See the whole morning I had to coach myself to get up out of bed and I had to coach myself to stay at the activity and smile when I just wanted to go home and sleep and not feel or do anything and I just wanted to be alone I pushed myself really hard and then I got shade from my landlady and that was all it took. So I cried for maybe 10 minutes but that was after I got on the bus and that was after a random hombre walked up to me like “Brookie girl, what’s wrong can I help?” And of course he saw the bloody knuckles. But I did get a hug and I think I deserved it.
So I went and I bought two bras and then came back and cleaned that room so good. (OH and my landlady leaves her dishes in the sink all day so she is one to talk about doing dishes) and then I went to PCC and in Tongan village they were like “Brookie I loved your dance!”
And I looked at them and said “But you weren’t there…”
“Oh they posted it to the Tongan village group page! You went viral.”
“I love you but I also hate you don’t speak to me.”
And get this, I went to SAMOAN village later and the first question I get asked is “Hey how was the Tongan chapter opening social?”
The only Tongan in the Samoan village who went to the social was not there at work today and no one else in the village was there. So I raised my eyebrow
“How did you know I went to the social?”
He gives me this big smile “It’s cause you’re so popular.”
It’s a good thing my knuckles were already bruised and swollen or I would have decked him.