Tangled Hair Muddy Elbows Deep Scars Somber Eyes

And I think why am I even trying
What am I hoping for
I’m waiting for someone, for something that may never come back like an abandoned puppy someone kicked and left
Why am I trying to be friends with men
Why am I trying to learn to be a dancer I will always be an outsider I will never fit in
Why don’t I actually speak those languages why do I cower like a wounded dog
I hold it in until I snap and I snap in front of someone I can’t trust and I hold it in and hold it in and I don’t even feel like a human anymore
At the end of the day I was brushing out my hair with all the tangles and leaves looking at the mud swiped up my arm the old selfharm scars the strange athletic body the dark somber sad eyes full of unshed sorrow and I don’t recognize her she looks like she’s in pain and she wants to cry and yes the red tide has come the period is knives and fire and she is suffering and I know it
But she looks so vulnerable and I hate her. I want her gone. She is why I was taken advantage of. But she is also the key to my healing. I’m so confused as to where she fits. My pieces don’t fit together and I want to yell I want to scream but my mouth won’t move
The past will not release me.

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