I spent a lot of time as a little girl reading about superheroes. Queens. Knights of the Round Table, was a favorite.
Kt asked me this question one time. And at the time I was so hit by the tidal wave of ptsd that I didn’t know which way was up. The memories were shards of glass cutting into me all over and I couldn’t move without a flashback or memory. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Constantly felt like throwing up.
I haven’t spoken to Kt in over a year. I write to him sometimes but I don’t tell him what’s come to me since then. Because he’s focused on “the Lord’s work” and that’s good. Plus he has that girlfriend to come home to. I always thought it was funny she calls herself a princess. Cause I’m the Queen.
I got the name Queen in tennis because I was really #vicious but it went deeper than that. If you knew my story, you would know why that name is mine.
I woke up one night at 3:00 am to look for a rapist in my room. There was noone there. But yet, he was. In that moment, I became depressed, developed severe post-traumatic stress disorder, and got anorexia nervosa into the bundle.
I can tell you what he did to me, where it happened, when he did it, and how old I was. I was so young the first time. But today, I’m not going to. Today, this is my story.
I have always had to be strong. From a very young age I had a depressed mother who neglected me and abandoned me. I had a father who grew up in a home with a horrible, abusive, mentally ill mother, and in order to be safe from her he learned to turn off all his emotions. There was a bitter divorce long before my birth and then a remarriage right before my birth that brought the rapist into our lives.
He met his match in me. He may have raped me hundreds of times. He may have held me down, raped me, and threatened to kill me and rape my sister, but this is a war he will not win. And I am going to tell you why.
My best qualities are independence, resilience, strength, determination, and intelligence. If it is something I truly want, I will not leave without it.
I was given rape, abuse, neglect, and a strict religion. On every side, to this day, down to the very CHEMICAL STRUCTURE OF MY BODY, AS WELL AS PHYSICAL SCARS AND INJURIES THAT JUST WON’T RESOLVE, there is opposition against me.
And yet, here I am. I am the Queen.
I am the Queen because I did not give up. I am the Queen because despite everything taken from me, everything lost, I survived. I am the Queen because despite all the people who tried to tear me down, I remain. I am the Queen because I know I am worth diamonds and more. I am THE Queen because I am the only one who can do what I do.
Every day I live with demons in my mind, pain in my heart, and a battle to fight. It’s unseen by visible eyes but trust me, it’s real. It is more violent than any physical conflict, to fight an enemy of the mind. They never truly leave.
My story isn’t finished yet.