Someone had to say it.
Anorexia is all about looking to be perfect to distract from the holes but when we do have those moments of reality… It’s all brokenness.
Pretty sure if you’ve been around this blog for the past two weeks I’ve been dealing with a lot of issues. I mean if you’ve seen the movie The Devil Wears Prada that lady ran a tight ship and she was the dragon of the fashion industry right?
But if you remember the ending of the movie you realize that this woman who has all this power and looks like she has everything together has a broken personal life. I think a lot of people with anorexia, with self-harm, tend to be like her. Normally when someone has an illness you can see most of the effects. Stitches. A wheelchair. Maybe hair loss. An oxygen machine.
I’ve read things on tumbler that talk about the girl who seems to have the perfect everything, but in reality, is one of the most broken people in any room. And I definitely felt that when I relapsed this week. I should have seen it coming with all the stress and the drama but I didn’t. I was too much into it to have a perspective and I guess no one is really close enough to me to be able to read the warning signs and part of a relapse for me is trying to get someone to notice I’m in distress and help because as much as I wish I could get through this alone I cannot. Intellectually I get that. Emotionally hell no am I letting you close enough to hurt me again.
I just want to be perfect, is that too much to ask?
I think the most attractive thing about anorexia is this idea that if you have the perfect everything, you will feel loved and accepted. You think if you’re the top sprinter with the perfect grades and the perfect ass you will have it all. The cute boyfriend the loving and supporting girlfriends. And people do envy you because they typically aren’t looking at the invisible cracks in your armor. They walk past, not knowing you just cried for two hours because you can’t stop reliving a past painful beyond any expression of suffering you could ever utter. Pain that spans lifetimes and breaks you. Breaks you and your family apart.
But then you walk out of the bathroom with your makeup back on because covergirls don’t cry and you get all that attention for your façade and throwback
Sidenote a mosquito has bitten me 4 times in the past 20 minutes and I am having no luck murdering him yet. But I’m not a quitter so tonight a tiny soul will be sent to heaven with my name on it. RRR.
Also sidenote I’m having the period from hell. I used to have cramps so bad I passed out and threw up. Well I’ve blacked out twice in two days and I woke up at 3:22am to eat cheerios and for me I ate a TON. That means there’s this little cup of 12 small bites of brownies and I’ve had 6 in two days plus 6 little mini cookies. I know. And I ate cheerios with cow’s 2% milk okay. I am terrified of cow’s milk. I stick to almond milk because it’s low calorie and has more nutrition. It lacks some basic proteins and other things that are VERY good for you but the sugar content? My gosh in my head drinking a tiny little box of Hershey’s milk is a splurge of epic proportions.
As you can see, my anorexia is doing quite well, thank you.
In a way I was asking for a relapse. I was engaging in all my avoidant behaviors AND I was too ashamed to log my meals. AND I had way more drama than any human should have to handle. And on top of that I was feeling out of my mind issues with men and sexuality this past week because up until last week I did not manage to make a habit of using that dilator.
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we are commanded not to masturbate, look at porn, or engage in sexual activities before marriage. Maybe I wrote about this before and maybe that works really well for a young virgin but it’s not going to work for me because my sexuality, which is one of the most intimate parts of any person, is busted up. I’m plagued day to day 24/7 with horrific memories of rape and abusive sex and men saying horrible, misogynistic, body shaming things to me- and even worse than the emotional reactions that make me gag on my food and want to self-harm is that even though there are not that many men in my life- or the church in my life, reinforcing those actions and words, my own head is full of their voices. Pounding against my spirit in a hellish chorus I will never forget what those men have done to me.
When I relapsed it was a long day and things were just bad and there was this awful fourway fight at my house between me, the landlord, another roommate, and the girl who brought a man home and slept with him. Man was she pissed. And then she tried to play it off as an accident. I want to believe her but she said “My god it’s like you want us to get punished.” and I looked at her and I said “You know, when you do stupid things, there is this thing called consequences.”
The school took forever to find that report and I went between two offices and sent so many emails and did in-person meetings because EVEN IF the girl really made an innocent mistake (and according to my other roommates he was drunk) the point here is that this is a great way for girls to get raped. And the fact that the school had so much trouble even FINDING that report and with people in the housing office TIPPING OFF the girls at the house damn it you are ASKING to up those damned college rape statistics. And yes I am swearing and yes I have been so disappointed and so pissed off at all this.
I signed a contract to live in a house with girls, not with mos. (man hos) I signed a contract to lived by the damned honor code. But this is dangerous! This is absolutely dangerous. According to American Law and the Violence Against Women Act universities are required to make sure there is readily accessible care available for victims of sexual assault, to release their rape and sexual abuse statistics, to report any infraction, and to inform students of the legal ramifications.
If they can’t find 1 Title IX report, and lots of students are sleeping together against the honor code- that doesn’t give me any faith in the university’s ability to handle a major sexual assault and rape problem. And being a private church college makes this even stickier! Because not only should they be following federal law and I highly suspect that this is not the case, this school also has basic standards of behavior that students are required to uphold for basic safety and they are not enforcing it! So I get in trouble for wearing a henna design on my arm- and in the meantime we have girls bringing home drugged up beach boys and sleeping with them in UNIVERSITY HOUSING (which means that they all signed a contract to uphold the honor code and not do that and are supposed to be fined or sent home for even one violation which I can tell you personally does not happen) The focus of any university and one of the number one priorities is to AVOID lawsuits because they are all about money and we know this.
I think they’re asking for it. If you ever read about the issues at BYU Provo with honor code and rape there was a huge deal made out of it. I think Hawaii has got it just as bad if not worse just based on my experience with how they handled Title IX issues I was involved in as a victim or a bystander. I don’t feel safe here anymore and I am furious that they don’t do more to protect us and that they do not have appropriate care available to victims of sexual assault. In fact I would LOVE to see a full federal investigation go down because even more important than revenge to me, is I can close my eyes and see the faces of girls who have been raped or assaulted and broken, and I don’t care how much drama I have to make to make sure that this does not continue- that’s my top priority.
In fact on Monday I’m going to the administration building and scheduling an appointment with the head of Title IX at BYU Hawaii. There better be some amazing explanations for this. They are spending millions on remodeling buildings that were just fine already so there’s no way I’m going to believe that they are out of money. Plus if money is the concern, avoiding a lawsuit is a great way to save money, mm?
Moving on when I relapsed I called my guyfriend Kindle over and I gave him my “tools” and he just hugged me. I got snot all over his shirt and I cried for like half an hour and I listened to him.
One of the most unfortunate effects of having chemical and hormonal imbalances that make up my mental illnesses is that I am struggling to connect to people. And even more so is that I feel like an alien. In therapy they called me the unicorn. I’m a mythical, amazing, beautiful creature, but that means two things. 1 is that I’m extremely rare 2 is that people do not understand me 3 people want to kill me for my mystical powers.
I told Kindle I feel like I’m doing a horrible job and I hate myself and I’m so tired and sick of this- and adding to the context of all this drama I had a “blessing” and I was told my issues could persist for a long, long time. Now when you were raised to believe that a man with his hands on your head can speak as the mouthpiece of God, and he tells you you could be broken, anorexic, and mentally ill for your entire life- how crushed are you going to be? I was crushed to my soul because what gets me past the self harm is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. To have “the voice of God” say I’m going to have to live with this brokenness for a much longer time was damning. It made me feel like none of my efforts even matter any more.
Kindle is probably one of the best men I have ever known. He has stuck through this with me and I can talk to him. He is a hard worker. He is smart. He treats women so well. Like I actually told him that in my mind he is an example of one of the best men I know. I told him I felt so alone because the other girls my age don’t talk about stuff like this. They’re getting married which in my head equates to happily ever after- and here I am broken and emotionally bleeding out and labelled as crazy and just trying to fit the pieces back together. I don’t fit into the church. I don’t fit in at school. I don’t even fit in in my own family because I left the church. And it upsets me! And he said I cannot even compare myself to other girls my age. That as far as life goes I’m in my own class and that most girls couldn’t handle 1/10th of these challenges.
I knew you’d like him. I need to write about him more often because he is seriously that amazing. He didn’t even care that I got tears and monster snot all over his shirt. A+.
Everyone needs a friend like that. But after Christmas he leaves for Jerusalem and if I’m being honest I am going to miss him so much. I don’t appreciate him half as much as he deserves- he doesn’t care, but I do. My gosh.
I have been having so much flashbacks and issues too. I’m anorexic on autopilot and I have no idea how my eating is. I take pictures but I don’t look at them afterwards because it’s too distressing.
I’m making it a point not to ask “can I even do this” because I fell behind in Samoan and my Linguistics Class.
If you knew everything that happened this last week- and no I didn’t even touch on everything that went down but I think if you watch this trailer it gives you maybe a touch of it Secret Life of the American Teenager in 5 Minutes
Also this trailer
Don’t wish me luck. Wish me a miracle.