I did some thinking today. Maybe that surprises you since I’m always saying things like “I feel like a penguin because it’s so cold. Oh wait, if I was a penguin I wouldn’t be cold” (that was to my guyfriend $$money$$ and I was tired) but I DO have a brain somewhere underneath all that Mahana you ugly hair.
It stings a lot when I go on Facebook or Instagram and see my friends getting married or falling in love or going to Europe. I spend a lot of time trying to be grateful for what I have but it’s not made easy by Instagram sighhh…
I think it’s also because I feel so alone. I seriously have the urge to tacklehug all of my guyfriends next time I see them and crush them. Not because I’m into S&M but because to me I just want to hold on so tight to them because a week or two ago. I had a knife. I had been cutting. I normally don’t keep knives in the house except for the one I use for cooking because it’s easier not to get caught and 51-50ed if you use, say, scissors. But I had a nasty jellyfish sting and there were barbs caught in my shoulder and if you’ve ever self-harmed you know that cutting into yourself to clean up a wound isn’t repulsive, it’s actually a pleasant turn-on. And I was feeling no urges and I hadn’t lapsed in a few months so I thought I could handle it and be “normal” about having a utility knife.
But what is so easy to forget about addiction to self-harm and addiction is that you hit a plateau when the same cuts you did last week don’t bring the same high this week and you need something harder.
I had the opportunity. I had the craving. I was sufficiently confused and in pain. In fact I had every factor for a relapse/attempt that there is.
But I didn’t.
Today I spent hours at the beach and I played peekaboo with a sea turtle. I made a delicious homemade pizza. I ate Cheerios and before you ask why that is a majorly important event I am a firm believer in Cheerios. Logic: if I eat Cheerios I will be happier and therefore have a better day. I also believe in unicorns. ^_^ I actually hugged Chaching, my guyfriend. And he was warm and he actually accepted my hug. He wasn’t KT but I actually connected to someone. I actually got a hug.
I would have had none of that if I had made the wrong call two weeks ago.
I remember part of the relapse was that when I was 17 I had planned to go on a mission after I turned 19. Just the contrast between what I had envisioned for myself and where I am right now was nearly enough to push me over the edge. I felt so much grief and loss for what I had wanted so badly to have at this mark of about to turn 20. Be happy. Do the right thing. Go on a mission for the Lord.
That’s not the mission He called me to, though.
I have lost so much and yet I have so much. And I am not the person I thought I would be. I am not at all where I thought I would be. I’m in Hawaii which is way awesome.
I may not be active in “the church” right now. But I am a firm believer in love. I am a firm believer that there is a God. I am a firm believer in having courage to stand up for yourself when something wrong is being done. I am a firm believer in the little things like watching Winnie the Pooh on a Blustery Day when it rains or dressing up from a different culture and doing your daily errands dressed as whatever you want. I believe watching sea turtles in the surf can change you life. I believe you can get through anything as long as your heart is big enough. I am a firm believer in not giving up. I am a firm believer of trying your hardest to make your dreams happen. ❤
I believe in wearing tiaras to school. I believe in lifelong friendships. I believe in being loyal to oneself and those you love. I believe in telling the truth. I believe in second chances, miracles, and angels. I am a firm believer that nothing you do in this life will ever matter more than how you treated others. I believe in kindness. I believe the life of every person in this world is priceless and it is so sad to watch us hurt and kill each other. I believe in a God who cares.
And as I said before I am a firm believer in Cheerios.
People who are resilient and handle battle after battle without being beat down, is that those people are the ones who know deep down that this is exactly where they are supposed to be. They are okay with having flaws. They are okay with not having all the answers.
Three truths that can get you through anything is 1) there is always something more important than what you previously valued and 2) Everything will work out. And 3) For better or worse, it’s okay to be where you’re at.
And I included this video because I listen to it while I think about this. It’s a Christian style song reflecting a dialogue between Joseph of Egypt and God and I have some great advice for you, if it offends you, don’t click on it, kay? 🙂 ^_^
And as for another truth that I know of is that there is a God. Whether it is as the Christians see it or as Hawaiians or Samoans or Hindus or Buddhists or anyone sees it, there is a greater power in our lives as well as angels both of kindness and malice. If you do have beliefs in that greater power and you’re feeling faithless, you don’t need to force yourself to believe. Just open a small room in your heart for the possibility to believe and that’s enough. Not everyone follows the same path to God. Not everyone needs the same religion in order to be happy in this life. We people are all different so just open a little room to believe and I guarantee, someday, you will find that space to be filled.
Do not let others dictate to you how your relationship with God should be. Remind yourself that it is between you and God first and if your judgment is leading you into danger, then you can ask for the advice of those you trust to lead you back. But do not deny yourself your own truth. Take that to the office on Monday lol.