How the Queen Deals with Traitors and Backstabbers

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centipede

Twas the night of my birthday and all through the house

A creature was creeping, quiet as a mouse

He crawled over my legs, through my blankets, silent as a shadow

Lightning struck and I awoke instantly, threw off the covers, and found the bite of the vampire sending shocks of pain through my whole body.

I threw my bedding to the side to find the little brute, swearing like a sailor

Like lightning he moved thither and thither, evading my attempts to administer holy justice to the disturber of my kingdom

I seized my only weapon, a slippah, in my hand, and whacked it flat viciously five times.

He flipped over in the throes of death. Or so I thought.

I felt venom coursing through my veins like shocks of lightning and fire interspersed with aching pain as my veins swelled

I felt it move down my hand and slowly down my forearm. Then as it just passed my elbow I saw that the centipede of the devil had

Flipped. Over.

I ran to the side of the room and took up my slippah and when I realized he was only stunned I found my lighter.

I set fire to a paper and section by section, burned him alive

But yet, he twitched

So I decapitated him in the name of the Queen and disposed of the evidence outside.

But the saga was not over yet.

So yeah night of my birthday I got half an hour of sleep because the pain was excruciating. I rate centipede bites at a 10/10 for sheer excruciating agony. The swelling started out not too badly the first day and then went all the way down to my elbow and my fingers were so swollen I could no longer move them. I had to recruit a manslave- I mean guyfriend- to write my homework for me.

Meanwhile it was my birthday lol. I’ll get back to that.

Anyways so two days later I went to see the doctor and I got DRUGS man. Painkillers steroids, antibiotics, and a tetanus shot. I also saw Aunty Selu in Tongan village who specializes in traditional healing. So note if you get bit by a centipede first thing you do besides killing the little thug is to squeeze out/bleed out the venom as soon as you can to reduce the possibility of swelling. Then you can wash it with vinegar or use an onion or rubbing alcohol, or soap with antiseptic in it ASAP because centipedes are nasty lil carrion creepers who spend a lot of time in the dirt.

Then you can get a friend to pee on it. And believe me I had some offers when I finally showed the Tongans. Somehow, I resisted their invitation to “help”. Somehow…

Anyways so apparently size matters and if you’re allergic, like me, it can be very very nasty. It causes swelling, tissue death, and sometimes a fever. Lucky me, I got all three. And I got bit by the nastiest type we have here on the island. Yep.

As far as natural remedies go you can rub aloe vera on it straight from the plant or soak it in epsom salt and hot water. You can also ice it. Or you can take baby leaves from the noni and the kava plant and rub it all over to reduce the swelling and the stinging.

The Western methods of handling centipede bites? Ibuprofen for the swelling and the fever and steroids for the swelling and antibiotics because centipedes carry nasty little diseases and bacteria. Oh and also a tetanus shot.

I guess the good news about the shot is that it lasts for 10 years so unless I get pregnant and heck no is that happening for a LONG time if ever I don’t have to get another one for 10 years 🙂 🙂 ^-^

My dad when he gets a shot he blacks out. My older sister blacks out if she even hears about getting a shot. My little sister also faints. I used to cry a ton and have a ton of anxiety over it but funny story the fact that I’m addicted to self-harm got rid of that. And also the rest of my life helped since when I saw the local nurse prepare the shot I was just like “okay. Welcome to my life.” And had no problem with it. Heck. I could probably watch.

Funny story one time my little sister and I had to get blood tests at the same time. I was getting one to check my vitamin D and what not so basically a full blood sample spectrum which FYI takes a lot of little phials and rather a long time trying to pretend there is not a needle in your arm. So my little sister went first and they had to stick her like three or four times so of course she had to lay down and nearly passed out and then while she was over there lying like an invalid with her little blood sample already drawn, I took my turn in the chair.

And I started LAUGHING because my little sister’s reaction was so “tragical” and I am also weird in the sense that I do laugh when I experience pain. Basically if you want to live through my life you have to have a really, really ticklish sense of humor and be slightly masochistic. I also get super polite to the nurse or doctor who is drawing the blood. I ask them how their dog is or I start asking “So about how long are you going to leave that in there? I’m not trying to be a pill or anything, but it is rather uncomfortable for you to be sucking my blood out. Also do you enjoy being a vampire?”

Do NOT laugh when you are getting a blood test. Do NOT.

Also when they can’t find the vein I usually say “If you don’t mind I would really appreciate you to find my vein this time.”

So my little sister was over there pulling a Mrs. Bennet and I was laughing at her the whole time.

In other words I need serious help.

I think I’m going to write a separate post for my birthday because this was taxing to write about especially since my hand is still swollen up like a melon. It’s actually kind of nice when it’s not throbbing because it makes a nice little pillow and it’s warm so I can put it on my cheeks when they get cold. And I can ACTUALLY type today. YES! Yesterday my poor little fingers. They said if the swelling didn’t go down and I lost circulation in my fingers they would have to slice the back of my hand open.

HA. Those suckers didn’t count on Aunty Selu! She massaged the circulation back into them and then with the combination of the Western drugs and the aloe vera and hot water I can finally move them! BWAHAHAA

Also people say to ice it for the swelling but I had more success with very hot water. It is painful, but if you think about it, hot water stimulates circulation and blood flow, so if you are trying to get poison to cycle through it is kind of useful for the blood to flow. And final note back home there are scorpions and rattlesnakes and recent development to our first aid with such beasties is that you do NOT tourniquet a bitten area because the tissue death will become isolated in the bite area and damage it far worse than it would it the venom was not corralled into the area. Your best bet is to catch the beasty or at least nab a picture so the doctors know what bit you, and hightail it like a jackrabbit to the nearest hospital.

Also rattlesnake heads can still bite you after you chop them off so DON’T save that trophy bruh. I remember reading about the dumbest white kids from Utah doing that and being like “OMG IT BIT ME AFTER I CUT IT’S HEAD OFF”

Bruh. Read the pamphlets they give you or use Siri. Don’t go out in the desert unprepared. Bring your water. Wear your sunscreen. And go armed against our various beasties.

Man, my friend Kava just was in Arizona and managed to come back without a single rattlesnake bite. Too bad. Supposedly after you get bit by a rattlesnake mosquitos won’t drink your blood anymore.

Also the Tongans told me they don’t sell up when they get bitten. At all. Not mosquitos or centipedes or jellyfish.

In other words I think I need to go home to my rattlesnakes because it’s better to be with the beasties you know than the creepy-crawlers you don’t.

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