Bad Apple

I met someone today. Well technically I met him a week or two ago. AHEM.

You may have noticed that above I shared a video of the witch offering Snow White the poisoned apple. Coincidences do not exist.

My conversation with this guy? Doesn’t even ask me what my name is.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

And because I have had this conversation with too many Polynesian men to count I rolled my eyes and I was like

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Because you’re too cute to not have a boyfriend.”

“For your information, boys are too much drama. I assure you, I have plenty of drama just on my own and adding a man to it tcchhh no thank you.”

“I’m just saying. Are you married then?”

“What? Look, do you see a ring here? No ocupado.”

“Well I just figured since you’re so cute there had to be someone.”

“Well you were wrong and you’re annoying me.”

“How am I annoying you?”

“I get asked all these questions all the time.”

And then we get into a discussion about apples and bananas. It all starts with one of the older men who was supposed to, idk, grow up starts out with

“Oh but don’t you know she has a Samoan boyfriend?”

“I DO NOT.”

“OH then why you always go over to their village?”

“Because they feed me!”

“We have bananas too, right there! What, you think the Samoan banana is better?”

(If my father heard any of this conversation he’d label me as a slut but it takes two to tango padre and these men were asking for it)

“Well I’ve never had Tongan banana so yeah, I like the Samoans better. So there.” And I stuck my tongue out at him

“The Samoan bananas are small, though, what you need is a nice big one. Just the right size.” Newbie said (I just named him that deal with it)

“I’m good just the way I am. I don’t need bigger bananas.” I said

“Oh but bigger is better.” Newbie

And my other Tongan friend walked up behind me “Ty, they’re teasing me again!”

“Oh it’s okay.” And he put a hand on my shoulder “They’re just playing.”

Time passes between these two conversations but here is the deal. I am moving AGAIN for the SEVENTH TIME THIS YEAR KAY so I was trying to get rid of my food and I had way too many apples. So the guys always ask me for food anyways and that day I happened to have an apple.

“Do you have food?”

“I got an apple.”

Image result for gif of a guy sexy face
Oh, I wanna bite your apple mmm

 

“If you’re talking about the one in my bag, sure. I’ve got like six more at home that I’m trying to give away because I’m moving again in a few weeks.”

“I want to bite the seventh apple.”

“Ha. Ha. That one’s not available.”

But despite the strongly sexual overtones of this conversation I did learn something from this guy about how players work. I’ve gotten more experienced with men not just with jerks who used me but also with jerks who didn’t use me and told me some tricks of the trade.

Something I didn’t realize before is that my talking about the rape actually protected me from 99.9% of the guys who would have used that against me. See Polynesian men culturally don’t really hear the word no very well and according to the white girl gossip chain, Tongan men use too much tongue. If any of my boys ever read this, no, I don’t have practical experience here but enough of the girls complain to me about it so change your ways and you’ll score.

Basically what I found out from Newbie is that guys do have a sense of who plays the game in relationships, and who doesn’t. And if they just want to play around, they won’t date a girl who is like that. See it’s kind of counterintuitive. They feel really good about themselves for breaking a girls heart (some of these men are scum) it ups their status in the guy community if a nameless faceless almost unknown white girl gets her heart broken. On the other hand if it was say, me, someone who almost the whole community knows and who has a lot of guyfriends, they would not be happy with him and his status would go down.

White girls are pretty shut out of the Polynesian community here at my school. I am sorry, but it’s true. The only people more closed off than the Tongans and Samoans are the Asians. The Asians here will barely even look at a white person and I have never seen a white person and an Asian person so much as walk to class together and talk. I know of only one exception and he’s marrying a Japanese girl and he served an LDS mission in Japan.

So the significance here is that the white girls are not in the know on who is a player and who is a good guy. And these guys can string along 4 or 5 white girls because they can say they are single and get away with it. In their eyes you are single until you are married, regardless of if you have a girlfriend or not so really I think a lot of the time the guys don’t consciously crush hearts. I think the dating culture is very different and I think people get hurt on both sides because it’s very hard to get educated about it. Tongans do not really talk about it seriously and let me tell you I found out because my friends are M-A-L-E and for instance they would find me crying or upset because a guy was bothering me and THEN they would sit down and explain or they would say something about what a jackass he was and make me laugh.

People are not accustomed to questioning their culture. Us Americans? Heck no. Not the white ones. We assume we don’t have one. OH YES WE DO.

For instance this guy in the way he talked to me. That was our first encounter. He is a member of the church as am I, which technically means that conversation should not have happened. And and AND if he has a girlfriend which they ALL DO. DON’T BELIEVE THEM WHEN THEY SAY THEY DON’T THESE BOYS PEPELO THEY LIE THEY ALL GOT A GIRL IN THEIR DM’S. In our culture that means his talking to me like that at all means he is cheating.

Now if it’s a Tongan girl or heck any girl at my school, they would all agree on that. That’s girl code. But did you notice in that conversation there were other men standing there who had nooo problem with what he was saying to me? And usually, they know he’s got a girl because he will talk to them (the younger ones because his aunties and uncles would give him a sasa and tell on him if they knew) and they will still stand there and keep the joke running.

From what I learned is that these guys honestly don’t intend to hurt girls as bad as they do. It kind of gives them a kick to know someone cared about them enough that it hurt them when they tricked them (which in my opinion just shows you’re a weakass man, more on that in the next paragraph) but they aren’t all out to hurt women at all. They just forget to show respect.

In my mind when someone wants a relationship with you and they’re respectful about it and you two get to be more intimate, once you are bonded with them, that’s a sacred space. You been to a Buddhist temple? That’s the type of reverence you should have for the other person. At the very least if you didn’t come to worship you don’t blow a foghorn and then bring the place crashing down. You enter, you leave, but your presence is always remembered there and you have to remember that. Think of it like the shadow of yourself on a white stone wall of the temple moving and flitting across the space. You leave a mark whether you meant to or not so maybe think about what mark you are going to leave before you hurt them.

But here is something else. Our first encounter was over a week ago and I came back and he and Apple were rehearsing dance and I like watching Tongan men dance they look like they actually want to be there and it’s adorable. And it was raining today. I went out for a short run and the rain came tumbling down and I was drenched. I was so glad I didn’t wear my white shirt because I can tell you I would have gotten a full commentary from the panel of men in my life. Also if you want to tell where a man is looking at you, put a hole in your jeans 3/4 up your inner thigh and a small tiny hole on the pocket on the back of your jeans. If he’s looking at certain areas with more than a passing glance, he’s going to zero in on the holes. Which tells you what kind of man you’re dealing with.

So this guy gave me, as I’m standing there dripping wet in the rain in leggings and a long sleeve t-shirt that leaves my collarbones exposed he gives me STRAIGHT UP this is NOT imagined he checked me out! The look down and up with the eye contact and that smile they get when they like what they see.Image result for gif of a guy flirting

HAHHAHAA NNOOOPPPEE he was a tad cuter than that. He’s actually not bad-looking I’m just not “looking” for a guy so I didn’t really notice. He does have good muscle structure on his back though (I’m an artist and I notice these things) and honestly that’s one of the things I look out. It doesn’t turn me on or excite me, I just notice.

Image result for gif of a guy sexy face

And then he SMILES. I read that men have to move their heads when they want to observe all the dimensions of a woman and yes men have a freakin’ superpower for guessing your measurements. My Samoan father guessed my exact waistline measurement one time in inches like OMG WHAT?! I need my guyfriends to come shopping with me now since they have the eye for size. I can save HOURS skipping the dressingroom which means better fit for me, less time in front of those cheap warped mirrors that make me look like Sasquatch in sequins, and more time with my boyz! ❤ ❤ ❤ ^-^ 🙂 🙂

I demoted a guyfriend to peasant this week because he kept texting me telling me you’re beautiful and good morning gorgeous and I told him hey this makes me uncomfortable. My guyfriend KT used to do that and he broke me so bad I can hardly open my heart to guys at all, I keep them very much emotionally at the surface and YES you can tell people deep intimate things about yourself and not give a damn what they think and not care for them at all. Anyways basically I had to tell him hey men who abused me in the past didn’t hear the word no, so when I tell you I’m uncomfortable with this, I need you to respect that boundary because if you don’t I will cut you off because I don’t feel safe with someone who thinks I’m joking and doesn’t respect me when I set a clear boundary with them.

This guy. So he gave me that look and I’m just like “What?” Arms crossed over chest, harrumphing like I don’t care and like I don’t know what that look meant but I do know. When men look at you that way you know exactly what they are assessing- you assets- and if you measure up to someone they could possibly want to hook up with. It has very very little to do with the kind of person you actually are but can you really blame men for having a sex drive? No. It’s what they do with it that counts.

I went home feeling really selfconscious. I have been having fat attacks as per my anorexia nervosa again and I can’t even handle the mirror. And I got some bad news about my health a week ago and I am just depressed and I keep beating myself up.  And I have zero absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. I cannot even.

In my head when a man looks at me like that it means he wants sex. And if he wants sex he wants rape. He doesn’t care if I get hurt. He likes it when I get hurt. I won’t be able to stop him from taking what he wants AND I’ll feel like a total whore if I so much as kiss him. Plus there’s the whole post-traumatic stress disorder all up in here that makes my life all types of dramatic and complicated. If a guy did try to kiss me I imagine that it would be impossible to get him off. Not because I wouldn’t say anything, but because my body completely shuts down and goes on autopilot because I’m too overloaded.

I am very vulnerable when they touch me. As long as their hands are nowhere near me, I don’t have to have feelings for them. But when someone touches me it’s like an instant sensory overload. So if this guy did catch me at a bad time and get his hands on me

GAME OVER

But something else I realized is that whereas I see him as a threat and dangerous, he is just flirting with a pretty girl. Literally. He just thinks I’m attractive so he’s playing around girlfriend or no because it’s fun. And if he is single and he did want to make out, he probably would not see that as hurting me or scaring me, the only context people have who haven’t ever been raped is that it’s either pleasurable or extremely awkward but ahem they are not being held down and forced.

Basically here is the thing. If I were to make out with this guy, for him it would just be having a good time (whether he actually cared about me or not) and a good night. For me it would be terrifying and make me hate myself and remind me of rape and other horrible things. It would scare me and hurt me and confuse me. I might enjoy the sensations in the moment but I also might be so upset with myself that I’d feel like a whore and carry the guilt for years.

Truth be told I do feel like a whore for what happened to me and some things I’ve done, despite the fact that in each situation the man didn’t hear the word no and didn’t respect boundaries, and did take advantage of me, I do still feel ashamed of myself.

For some reason I was raised with this idea that even kissing a guy marks you as his. It’s like a stain on you that you can never get out all the way. When he touches your body or kisses you

GAME OVER

You’re “dirty” forever from being touched by a man you aren’t married to. I can’t change that overnight. I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for 20 years. I don’t think I was taught all the doctrine of the church correctly, especially pertaining to chastity and worth. I think individual members of the church and my family grilled this into me and the rapes reinforced it.

Now this doesn’t mean I’m going to fall for Newbie or that I’m going to put up with his BS because let me tell you I have many, many words to say about men and one of my phrases is “I’m not your bitch.” And yes it’s harsh but the point is I have been used by men, hit by men, tortured by men, downtrodden by men (and of course I got beef with a lot of women too) and basically right now because of how much pain and suffering I get to deal with because of just  a handful of bad men, I don’t have any interest in the SLIGHTEST of being a victim again.

I think my next steps are going to be learning how to enjoy kissing or whatever on my terms. I just really struggle because I do stereotype guys and I trust none of them. Sometimes I get so desperate for cuddling though that I just stay awake all night trying to numb out and try not to cut or cry or do anything stupid and I wish I could just die because it hurts so badly. Starving to death physically is way way easier than starving to death for connection and physical touch. 😦

It’s not like I don’t get offers for sex. It surprises me, yes, because I don’t see myself as sexy. And that’s because I’m not into sex at all. You don’t see what you don’t look for and I do not see what they find attractive besides the fact that it’s just another woman in the lineup they can use as their f-toy and discard. But about those offers sometimes I am *this* close to taking them up on it not because I actually want to have sex but because I want to feel close to someone. I want to be cuddled! I want to be touched and just be with someone!

You think you’re lonely? Try mental illness on for size. Oh or your dog dying or your best friend leaving and your other best friend dying and then add in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder which literally breaks your ability to connect with and trust others. I am surrounded by love and connection just like I am surrounded by food but just like with my anorexia, something holds me back from being able to partake even enough to survive.

I think I may have figured part of that out though, what holds me back from my life goals and keeps me buckled in. I’m not afraid of failure, really. Failure is just a step and I hate it but I do always rebound. No. I think what I am afraid of, is my own potential.

Leiblings please put your heads on that thought because I need to try to sleep tonight because I have not been sleeping at all for weeks unless I swallow a pill that knocks me out for 14 hours and I need to save those for the weekends. Just think about it. Think about who you could actually be if you were less afraid. Love ❤

 

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