You ever seen a telenovela slap?
I feel like I know someone who needs one.
Namely pretty much every man in my life right now.
Also disclaimer if you are an innocent who doesn’t like words referring to male anatomy or slang language this post isn’t for you, it is pretty raw. There. I warned you. Have fun. 😉
If you have been reading this blog, you know I am pretty much up to my ears in 2 things: medical bills, and men. I call it M&M. Men are the origin of my medical problems, as well as part of the cure, so they have to be together. I am afraid of men because I was sexually tortured and abused for over 9 years, this fear causes severe problems with my emotions, sex drive, hormones, physical health, and also caused several severe mental illnesses that are- say it with me- man-related. And besides all the medical bills guess what if I want to recover from rape at SOME POINT I have to get over my man-hatin’ ways (Yes I have an accent and yes I am going to write as if this were dialogue because if you wanted a sonnet, Shakespeare is a kindle click away). Now this does not mean I have to marry one, I just want to be empowered to the point that I don’t flinch every time a man comes up behind me or raises his hand and HECK if I ever do want to kiss one, let’s not throw up, shall we?
Now let’s go to the M part and if you are tired of reading man posts well see above M&M and let us face it humanity is always looking for answers about the other sex or sexes out there. We have been wired to look for that for thousands of years for the survival of our species so AHEM that didn’t go away folks! And if I were ever to write a book about understanding women it would be all blank pages except for one in the middle that said “Ha. Women are goddesses. We want to be worshipped, not understood.” But of course the publishing company would never go for it. Too close to the mark.
Newbie and I had another go today. Now. You need to remember when I think of a man- particularly his anatomy, picture a knife in that same spot and you will have about the same reaction as I do. For me a man touching me anywhere- a trap. A man being sweet to me- a trap. A man showing sexual interest- rapist killer.
Sorry my peeps but I am conditioned to respond to men who act sexually towards me as if Lucifer himself popped out of a hole and offered me life insurance. If I had a sig sauer (which I discovered from my last visit to the local police department is my favorite handgun it is sooo sexxyy) KAPOW! I’d blow you to kingdom come. If I was a ninja you’d be dead before you could blink. If I wasn’t trying to stay in college I’d break my hand beatin’ yo ass.
IN other words men: don’t do it! I don’t respond well to someone walking up behind me and slapping my ass. That ain’t your property. I ain’t your property. You ain’t got no chance at this booty not even in your dreams. Cat-calling, flirting in person, stalking at the gym… Heck if I been single since I was born, and men been pulling that kind of tricks since I was what 15, what makes you think it’s gonna work this time?! I said this before dicks are a dime a dozen what I care about is the man attached to it! I don’t care so much what he looks like I look at men without the element of ohh could he give me great sex I look at them as colleagues or friends or brothers or troublemakers or bad guys. Those are my categories.
Of course I am the Queen so really I just sort them out like this.
Captain of the Guard :that’s the lover/boyfriend position which will remain vacant until I stop being such a biyatch to guys who flirt with me. Plus how sexy is that pairing, the Queen having a secret affair with the strong uber handsome captain of all her hot man-soldiers mmmm so hot.
The Butler: who is the most reliable guyfriend in the lineup. Typically my male best friend. Kindle my best best guyfriend ever currently occupies this position. Imagine a rider of Rohan from Lord of the Rings with a good haircut and that’s my butler Kindle.
The Manservants: My guyfriends fall into this category.
My female friend is a Duchess, BTW, because ladies in waiting are too servile and in my mind the men are the ones who should be more servile. I spent half my life being tortured and hurt and shamed into serving men so there’s my angle on that and why my fantasy doesn’t put any of them with authority over me. I been whipped enough times, kay? . Anyways this girlfriend is awesome. She’s nice and she’s introverted but really clever. She works as a baker. I wrote before about not liking her (we used to live in the same house because she kept moving my things and was friends with a girl I had an argument with, but since then the dam broke and I’m not quite sure how it happened but we’re really good friends now. Actually I think last time I was in the hospital for chest pain I came home and had a total breakdown and turns out she was really cool. AND SHE’S STILL AROUND PEOPLE APPLAUD SHE TOLERATES MY DRAMA. I really care about her a lot tbh. My other two female friends are simply Ladies I think because I don’t feel as intimate with either of them.
And then the last two categories.
The Peasants: guyfriends who lost their mancard. (you get 2 mancards for being in the military. You lose a mancard for disrespecting a woman or doing something incredibly stupid or both. For instance, buying your girlfriend a thighmaster for Christmas if she ain’t a bodybuilder.) So these are the ones who seriously screwed up and offended me. I may seem like a spitfire when I’m writing but typically I am mellow and forgiving of human behavior in real life as you will see below. Typically these guys crossed a boundary or violated my trust and got me hurt or humiliated. Sometimes these guys can get promoted back to manservant but it isn’t common for that to happen. It takes a while for me to cool off. And the last category is
The Rabble. This is for everyone else, particularly shallow, conceited teenage girls who have nothing better to do than gossip and make trouble for me. This is also for slutboys.
I should have a shirt that says this but seriously in all caps boys, F*** OFF
Back to today Newbie. So he was flirting. Pretty heavy flirting. I don’t know what guys expect you to do in this situation but maybe you’re smarter than me and can figure it out.
Scenario: I have caramel chocolates my dad and I made from Christmas when I visited home. I am offering them to my buddy Ben, and Newbie.
Newbie is wearing a ta’ovala which is the Tongan way of hiding their wishpacks. No it’s traditional and represents a tie to the land but for our purposes today and for my enjoyment (sarcasm is my favorite form of entertainment) it is a band wrapped around the waist to hide what they don’t want you to see. Picture below. Not of him but of the ta’ovala HA you will never find out who this man is BWAHAHHAHAA EVIL AUTHOR LAUGH
I took advil because I am on my period and it turns off my judgment button. (yes, I have one.) I have always been that way with Advil. Whenever I take it that little voice in my head that says “You probably shouldn’t” packs it’s bags and hits Borabora, leaving me saying WHATEVER I am THINKING and that is NOOTTT a good thing. I am hyper as a squirrel, sarcastic, and I notice strange things and I am very curious about pretty much everything. When I am on Advil I will walk into a police station and ask them if I can go for a ride in an armored car.
Also fun fact the reason police get stereotyped with doughnuts is because they work 24/7 right? Well when they used to file reports back in the day, the only place that had coffee and was open that late was the doughnut shops.
It all makes sense now.
Situation: SO this guy doesn’t just take one caramel. He takes a handful and he puts them in his ta’ovala to hide them so he can have them one at a time. Then he holds out one right in front of my mouth offering it to me out of his hand.
I am not a baby bird!
Situation: He is getting way too close to me and shows me the chocolates in his ta’ovala
Situation: He POKED my tummy! Insolent peasant! And I said “Bruh. I work out, don’t break your hand.” And so he said “Show me your abs.” And I said “$5. I only strip if I get paid.” He holds out a chocolate caramel like somehow that is going to change my mind and I say “Nope that doesn’t count.” So he puts it back and then his hand reaches down and plays with the hem of my shirt like he’s going to pull it up the rest of the way. I back up and say no.
Ladies have you ever talked to a man and realized that he doesn’t hear a word you are saying because he’s imagining you naked?
We really need to train them better.
Situation: We are talking about looks and he says he is fat and I say fine. You and my buddy Sio we are gonna hit up the gym and do my workout. And he says “No I don’t work out. I just eat.” “You know that’s not the same thing, right?” “You know what my grandpa told me?” “What?” “He told me it doesn’t matter what a man looks like except for one thing.”
I already knew where this was going but I pretended not to because I wanted to have a ray of hope for this boy to amount to more than what he’s been so far. Salacious little flirt. Pffft.
He looks down at *that* area and says “He just has to have a big one. Then nothing else matters.”
“This may come as a surprise to you but I don’t look at that on a man. My guyfriends size up each other and tell me the results but I don’t care.”
He holds up a pinky “What, so your boyfriend has a small one?”
“A1 I don’t got a boyfriend. Besides I told you I don’t look because I don’t care.”
And he reaches out for more caramels (by that point he has tried to give me one from his hand what 3 times) AND THEN he looks at me than says
“You got any men you like right now?”
“Nope. Absolutely none.”
I turned down getting my sexy on with a Samoan bodybuilder, people. I think there are so many women dying to have my life but ladies these men are drama queens trust me don’t let them get your heart. They catch you there, you lose. It rarely works out.
So then he says and he looks from his *little friend* to me and says
“Well if you ever want to check out a Tongan, call me.”
And we can put there right up with my guyfriend Sio today acting really strange when I showed up. He was flexing his muscles (actually not unusual) and being really unusually showy. To the point it was like whoa boy what did they feed you at the village today cause obviously someone gave you too much Cheerios this morning.
And he had a hard on. Lavalavas are a very convenient thing for guys but he still put his hand down there to try to fix the fold.
It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your…
My goodness. But here’s what the point was about normal. These guys are most likely not rapists and if they are into that style, they are most likely not as sadistic as the rapist. They just think it’s cute when the girl says no and kind of fights back. They don’t think they might actually be scaring her or that forcing her will hurt her. Men generally have a penis, not a vagina. Vaginas tear and scar and have serious repercussions from things like trauma and forced entry. The run-of-the-mill guy probably has no experience with something like sex tearing his penis. It’s just not the same as it is for the woman.
These guys are being MEN. They are playing. Most likely no intention of actually hurting me. They are just thinking about being sexual, which is NORMAL. ABSOLUTELY NORMAL.
I’ll try to remember that but if he ever tries to grab my ass everybody put your hands together and pray to the Lord because Imma end this fool.