So I don’t have much time today and I am going to preface by saying I did a super cute ballerina bun hairstyle today despite the fact that I haven’t had any good sleep for the past month and a half and last night was particularly bad. Seriously. I think there is a mystical correlation here. The harder life gets, the cuter I look.
And I had it happen again. Me being so anxious and hypervigilant I was absolutely not able to stay focused on my schoolwork and then getting super depressed and angry. And I see two of my guyfriends and they smile so big and they’re like “Long time no see!”
I always assumed that when I’m angry people can tell just by my “aura” and they’ll avoid me but I’m starting to worry I do have the resting bitch face and people who talk to me are just used to it.
Yesterday I skipped church because I took a sleeping pill and it turns out it does not fix nightmares so I woke up almost 6 times in 10 hours and had plenty of nightmares about losing my scholarship, hospitals, my ex-guyfriend showing up and detailing to me why I’m so screwed up I can’t be friends with him. And the other reason I was so agitated besides me trying to figure out where I’m going to get all the money and everything figured out for this service dog I want to bring into my life- you guessed it. It’s a boy. My problems are all M&M remember? Men and medical. Men are part of getting over my stuff, but men are also my problem.
This one is a problem because he’s nice. He’s a problem because he texts me sweet things and checks up on me and happens to show up and check in when I’m having a bad day.
You know most girls say they want a guy that can read their mind?
See there is something to be said for the fact that my entire life I have gotten hurt, beat down, and humiliated, any time I showed weakness or vulnerability. So naturally a man that sees that in me and LETS ME KNOW he sees it is like a giant sign flashing RUN. I do not want people to see the extent of how damaged I am right now or how deep my pain is.
I lay in bed at night for at least 3 hours feeling so depressed even my heartbeat hurts, and sometimes I just lay there and cry because I’m broke down, tired, lonely, and my mind won’t stop doing this.
Of course, having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I can’t really prevent that. Particularly when I’m tired and alone in the dark at night. My over-achieving brain also achieves this phenomenon called AVOIDANCE. I prefer to call it “extreme over-achieving” because it means my brain doesn’t stop. This is a 24 hour on the clock brain.Do you really think I want anyone seeing me like that? Do you really think I want to feel feelings right now? NO.
Anyways as far as trust goes right now, I have none. I’m okay with sharing my story. Parts of it. But I feel nothing emotionally for people. Intellectually I know I like you, but as for feeling something? NUP.
And I’m going to write one more post today about one of the last people I actually had an emotional bond with. It’s a love story. It’ll break your life.
You know I’m feeling sadistic today. I am going to write it and you are going to weep.
ASIDES MY DRAMA (also yesterday my fridge decided to spontaneously ice itself until the door wouldn’t close, also I was a total bitch to the Elders Quorum President yesterday- do not walk up to me when I’m having a bad day and introduce your “fiance” cause I do not respond well-, and then I found out there were roaches in all my food, and then I couldn’t sleep) my only good news is that my Hawaiian Studies professor gave me his guitar to use for his class because I’m trying to save my money for the medical bills.
OMG. I know. Only in Hawaii would someone do that. A professor on the mainland would just say “deal with it” and kick you out of the class.
My OTHER GOOD NEWS is I am going to perform with my halau Hui Ho’oulu Aloha for the Moani Ke Ala Festival coming up February 3rd and I will try to get videos for you if I can. I have been dancing hula since September and I have been practicing for 1-3 hours a day for the past month. Here are some pictures.
A note about hula is that every gesture has a meaning and every motion is symbolic so if it’s not juussstt right the kumu throws a slippah at you.
And a note about my bikini top- I have to try to fix my tanlines before the festival. Kumu needs us to look brown. There’s one girl in halau who is blonde and I don’t envy her. I can pass as hapa if I have to, with the right makeup, but there’s no way she could. on that note, here are the pictures.
and one of the hardest moves in hula I have learned so far…