If at First You Don’t Succeed, HUSTLE

So I don’t have much time today and I am going to preface by saying I did a super cute ballerina bun hairstyle today despite the fact that I haven’t had any good sleep for the past month and a half and last night was particularly bad. Seriously. I think there is a mystical correlation here. The harder life gets, the cuter I look.

And I had it happen again. Me being so anxious and hypervigilant I was absolutely not able to stay focused on my schoolwork and then getting super depressed and angry. And I see two of my guyfriends and they smile so big and they’re like “Long time no see!”

I always assumed that when I’m angry people can tell just by my “aura” and they’ll avoid me but I’m starting to worry I do have the resting bitch face and people who talk to me are just used to it.

Yesterday I skipped church because I took a sleeping pill and it turns out it does not fix nightmares so I woke up almost 6 times in 10 hours and had plenty of nightmares about losing my scholarship, hospitals, my ex-guyfriend showing up and detailing to me why I’m so screwed up I can’t be friends with him. And the other reason I was so agitated besides me trying to figure out where I’m going to get all the money and everything figured out for this service dog I want to bring into my life- you guessed it. It’s a boy. My problems are all M&M remember? Men and medical. Men are part of getting over my stuff, but men are also my problem.

This one is a problem because he’s nice. He’s a problem because he texts me sweet things and checks up on me and happens to show up and check in when I’m having a bad day.

You know most girls say they want a guy that can read their mind?

Hell no.

See there is something to be said for the fact that my entire life I have gotten hurt, beat down, and humiliated, any time I showed weakness or vulnerability. So naturally a man that sees that in me and LETS ME KNOW he sees it is like a giant sign flashing RUN. I do not want people to see the extent of how damaged I am right now or how deep my pain is.

I lay in bed at night for at least 3 hours feeling so depressed even my heartbeat hurts, and sometimes I just lay there and cry because I’m broke down, tired, lonely, and my mind won’t stop doing this.

Memes, Suffering, and πŸ€–: me: i need to go to bed
 me to me: stay up thinking about
 sad things and suffer

Of course, having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I can’t really prevent that. Particularly when I’m tired and alone in the dark at night. My over-achieving brain also achieves this phenomenon called AVOIDANCE. I prefer to call it “extreme over-achieving” because it means my brain doesn’t stop. This is a 24 hour on the clock brain.Do you really think I want anyone seeing me like that? Do you really think I want to feel feelings right now? NO.

Anyways as far as trust goes right now, I have none. I’m okay with sharing my story. Parts of it. But I feel nothing emotionally for people. Intellectually I know I like you, but as for feeling something? NUP.

And I’m going to write one more post today about one of the last people I actually had an emotional bond with. It’s a love story. It’ll break your life.

You know I’m feeling sadistic today. I am going to write it and you are going to weep.

ASIDES MY DRAMA (also yesterday my fridge decided to spontaneously ice itself until the door wouldn’t close, also I was a total bitch to the Elders Quorum President yesterday- do not walk up to me when I’m having a bad day and introduce your “fiance” cause I do not respond well-, and then I found out there were roaches in all my food, and then I couldn’t sleep) my only good news is that my Hawaiian Studies professor gave me his guitar to use for his class because I’m trying to save my money for the medical bills.

OMG. I know. Only in Hawaii would someone do that. A professor on the mainland would just say “deal with it” and kick you out of the class.

My OTHER GOOD NEWS is I am going to perform with my halau Hui Ho’oulu Aloha for the Moani Ke Ala Festival coming up February 3rd and I will try to get videos for you if I can. I have been dancing hula since September and I have been practicing for 1-3 hours a day for the past month. Here are some pictures.

A note about hula is that every gesture has a meaning and every motion is symbolic so if it’s not juussstt right the kumu throws a slippah at you.

And a note about my bikini top- I have to try to fix my tanlines before the festival. Kumu needs us to look brown. There’s one girl in halau who is blonde and I don’t envy her. I can pass as hapa if I have to, with the right makeup, but there’s no way she could. on that note, here are the pictures.

and one of the hardest moves in hula I have learned so far…

Screenshot_20180120-173110

4 comments

  1. Yep, you’re right, laugh with you and cry with you type of blog for sure. sounds so shitty, i’m sorry. love that i feel closer to people i “meet” on the internet (i.e. read their blogs) than most people in real life. hula sounds like a really helpful ED-recovery way to exercise though! i’m wondering why did your professor give you his guitar..? Did i miss something lol

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    • It’s okay to comment lol.I have a Hawaiian studies music history class and he incorporates learning the guitar the Hawaiian way (they tune the guitar a special way). But he didn’t tell us to get a guitar until the first day of class and then he said “by Friday have it” and I couldn’t get one in time. Plus I was all over the island that week getting paperwork. Plus medical bills. So yeah now I have a free guitar to use for class. 😊
      It’s sweet that you like my blog. I really want people to identify with it and feel like they are not as alone as they think. ❀ mahalo for commenting.

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    • Also yes. Hula has been awesome. I used to be a long distance runner and play tennis but my therapists recommended more mindful exercise. Hula fits that bill and I am very passionate about dance. πŸ˜‡

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      • Oh wow! that’s awesome! And yeah, i went from cycling/running to practising yoga during AN recovery and it was the best thing for me. It’s a good distraction from all the other shit too haha

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