I’m a Goddess But I Can’t Do Math

I’m a goddess but I can’t do math.

Math is for mortals.

I hate my medication. Do you know how many tabs I have up on this thing? 11. And I’m doing 4 homework assignments at the same time. And blogging. And catching up on my shows- I happen to watch 3 or 4 at a time because I prefer to be polyamorous, while also reading up on the political structure of the island kingdom of Tonga. Dannnggg girl.

My morning was that I had a total breakdown and confided my stuff to a roommate. Now. I know in my head that that’s not a wise thing to do all the time I’ve only known her like a month. But I have been sleep-deprived for 2 1/2 years. I’m on a medication that impairs my focus. My memory is not great. I’m tired, I’m exhausted. I never sleep. And I deal with all the BS that follows when a girl decides you after her man. Which, I’m not.

What I decided to do with this blog post is to not try to put my thoughts in order like I usually do, we are doing the writing technique called flow of consciousness. Because this blog is about being real, you’re experiencing my thought patterns right now in realtime. Enjoy the ride. Or rather, don’t.

On top of my hula festival THIS WEEKEND and me coming down sick UNPLANNED and NOT GETTING ANY SLEEP I’m ALSO already failing my math class. Like I already struggle with self-esteem on a daily basis, and then I sit in front of a problem about APR’s and I turn into a madwoman.

Yeah so someone nearly got honor coded at the math lab yesterday because I was just sitting there staring at the screen, drumming my fingers on the table and reciting a mantra of IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouwhyisthissohardIwanttodie



And swearing like a sailor under my breath as I futilely tried to do math.

That’s the truth right there. I can do the homework, and I can do math when I sit down with someone and talk to them about getting the answer. The person showing me will be like “Oh you just add this to this.”

but then because my life is complicated- and if you missed it, literally, ramen just got complicated. My favorite flavor ramen decided that instead of boiling the seasoning with the noodles like the other 99.9% this ramen wants to start a new age of Enlightenment and have you mix the seasoning in a. Separate. Bowl. And then add the noodles which you boiled separately, to the bowl.

WHAT WHY. The catchline of this blog is “it’s complicated” but seriously. Ramen has now turned on me. Don’t get me wrong it’s probably the best instant ramen noodle I’ve ever had but WHY.

Metaphorically, my life is doing this right now. My life is a prancing LLamacorn.

Also guess what I am going to get my period this week. And if you look at my schedule let’s see Tuesday I’m going to open an official checking account for my service dog fundraising of which I currently have $425- also I need to put in my work hours and I just texted my roommate who just happens to have a lot of experience fundraising and be an award winning photographer (yeah coincidences don’t exist) and talked with her about some ideas for the fundraiser and then I logged in and submitted my clocked hours this week. Which I asked for a check because I want to put all my work money in the savings account.

Seriously I now have 13 tabs up. Also my study break show decided to spontaneously take me back to the beginning of the episode and cwtv your ads suck. Like at least CHANGE them once in a while. I have them memorized!

So then Wednesday is my trip to the gynecologist and heck she better help me figure out why I bled for 9 days this month because that was EXHAUSTING and pads are also EXPENSIVE. Being a woman, in general, is expensive and exhausting, but periods make it even more so. I was reading about the creation and there’s a verse that says- now I just closed my work hours tab after submitting everything but now I remembered I need to check my school orgsync to see if Tongan chapter posted any social events so maybe I’ll have some actual fun times this week-

Genesis 3:15

15 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

OH my gollygoshgoodness. Maybe, just MAYBE, that’s why feminism just happened.

Checking my orgsync closed two tabs wrote in the blog cleared my orgsync inbox cleared my notifications closed it came back.

This morning I was late to halau practice because my sleeping pill put me out after I woke up for my alarm so I tied on my running shoes and booked it 2 miles to get there and nearly passed out.

Also I am back to the math

One of my guyfriends came over to try to help and here’s the other thing about people trying to help me with math is that they have to put up with this

And me saying I’m a retard and a failure and I can’t do math and lamenting that some of us were designed for greater purposes- and math, for me, is not one of them.

I have a granola bar and I’m hungry and thinking about going home and making a pizza and freezing the leftovers so that I have food this week. I also planted flowers yesterday and I need to put them on my windowsill to keep them warm so they will sprout. There have been GORGEOUS monarch butterflies around this week- I nearly fell into a bush today because I apparently look with more than my eyes.

Anyways I want to make a magical butterfly garden and put a fairy house in it or gnomes or something. Like a zen garden, but one designed for flutterbys.

Opening google photos my roommate approves my fundraising idea and I recommended we roomies should watch a movie together tonight if anyone wants to. Or cook something. I stress bake sometimes. It’s a habit.

Okay I just downloaded way more pictures than I was planning on but here.

Yesterday I came home to find out all of my tomatoes were sick except this one. I seeded tomatillos last week because I had a sneaking feeling that that might happen. BUT out of 10 one survived and is very very happy in his hanging pot with an irrigation system.

And guess what I have amazing news.

Yes, that just happened. Thank you, uterus.

Seriously though. I am on birth control it is exactly the day when I start the white pills, and you show up today.

Back to my previous topics I kind of just feel like posting pictures to give you a blitz of what is going on because brain hurts I have an essay to finish on a very very boring busywork assignment and I’m still trying to get my game on math. Also my next appointment with my therapist is Tuesday and the math test is only in the testing center Tuesday and Wednesday and if I don’t take it Tuesday morning I will literally, not have time to take it because Tuesday the day is structured like this.

So hold the phone so now my roommate wants my no-bake cookies recipe and heck I need a break anyways and my other friend I promised to go out with her today and forgot because hello short term memory because of sleep deprivation so I’m going to somehow write an essay in the next 30 minutes and go home give her the recipe, chat, then go out with my friend and make sure I take some painkillers.

Also I saw this meme and I am considering it because I do noottt look good today.

Tuesday is classes all morning but 1 1 hour break for the math test and I don’t have my special disability services card to use the “green room”- I have to use a room all to myself for exams because otherwise I can’t do tests. I dissociate and school and blahde blah and also my guyfriends need to fill out some more social surveys to help with placement with a dog so on Monday I need to handle that. Just remembered. So THEN get out of class and book it over to the bus stop and get on the bus, go an hour down to Haleiwa, do my 1:00 therapist appointment, walk down to the bank abou 2:30 and open a checking account which by that time (because it’s lowkey like the DMV) will be 4:30 so MAYBE I get home about 5:30 or 6:00 and THEN I have hula practice 7-9.

That emoji that gives up the ghost is literally my feeling right now.

Also I decided for fun I am copying my guyfriends gym selfies from their respective instagram accounts and I am going to do the copy someone elses instagram challenge and show them up. Seriously their sexy poses are ridiculous. They need a coach.

Usually I’m the coach of sexy. I train them to dress well and groom well and yes I will tell you if your haircut is not flattering to your face and whether or not that facial hair needs to come off. That may be part of why I am queen not just in real life, but I also have dominion of the friend zone.

Also I am making my sister a plumeria headband for her graduation. And I went to the hardware store because last night I was in a nurturing mood like when an expecting cat  “nests” somewhere in the house that was my mood so that’s why I went out and bought plants and soil and why why why Queen, did you go buy stuff you are trying to save money- but I hope I can sell some rooted hibiscus and some seedlings so there IS that. Plus it doesn’t cost much overall to grow your own food. And while I was there I did a price comparison between Petco and Bark Box and Ko’olau Pet Store for toys for a dog because I never do just one thing at once.

I used to be able to sit down and study Japanese for 2 hours straight.

That makes me laugh now.

I had an idea to plant a butterfly garden so that’s what the flowers are for. My landlord has a small garden but her tomatoes gave up the ghost so guess what we have room. For some reason last time I grew tomatoes I called them my leiblings but when I grow flowers I call them my babies?

I’m unique.

That picture is from going for a drive with a friend of mine who has been so so helpful because she is older and went through the same BS I did- well, most of it- so I can tell her literally anything and she gets it. She doesn’t just sit there with her mouth open like “Oh my gosh. I cannot even believe you that is just so crazy.”


Also the quesadilla is one reason why I will be in trouble with my therapist next week, wish me luck.

And there you have it. My brain, on meds.

I can’t wait to get off this medication. I don’t know how it will affect me, but I can’t do this chipmunk ADD thing much longer. I’m worn out.

But my sidenote is I did go to the beach today for 2 hours and nearly fell asleep. AND I found a shell, which is so rare on the beaches because everyone takes them. It is beautiful. I usually return the shells after a while because it’s only right to give back, but for now I just wanted to bring it home to admire it.


Also I had a dog come greet me when I came home yesterday and today when I was feeling, so soo down, and it made me feel so much better. I had a dog to come home to, it’s my friend’s dog, Dox, and he runs out to greet me when I come home, and it makes all of this feel worth it.



  1. love the stream of consciousness style – you’re right its so real! sucks about the math. I know a great tutor (its me lol), but we’re separated by many, many miles, oceans and a couple continents


  2. I really enjoyed reading your writing style. My favorite line you wrote was, “My landlord has a small garden but her tomatoes gave up the ghost” because I was imagining the emoji you were talking about a few sentences earlier and was kinda amazed there was a way to describe tomatoes dying that I never thought of before. I like butterflies too. Actually, they used to scare me, haha, but I appreciate their beauty now. Idk how to feel about caterpillars though. I visited a butterfly greenhouse in a museum once. They lived in there and were allowed to fly and go as they pleased. Loved your blog post pictures too!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for commenting! ^^ Also yes butterflies used to freak me out too but now I love them. Did you know that they actually like the ocean? I’ve seen them fly over it and kiss the waves sometimes, it was so amazing I wouldn’t have believed it unless I saw it. Butterflies are so small and yet there they are dancing around the waves. 🙂


      • Wow, I didn’t know butterflies enjoy flying over the ocean. That must be a very beautiful sight. Hope I can see something like that someday. ☺


  3. Hi, read some of your posts, and you express yourself very well. Like you, I have experienced the painful incongruity of real life and religion. For people who are really, sincerely searching it can be pretty bad. In my search, I decided to visit a church I heard about that does prophetic counseling, and in the service I was told simply that “…soon, you will cross paths with someone who will be very hard to deal with.” I quickly forgot about it, because I didn’t put much stock in it. The next evening, when I went in to work at my second job, I was told to train a new hire. This person refused to listen to anything I said, saying there were better ways she was going to use. Though I told the manager the problem, I was forced to work with this person for a while. Stressful. After a few days, it hit me like a ton of bricks- the prophecy came true! Visiting the church more after that, I learned that personal prophecy is God’s way of showing us He is always present with us, a resource we can tap into. He knows what we are going through. He is very personal, and cares enough to do that. Wow, what a change from following religious dogma. Awareness that only you and God own your life and have control, not those who hurt and try to misguide us, helps us confidently focus on what is important so life can be lived with more purpose and happiness. I’m not in the habit of leaving comments, but I felt my experience could benefit you as well, in some unknown way. God bless!


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