Love-Hate- and Buying My Own Teddy Bear This Year

stop trying to make love happen

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!! ❤ ❤ MWAH! (Late because I was straight up suicidal this past week and Valentine’s Day was the worst)

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Before I lecture more on relationships and my love-ish life- that man above is the sexiest Tongan man at my college lol. I ranked all my Tongan guyfriends for who is cutest, sexiest, etc, and this one is the one I ranked as Mr. Tonga of the sexy division. He doesn’t smile often but he’s a pretty chill guy. (he likes blondes. I always tell him brunettes are sexiest because I’m brunette and I bring up our whole class, but he still goes for the blondes. So obviously, he’s not that smart.) Anyways you wouldn’t guess it looking at him, but he has this sexy streak. He’s normal and then you pull out a camera and he is a drama queen in a man’s body. 😉 😉 So if you ever run into him, make sure you ask for pictures lol. ^-^

I really do love my guyfriends. It makes me happy to visit them at work, tease them about girls, see them at the gym. They make up a lot of my day-to-day motivation. I always want the best for them. Plus they’re funny. And I like laughing at them. I mean *with* them. HOWEVER if you’ve been reading this blog and any of these below posts

Relationship Posts: 10 things I hate about you. Bad Apple. Lets Talk About Normal. Exotic Men. So Today I Crushed a Tongan Man’s Heart. Reasons I’m Still Single. Pina Colada and Playahs. Love Me Some Brown Suka. the Happy People of Samoa.

And here’s some pictures of the types of men I deal with on a day-to-day basis and this is what they wear to work. business casual.

You’re going to come to the conclusion that my relationships with men are very complicated and are part of the reason I revel in alone time and do rage workouts at the gym. And you’re also thinking “So, what else is new?” HA. Why would I write about it if it was just like the last 47 times? I wouldn’t. Shut up, grab your moosemunch, and read my drama because for Valentine’s Day because I’m your favorite blogger I decided to compile the best stories and lines from all these posts for your enjoyment and make it a featured post. You’re welcome.


I don’t know about you but I’d be running if I saw that. Only question is which direction.

Also sister hood of the travelling bootyshorts. Let’s GO LADIES!

You ever seen a telenovela slap?

I know someone who needs one.

There have been a lot of guys who have flirted with me since I got to college and surprisingly enough, none of them have been successful at actually making me fall for them. I don’t know what it is? Maybe it’s the fact that they keep all trying the same tactics over and over again? Example.

Remember that post about the guy Newbie where even before he knows my name he asks

Also- here is the full post for people who aren’t lazy. Bad Apple

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

Me rolling my eyes very obviously

(Also when creepy guys ask, for your information, his name is Sione he is a rugby player from Tonga and he’s a really big handsome guy with a whole lotta muscular chunkalunka. so there.) but because this guy wasn’t too creepy I said

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Because you’re too cute to not have a boyfriend.”

And that was when lightning from on high struck him down and I was free.

I’m sorry, I’m just so funny.I keep laughing at my own posts even though that last part really wasn’t funny.

Yes yes killjoy.

In short I told him he was annoying me and that it was none of his business and since then we’ve been entangled in a warfare of him checking me out very obviously and me verbally slapping him away. It got under my skin because usually guys are cowards and I can make them go away after a few  tries but this one tried for just about two months. And I have plenty stories with him! How does that saying go, bad fish and boys who like me, need to be thrown out immediately. 😡

And here’s the other thing that annoys me about Bad Apple kay. He’s the first guy who ever held my hand. He’s the first guy who ever “watched me leave” and for people who don’t got male stalkers let me show you

And because I have great people skills, this was my response.

Image result for watching woman leave gif

Basically I’ve had some guys flit around here and there showing “interest” and checking me out but this one was unusually persistent, which is why he had to go. Normally I don’t play nice with boys, we know this, but here’s the thing. Straightup men in my life who were sexual with me, were monsters. So you might as well approach me with a bazooka and wear those Nikes because I’m a smart woman, and I’m gonna run. To me, men who are thirsty, are dangerous, because I have friggin PTSD and I have bad experiences with men taking advantage of that disability to put sexual things on me when I was having a panic attack. Or you could count the times I got hit or abandoned or called a slut as further evidence. Every remotely sexual experience I ever had, I was afraid for my life and it was hella painful.

NO DUHR I’m gonna bite the hand of any man who gets too close! And because men have beat me down for so long. I am top dog. I am the Queen. And you don’t cross me without consequences. I am headstrong, I am determined, and if I don’t like it, uh no. I can’t be weak around people, especially men, and even more especially *interested* men. Not safe. Not okay.

And also in a relationship I have to be top dog or at least an equal. I cannot be the subordinate woman who cringes and cowers in the corner and says “yes dear”. I wasted too much of my life to men who took advantage of me to lay down and take any more abuse. If I ever bring a man breakfast in bed, it’s gonna be because I feel like it. If he asks me for something, I’m only gonna do it if I want to. I just can’t be the victim again. I can’t feel safe with a guy who feels like a threat, and guys who have been interested in me before, were a threat to my safety and well being. Only times I’ve ever been kissed I was afraid for my life and getting killed if I said no. Doesn’t mean I didn’t say no and try to fight but sometimes in that situation you end up submitting your body because survival ends up being more important than your feelings about the situation. A man who is willing to rape you or hit you, is inches away from killing you. At that point they are capable of anything and utterly beyond reason.

Which of course anyone who reads my blog knows this because I talk about men all the time but the men I interact with, like Bad Apple. They don’t get this because am I really going to stop him in his tracks when he’s flirting with me and saying “I have PTSD from being raped multiple times over a period of 9 years so back off before I lose it.” No. Can’t. And I get so aggressive with them because I don’t want to like men anymore. It’s too hard. I don’t see much hope in the venture and my lack of any good romantic experience is a pretty good reason on it’s own. Some books about healing from sexual assault say to start from a clean slate or a clean slate is the goal. I’m starting from Ground Zero. The twin towers just went down, everything is shrapnel, and I have to dig out every piece, but the earth beneath will always be scarred by the memory of what was there before.

My aggression towards men is something I don’t have a lot of control over. I do it to protect myself from getting abused again. I know it didn’t work last time and there will always be people out there like the rapist but I’m clinging desperately to my barricades because I don’t know how else to live anymore. Survival and war has become all I know. Speaking of which.

There was one time when he walked in a circle around me “assessing”.

Did not end well.

He still has his face and I’m not in jail so actually I changed my mind considering what I wanted to do to him, that ended well.

This next story is about a guy who came to the gym a few days after I met him and was  admiring, and we all know what I do to my male admirers. Being a girl at the gym is hard enough because let me tell you a secret, I did not slap on the spandex for you, I just need to be able to do the splits as part of my workout. Also did not pick out this sports bra for you. It was on sale. Kay? And yet and yet and yet you think it’s OPEN SEASON. NO. So yeah you think I ain’t seen those sideways looks before? I know what game you’re playing and I don’t play those kine games with boys.

obsessed 2

Okay let me actually throw a rope to the guys. Hit on the girl after the workout, not during. Don’t get up in her space even if she seems thirstay because *ahem* you may not be the object of her affections. Some of us are turned on just by pumping iron. Alone. In The Corner. Far away from you.

If she’s a typical heterosexual female and she’s giving you signals which okay I have to admit you guys seem to have had a secret meeting without a woman present and decided what those signals are? Grow up. Ask a female friend or heck maybe all your female friends. We kinda know this stuff about women seeing as how we are women. Huh.

So I casually happen to glance his way. He casually just happens to look my way. Except he was already looking at me


EYES UP BRUH as I previously stated this spandex is not for you. And you’ll notice I said I “casually” glanced his way and by that I do mean casually. The only time I check out a guy on purpose at the gym is when my buddy Sio is doing the chest press and he pulls the funniest faces hahhaaa. I snortlaugh every time.

Heck I’ve never had a boyfriend but I guess that would be one thing I’d actually have to get used to is being a piece of meat.


I figured out something really ground-breaking. If you read seventeen magazine quizzes or have ever been a tweenager you know the feeling when a guy gives you this look-

when a guy likes you- he likes you, for being you!

He also likes the fact that you’re sexy. But honestly it is you. Noone else is like you so if he likes you, uh, it’s not your Eau de Parfum.

Seriously I was going to take them out of context but you know what I will just give you the links because I am a busy woman and I don’t got time right now.

Short story of my Valentine’s day was I dressed up super cute, then of course relationship stuff is my worst suicidal ideations trigger. And it was Valentine’s Day. UH HUH. So I cried for hours and was literally on my way to go kill myself but then my logical brain kicked in and said “Hannah follow the process” and the anti-loss-of-life plan so I texted people and then I went to work to stay busy and then I hit up the gym for half an hour but was too depressed to finish.

I nearly died laughing at this part.

“You looked at me….”

“and still said”

“I’ve seen worse”


My roommate was watching with me and she was so mad because I burst out laughing. I cried. I did. I cried tears of joy and that’s not just because yo girl hasn’t slept in over 2 years I just thought it was so sooo funny. That’s probably how I would meet my dream guy. He’d look like this

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LOL no, sorry. I was just trying to not get caught. I’m writing in the library and my guyfriends tend to pop up at inconvenient times and I really, really didn’t want my bruh Money to walk in on me with “sexy Tongan men” up on google search. I have a reputation to uphold.

Also which is harder- performing an impromptu exorcism or actually finding a picture of a man who isn’t trying too hard on google? Like why we strippin? Haven’t you ever met this guy? All he has to do is wear a towel and stare into your eyes.

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Also sidenote I don’t think he actually fits into that belt which is probably why it isn’t buckled. Actually. Yeah. He’s pretty hot. I could date that. But I wouldn’t because I have to get to my healthy place first and I also need to work on anger management. Like, a lot. Hannah’s a little rage monster pretty often these days.

dhark tank

On that lovely note I have an essay to write, a fundraiser video to film, a test to take, a reading to do, a religion assignment to fail, an email to check, music to edit, and dance practice 9-10:30 and somehow practice guitar at some point.

Also my therapist and I sat down and did the reasons to live exercise so if you are the type of person that prays please pray that I do not have to call 911 on myself because I cannot afford another ambulance bill. Night.

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