OH boy. You’ve waited your whole life for this one. Well. More like when I started foreshadowing a month ago, the story of KT.
This may help you put together another reason I’ve been very suicidal for the past month is because it’s almost the anniversary of the day he left. You are about to feel every emotion across the board.
I’m finally ready to tell you this story, but I have to forewarn you, this story is more painful to me than all the rapes combined and it still makes me cry.
And let me tell you, it takes a lot to make me cry.
I met KT at a church youth activity sometime in early 2015. We met at a church dance and he was cousins with Tyson, who I sat next to in my AP English class (yes, I am smart. Shut up.) I was telling him about Tyson and how he had an absolute conniption because a spider crawled on his desk. Tyson is also terrified to death of bumblebees and he’s on a mission in Ghana right now so I can tell you that and he can’t do anything about it. Ha.
And then a church leader came up and tried to tell KT to invite me to slowdance. KT was not very happy about it and he feigned death to try to get out of it and truth be told, I was going to ditch out on him because I hate slowdancing too. His brother, Pups, and the church leader actually dragged him to his feet to slowdance with me.
This is gonna sound kinda weird but I had a feeling that I wanted his number. Not just because he was funny and cute, it was different than that. I felt like it was important. We texted a bit back and forth when I went to Holomua in Hawaii to decide if I wanted to go to BYUH.
The next time I saw him was a youth activity ice skating. He was there with his girlfriend Princess. I didn’t know they were dating but I didn’t care because I didn’t want to date him anyways. I skated up next to him where he was clutching onto the side of the rink for dear life and I said “Boo” and he didn’t even turn he was just like “Hannah”. He was protesting so much about skating and I of course, was the perfect friend as you will see as events unfold.
His girlfriend’s plan of action was to go get Tyson, but of course I had a more subtle, tactful approach.
“Come on, get your butt out here and skate.”
He ended up using the walker thing that people who really don’t know what they are doing use to skate. And I skated circles around him and then took off around the rink. A guy tried to grab onto my arm and flirt with me and get my number and I just looked at him and told him to let go. And then there was this couple that was skating next to me and she was telling her boy
“Come on, you can do it.”
no, he can’t. Was what I was thinking, and lo and behold
He wiped out and knocked me down on the ice! Girl shoulda been holding his hand or something cause he obviously needed her supervision and support. That was the ONLY time I fell on the ice. And it HURT. So I actually went over to KT and grabbed onto his stability thingy because obviously Mr. Varsity Football Jock did not have the guts to get out on the ice on his own and I was “injured” so clearly I needed it more than he did.
Flash forward over the next half of 2015
And I think I’m just going to use screenshots and pictures and please don’t ever contact him, respect his privacy. I’m Queen, and this is my shit to handle.
KT… The first time I nearly committed suicide was on November 14th 2015. I didn’t even realize what I was doing. But a few days before, KT texted me this, and it was enough.
In March of 2016 I did finally get my hug. And then same night I stayed up all night with my poor little Angel Baby (my dog) waiting because she was going to be put down the next day. He texted me “Jesus should be all you need”. And that was it.
You would think that would be enough to get me to hate someone I love, but it wasn’t. I was still writing things like this in my journal.
“I do know even if I don’t get my goodbye, when KT comes back and I run into him on a beach in Hawaii forget hugs I will tackle that Tongan boy. And then punch him.
IT’S CALLED TOUGH LOVE SUGAH BABE- GET USED TO IT.
“I want to cry and I want a hug from you. I feel so overwhelmed and I want to be okay to not be strong for just a moment I want to lean on you. I am so tired kt. I’m tired of being so strong- it’s breaking me.”
Same. Nothing’s changed except I’m in even more pain than before and now he’s connected to it.
I feel so vulnerable. And small. And I’m very tired of running and hiding and fighting constantly to try to be “okay”. Happiness doesn’t last. Fear always comes back. Trust has fled. But… I’m so torn and this is a lot of where the emotional conflict is tearing me up.
I’m very broken inside. I cry a lot. I feel numb. I struggle to relate to people I love and I’ve lost relationships. I lost all sense of who I am, where I will go. Sometimes I just cry for hours and I don’t know why. Sometimes I get stuck in the past and it happens to me again and again and I can’t get out. The fight inside…
I never sleep at night anymore. I don’t care about food or to eat. I work out too hard too much and I never feel like I am “enough”. I want to take my life back but it’s a fight I don’t know how to win
I am much thinner. Much sadder. Much lonelier. I’m very lost. I’m so stressed. I run to shut things out. I run to feel. I can’t feel like I used to. I miss the Hannah I used to be. I’ve lost so much and gained so much but even though everyone around me expects me to be happy… I’m truly not. The shards of brokenness inside constantly stab and draw blood with every movement every breath. I’ve nearly committed suicide 4 times. I can’t feel any love. I feel cold all the time and numb the rest of the time. Sometimes I want to hurt myself just to feel something, anything at all. There’s no escape for me. No rest. It’s a constant fight for my life. My only consolation is I am a warrior and I will be strong. I have a choice. Be strong. Or die. I chose to be strong and as far as retreat goes- death first.
I want so badly to be held and I want him to be the one who holds me. I want him to talk to me, so I can tell him what has happened, and finally please can I cry in front of someone so he can help me? This is too much. I want kt. I know he has so much going on but he never should have left me behind like this. I want to cry. I want to be held. I want a minute where I don’t have to be the tough, super-capable girl who is all that and a slice of sweet. Expectations to hold it together on my own. Be strong. Don’t cry. Don’t let anyone know what’s wrong. Get this done. Doesn’t matter if you are tired do it anyways. This is your job you can’t rely on people to help you. People have every right to treat you badly and abandon you. You’re crippled. It’s okay for them to walk away.
I want my friend back. At least to say goodbye for now. He broke my heart.
this is what I wrote about him a few months after he left.
“I keep hoping for angels. And it seems like I meet one. But then it’s you again. KT I see your face in my dreams. You name makes me sigh and tears spark in my eyes as I look across the ocean and imagine you in Tonga doing God’s work. I love you and miss you and I’m so proud of you…
But I need to move on and let you go. To be honest KT… You screwed up. You screwed up so bad. And I’m the only one whose been paying. Except IDK my family. And my friends. Do you know what it felt like to call Tyson when I lost it and nearly committed suicide? What it felt like to tell my family that I had nearly taken my own life? That noone came to help me. That noone seemed to care. This suffering on the inside that noone can see. AND YOU ADDED TO THAT. YOU HURT ME. I HATE THAT YOU ABANDONED ME AND FORGOT ME. I WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT TO YOU. NOT ONE OF GOD’S CHILDREN DESERVES TO BE ABANDONED BY THOSE THEY LOVE EVER. HOW CAN YOU JUST FORGET SOMEONE WHO WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING FOR YOU??? YOU NAME IS LITERALLY KAHA’OWAIOLUOKALANINAMEALOHAMAULOA. LOVE FOREVER FROM THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH. WTF”
Also your girlfriend is out of control. So… She thinks she’s got it soo hard waiting for an email from her sweet “hao”. Try being me sometime. I’ll show you what hell is.
“I woke up in tears again. Night after night. Your name in my nightmares. Your face in my nightmares. You left me. Again. I’m lonely. I’m cold. I wake up crying. There aren’t enough tears to cry for how much it hurt to lose my best friend. There was no comfort to be had. I lost so much I cared about. I was on crutches. I was emotionally broken. And I missed you. Like a constant neverending heartache that stayed so long I grew numb to everything. Numb to death. Numb to pain. I stopped crying. I knew noone would comfort me. I had to be strong. I had to face hell on my own. I was desperate. I was furious. I was frustrated. I was heartbroken. I cried so many tears and prayed so much for this pain to leave me. I had enough pain already, I told God. Any more pain and I swore I would kill myself rather than live this half life, this broken life, this lonely, cold, loveless life. But of course I had to get over you. I had to be the strong one. Again. KT broke my ability to trust others. I bonded so strongly to him that new relationships… Trying to form new relationships when his mistake broke me…I couldn’t stand any more pain. It hurt too much to care. It hurt too much to turn for help. There was nowhere left I hadn’t tried. And still my eyes were shaded with dark dreams and gossamer tears…. And it’s been months… And I still love him and am so glad he was in my life. But it still hurts. It hurts to love.”
I don’t think he deserves that from me anymore. But I know if I saw him again I would run to him and be so happy to see my best friend who I love. My best friend who was my angel. My angel with the knife and the blood on his hands. My angel who broke me. Who destroyed me. And if he offered his embrace I know I would come to him and fit right inside that place in his heart and mine.”
I tried to tell myself I didn’t understand why I’ve been struggling so hard not to self harm right now and why I’ve been crying for hours almost every day lately. But looking over everything, the question is more, why didn’t I do that every day?
Maybe to someone else his texts seem stupid, but when I do talk about him, in person, you can hear it in my voice how much I care about him. As far as his girlfriend goes, meh, she’s not my business. I am the loyal, devoted, best friend that you will only find once in a lifetime, and part of me will always be waiting for him to come home.
Maybe you hate him for what he did to me, but understand that KT didn’t know how bad he hurt me. I’m good at hiding pain. You can’t hold him accountable for what he does not know.
I am wordless.
He broke every promise he ever made to me and walked out without saying goodbye. I still love him, but rather than feeling warm and happy about it all I feel is pain, bitterness, and a whole lotta sad.
The saddest part is that I wrote all of this 2 years ago, but if you look at my journal, it’s still the same words. The same loss. You need to realize that he is just a part of this whole picture. So much has happened to me in the past 2 1/2 years that he is just one of the deepest hurts I ever had now, rather than any comfort. He is another thing that I hate myself for not getting over. I’m learning the hard way that you can’t “muscle through” this, eventually, you have to feel the pain.
He’s supposed to come home about August and for me it is coming way too fast. I am so. different. And yet the same. He is one of the only people who could make a real comparison between March 2016 and now, 2018. I want to see him, but at the same time I don’t, because I am ashamed of myself for not being recovered and being so damn sick.
What I would say to him, I don’t know. If I would actually telenovela slap him, I don’t know. If I could even speak, I don’t know. If I would cry or laugh or both, I don’t know.
All I know is that this hurts. Whether or not he meant it. And I don’t know of a girlfriend alive who would be loyal for this long.
All I ever did was love him. And this is what happened.
I miss my boy. And I want him back.
*Also I prefer Ghirardelli not Godiva.*