Bridezilla- The Post That You Have to Finish Or Else

Repeat after me, this mantra.

coluna-da-bianca_revista-icasei_abre

Unless of course, the cake decorator chose cream instead of light cream. Then you may unleash the beast. For example

Today a guy three times my size whipped me with his towel outside the gym.

I told him not to do it.

Image result for zoo sign saying beware of tiger

What many people don’t understand is that despite me being a sweet unassuming young adult (with just a touch of sass), I am also a tigress waiting to spring.

Today because I have a ton on my mind and am very depressed and very tired, I decided I am going to make a *very sarcastic* post about what my imaginary Pinterest wedding would look like: including a groom, I know you are all dying to see who my ideal man is. Yes, my followers, I am feeling magnanimous today. I will share with you my imaginary beaux

First, we need to select my perfect man to be said beaux…

… …  …   ….

This may take a while.

I think that’s a pretty good selection since Channing Tatum is old and taken.

Related image

Image result for channing tatum magic mike memes

OH MY. Okay. Having some issues trying to make a decision here. Darn you, Magic Mike. GO AWAY. (unless you want to stay in which case I’d be happy to bake you cookies and put in a movie #ustillfriendzonedtho).

Cuddlezoned? Now that, I could live with.

Who would compliment me and be the other half of my yin? Who would look super cute next to me? For my nauseatingly perfect Instagram engagement pics #102daysuntileternity #relationshipgoals #IHAVETHERING (those Mormon girls at BYU be like Gollum all up in here “My precious“😐)

I need the guy to be presentable and aesthetic. I would look really strange standing next to, say, Kylo Ren.

Image result for kylo ren meme

So have I but if it’s any consolation, I’m a total hottie.

ALRIGHT who did I pick? Who can bake me a cake in a kitchen he built himself and bring me that thing I love that is now diamonds who wants to stay in with me if I’d prefer?

THIS GUY (don’t be upset. The Old Spice guy is out of the running because I just can’t get past those brown eyes) And all the other men on the list have managed to tick me off in the last 24 hours alone so NUP.

OUR WINNER ISIMG_04771.jpg

 

My bruh. We’re besties so it’s chill. I could live with him as long as he doesn’t try to tell me to get rid of my stuffed animals. If that happens, there will be war. But he’s not dumb and he’s used to women who like to get their way. He’s not a pushy personality which is good because the harder someone tries to get me to do what they want, the more I want to do exactly the opposite. Will not be controlled. And the way he flirts? OMG. ❤ If you know me you know that I’ve heard almost every pickup line under the sun and none of them have worked but this one, this one is subtle and I find that very sexy. Most of the guys come on hot and heavy. This guy, when he uses a line, it’s all sparks, but you know there is a fire. ❤ ❤ ❤ Literally my favorite was one time I wasn’t visiting at work for a while and I came back and he said “Hey, it’s been a while.” and I smiled and asked “Didya miss me?” and he said “It felt like an eternity.”

And one time he gave me a dead fish as a gift and I got right up in his space and told him he’d be single for the rest of his life. I got lots of cute stories like that with him. Except he has respected the no dead fish as gifts rule.

Also, we already have a couple name #bromance

Ohmigosh it sounds like I’m having a sweet nostalgic moment. KILL IT.

My roommates say he is cute but I don’t know how much I care about that. Actually I think he is. I can see it, looking at that picture we have together- we also have a super cute selfie with my head on his shoulder which I want because it is f-ing adorable.

THE PROPOSAL

Personally I don’t understand why men make such a big flipping deal about a public announcement. See, in my case, I see it as posturing. Like putting up a big sign “THIS IS MINE”

No, it ain’t. You think I’m sleeping with you for free?

Related image

Men gotta get over this thing with ownership. Respect the fact that no one HAS to stay with you and you can’t control a person- especially if that person’s name is the Queen. If I don’t want to, I will not do it. I learned young what it feels like when a man “claims” you and what it’s like to be knocked around for it and guess what I. don’t. like. that.

Thankfully the guyfriend I chose has a sister who taught him that very important lesson which is one reason why he is such a cool person. I feel like if he was going to propose he would set something up involving his friends and family and maybe a haka, not some Jumbotron ultradrama proposals. Who knows. He doesn’t come across as a very flashy type but you’ll only think that if you don’t actually know him.

He is a very, very sassy person in the right circumstances. I haven’t learned how to bring it out yet but that’s part of why I love seeing him around. Always game for another try.

What do I want for a proposal?

Just the two of us at an amazing restaurant, me wearing this dress (most likely in red)

Image result for sexy red formal bodycon dress brunette halter top

AND THESE SHOES

Image result for prosecutor princess high heels

MMMMM… Okay I do own that pair it is in my closet. It is my one and only pair of high heels but since I’ve been injured for like 2 years I haven’t worn them for about that long. 😦 😦 my poor babies.

THE RING I WANT

Image result for lord of the rings ring

Diamonds are literally a rock. Why would I buy a rock? There are rocks in my backyard for free.

Now, the power to become the Queen of Darkness, beautiful and terrible as the dawn whom all shall love and fall into despair for, on the other hand…. #jrrtolkienhadapoint. And that is probably just about what any guy who likes me feels right now as I am not dating. I literally just texted a guy this today

“I danced at a wedding and I smiled and danced like a girl. You told me if I did that then you would pay to see it WELL… where’s my money?”

“Hahha no, I will take you out and we can do something fun and then I’ll pay you.”

“I am not a prostitute.”

Hannah, Hannah , Hannah. I can’t even. You are single and that is how you will stay. We will know Jesus is coming when you get a boyfriend because as they say “wonders and miracles will come among men in the last days”

WELL APPARENTLY THAT’S NOT FOR A LONG TIME SO WE’RE GOOD BY ALL MEANS SWIPER KEEP ON SWIPING

(dora reference. Golden. Why am I not paid? Why. I work at a cafeteria but clearly my prowess lies in sarcastic comments and online blogging. If only I could convince someone to pay me for being all that and a side of fries which clearly I am. It takes hard work to be this sarcastic.)

THE VENUE

Now, knowing him, he wants to get married here

Image result for laie hawaii temple

But because I am in charge…

Yes it will be there.

But since I’m not planning on being a member of the church after college, this is the second best place

Image result for tonga beach wedding

TONGA! (I hear they have whale watching there and they eat jellyfish so obviously it’s a prime choice) Plus then his family can be there and if we do our reception Tongan style, this is what happens.

MONEY MONEY MONAY

And y’all there was a video of a blonde girl doing it but I have to be honest… she was not a good dancer plus I get very very pissed off at any reminder of those Tongan men who get married just for a green card and the stupid blondes over here who fall for them. Literally. It is ALWAYS. A blonde.

I’m just going to put it out there-

GREEN. CARD.

Sad but true how many marriages fail because someone married someone in the temple, promised them eternity, then PYSCHE wifey I just got my green card I’m just going out real quick to get you some—

and then they never see him again.

Men suck. Did I say it that way before or am I getting lazy with my degrading man-hatin’ comments?

*for men that are offended just know that comments like that are one reason I’m in therapy.

Luckily us brunettes got good sense. Or at least, this one does. I do not do insta-love, and I do not do unsafe dating. In fact, I quit dating here because of the drama. I quit getting crushes on men. And I basically gave up on my own love life. I’m working on getting a dog. HA.

OUR VOWS

My vows- love him in sickness, health and stupidity. Cherish him. Promise him eternity together.

His vows- love me in sickness, health, and through the crazy. And he has a soul, unlike me, so this list will probably get way longer.

Guest List

All of Tonga because of course they are going to show up invited or not as long as there is food. My family will of course be invited but most likely won’t actually come because it’s too far and too expensive. I do want my dad there because I like watching grown men cry and we already know the groom is gonna cry because he actually has to marry me so the more the merrier. HAHHAAA ^^^^

 

MENU

Well he is from the islands and I am from Arizona and I like Samoan food but I also love him so we will do hapastyle

Samoan food is the food of the gods. The Polynesian gods at any rate.

The God of Abraham prefers Godiva.

 The Reception

c1ee6325e584492ddd42cc7a3751711b.png

This bitch has class.💋

Am I obsessed? Is it weird to plan a wedding with someone who has a girlfriend (I think)/ who does not seem to have a crush on me at all?

Look over next to you at the nearest 19 year old planning her wedding to her celeb crush Brad Pitt. Complete with Pinterest board, premeditated color theme, pet names, and number of children predetermined. OH and did I mention custom children with selected eye color and names of church presidents?

(I just described a real class I had in church. Yes. They exist.)

Obsessed? Yes. Absolutely. You have to be a savage to get what you want on this world. These things do not fall into our laps. Especially not my perfect wedding. And you will find that my position as #bawse and the queen qualifies  me to do the perfect Instagram wedding bettah than anybody else. It’s called hustle.

I’m not a bridezilla, you’re just doing everything wrong.

SHOOT I FORGOT THE STUPIDLY PUBLIC PROPOSAL But it’s okay because that’s not my job. I enjoy watching men fall to their knees for me. It’s kind of a hobby.

THE ENTERTAINMENT

Sexy men because what is more hilarious than a man trying to look sexy and failing

NOW. THE DRESS.

I hate dresses. Yes you heard me right. The queen hates dresses. My exception to this rule is bodycon t-shirt dresses as picture below

So naturally I want my gown to suit my lifestyle and my tastes.

And I will be showing up to my own wedding in sweatpants- as my family threatened to do to me because I put on a hoodie over my “bridesmaids” dress for my older brothers wedding. It was COLDD PEOPLE. Consider the BMI!!!

Things I like in a dress: comfy, easy to put on, makes me look smoking hot, dominatrix style, the dress from easy A (the black one mwah😘) bedazzled with diamonds…

Things I hate about dresses: ruffles, lace, tight, can’t run a marathon in them, itchy, turns me into an instant sex object… ah

y1813.jpg

Bottom line is I’m not so great at self-love or relationships and I’m just like everyone else. I want to be happy and love and be loved. You could easily look at this blog and see all my dance performances and my successes at college with my grades and extra-curriculars or the 8+ year violin career and think wow, she is so successful, I want to be just like her. But I sacrificed a lot to get here and now that I am here even though these things feel good in the moment at the end of the day I lay there on my sleeping mat, looking up at the ceiling, wondering if it all is worth it. And also wondering why I’m still not happy.

I don’t have the answers but one little tip about this is to focus on goals and things you can control.  I cannot make a man fall for me. I can encourage his attentions but I cannot force anyone to fall in love with me. Which is fine because I don’t need an entourage of besmitten men following me around and I definitely don’t need just one who “can’t live without me” because that’s a hassle.

I’m not sure right now that this is something I want for my future. I think maybe having a boyfriend at some point would be nice. But I focus on working on my health and my self as much as possible so that I can develop the capabilities to be a good partner in a relationship. At the moment I’m just not in a good place for that.

I’m learning to be okay with me. Giving myself time and space to heal up.

I may have mentioned my goddess before, Isabel, the yoga instructor from Brazil. She’s the one I want a little Hindu style statue of to keep with me at all times? Well she taught me a lot about a void.

In our lives we pour our efforts into a void of activities. I for instance, obsess over perfect grades, perfect dance performances, perfect hair, perfect body, perfect diet, and basically I obsess constantly over what other people think of me and my own flaws. I paint BEAUTIFUL pictures and all I see is where I messed up and it becomes hard to imagine that anything flawed could be perceived as beautiful by another person. When we made the video for my PTSD fundraiser we used one of my paintings and I was surprised by that because people I ran the video by as a product test all commented on the painting and not just the video.

I don’t have any of my art on this blog but I am planning to do so if anyone wants to see. I think at first my art will surprise you but then when you look very very closely you’ll see me in it. and if you don’t look closely, you’ll miss everything. Which to anyone who knows me in person, is exactly the case. I am a complicated tortured amazing wonderful loving generous savage person and unless you pay attention you will miss all of that wonderful.

Back to my point is- energy. Polynesians call it mana. Hindu call it Chakra. In the Orient they call it Chi. Humans have used religious disciplines to tame and channel their mana (or godpower) for thousands and thousands of years. Many of these disciplines share commonalities such as taboos. To do this brings bad karma or to sin brings bad feelings and damnation… In western culture and in Christian religion too, we place so much emphasis on success. Having the college education, having the new BMW, climbing to leadership in a company….

I don’t tell this story often but I had an Uncle Ben who was handicapped. He had trouble with his hands and reaching things. He grew only baby fuzz on his head because he was a cancer survivor. And he was simple. Simple in the way that he just had a childs way of looking at the world. He hated vegetables. He loved mac and cheese and ice cream and believed they were the key to a happy long life. He would tell anyone who asked that he was a cowboy and also that at the Second Coming he was going to be 6 ft tall. He loved cars too and he knew who was at church on Sunday based on whose car was missing. And if you got a new car, Ben was your first passenger.

He lived a happy life. He was happy. He had simple desires and wants and honestly as far as the terrible things that happened to his child- Brianna, and other challenges, he just didn’t have the capacity to not love people and be happy. Sidenote his daughter was suffocated as an infant and she will never be able to walk or crawl or feed herself. She is fed from a tube and she lays there on the floor listening to Disney songs and other music all day. She can smile and she kind of sings along but is not capable of coherent speech. She’s coming up on my age.

As her father and facing cancer and having his daughter be disabled in that way it would have probably killed a normal human male of that age without some serious family-style ohana running interference on caring for the child and helping out. But Ben kept his focus on singing terribly in church, encouraging people to come to activities and be social, playing card games with family, being a cowboy, and never eating anything green except M&Ms.

So we pour billions of dollars into academia, sports, entertainment, literature, religious causes- all in the hopes that with this next thing, we will finally be happy.

In my next post because it’s 11 and I forgot to eat today- I’ll talk to you about “being” happy versus “having” joy. I think you’ll enjoy it and even if you don’t I write what I want because this is my blog so if you don’t, tough luck buttahcup.

20150617_162349

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s