Haters Make Wonderful Background Music

YouAnd on that cheerful note, shall we play a game?

Of course we shall. I am the queen and you obey my every wish. As long as you obey, I am happy, and you get to keep life and limb.

I have had a HELL of a past few days for one simple reason- I am playing a game. The game is called Life and for educational purposes, I am going to take you on a roleplaying game of Life.

The Casting

OUR HERO: Well she’s not exactly a hero. She is the queen and everyone loves her.

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This is me at work. Every day. Because people somehow just don’t do their job at work. I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s true. You can stand there and say exactly what the job is, the job description will be posted on the wall in front of the individuals face, and yet when you say hey did you do that job that is posted right there on paper and that I reminded you to do 10 minutes ago to do- and they look at you like you’re speaking badly accented Swahili. And then they have excuses. For instance I’m dealing with a Title IX/ Honor Code thing (I am the victim not the rulebreaker just so you know) and it is a nightmare. People wonder why I am so irritated all the time, well. Here’s some examples of professioally trained adults at BYUH in prestigious positions making up lame excuses and proving to us all the accuracy of that saying “The difference between stupidity and genius is that one has it’s limits”

Example: Someone called in a report on a case of bullying and gossip that has been going on for over a year. She’s hospitalized in a foreign country and can’t exactly hop on a plane and come over. To top it all, have you ever typed with an IV in your arm? Probably not! But the honor code office won’t move on it until she files a written report.

Result: the investigation has been going on for 2 months without a single person involved even being questioned about the incident. And with serious threats of bushstyle retaliation to the girl.

Example: The honor code office threatened to punish me for something I did while I was in a mental hospital and not even a BYUH student. I was literally emotionally and mentally incapacitated and people took advantage to get me to do stuff and somehow they want to charge me. Also did I mention discussion of banning me from PCC- which is where I have wanted to work for 3 years now- yeah. That option is also on the table.

Okay so I go there and ask someone to fix my back. He decided that what I meant when I said fix my back was “oh I should slap her butt. Grab it. Oh and grab her breasts and then finger her vagina and THEN ask if she is uncomfortable with it And if she doesn’t say NO and try to kill me. Then that must be consent!” Also the dude was an engaged return missionary and full member of the LDS church I kid you not.

So wait. You want to ban ME. You have a snake in the house and instead of getting rid of the snake you’re going to get rid of me??

Example: My landlord told me if I get a service dog  (fully certified service dog with all documents of medical necessity and proof of training) that I have to move out. I meet with Disability Services.

Result: “Well yes that is the law. But you know there’s always exceptions. Like if the dog sniffs someone in public” (because I am totally going to pay $5,000 for training and that dog is somehow going to misbehave despite months of professional training that I PAID FOR) “we can’t help you get housing unless it’s fully certified and we can’t force her to accommodate your disability because she may choose not to be a BYUH certified landlord if we do push it”

Did I mention how many times byuh housing failed me last year alone? 4 times. Out of 5.😒😒😒

Example: “We want to help but there’s not enough evidence here to approach him”

Me: Okay so you have 20 pages of my written report, a 12 month history of a few other counts of bullying. You have 7 reports on these people already that coincide with the timeline and are documented. And you also have 14 homework assignments submitted that they cheated on. Oh and did I even mention the email I saw from their professor who caught them cheating IN CLASS and didn’t report it? OH WAIT. I did.

And then they sit there and feed me excuses about policy and stuff and I read through their websites and apparently they have a lot of imagination because that stuff they told me in the office was nowhere in their paperwork. And then the department’s contradict each other on procedure and I’m sitting here and in my last interview I literally said this to the honor code guy.

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Needless to say I was not impressed. I was actually so angry I walked out and called my brother and started yelling into the phone about how horrible all this was and crying my eyes out because EXCUSEME I did not choose to be raped when I was younger and I damn well didn’t ask to get finger raped by this guy now. You should see him. He is unattractive AND engaged and I haven’t been dating for over a year now- so there’s no way in heaven or hell you can call the fact that I didn’t scream no and try to beat him up consent. In fact you should be asking why the hell he thought this was okay when he had clear education on Title IX and was engaged and also HE’S A MORMON. He had an obligation to fulfill his covenamts as an endowed priesthood holder and he had accountability to his employer AND he has accountability to God that thou shalt not touch a woman without her consent. That’s commandment zero because it’s so obvious that God never bothered to write it down.

Seriously this guy,

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One of many men who tried to take me down and so will fail. One look in my eyes on judgment day and he’ll crawl down into hell to live with his shame.

I don’t need to go after him in life because karma is a bitch and that applies to bad people. So when I file my paperwork,  I’m done. And here is something the school and those individuals don’t know. I’m looking for legal help, social media sharing and the news may be in the future. Because

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It’s not a question of if it is a question of when. When will this school and others in positions of LDS church leadership realize they are sitting on a nest of snakes? And how many girls and boys do we have to lose before that happens? How many casualties will it take to convince you?

I guess I have been pretty upset and stressed but I do take comfort in 2 things. Me and God. Us together are unstoppable. So here we go. Time to bring the miracles.

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Oh and for those keeping tabs this is what I am currently trying to accomplish while having PTSD anorexia severe depression etc:

Full time college student

Working part-time

Saving all my money towards getting a PTSD service dog- going to the mainland soon to choose my baby in fact

Finding housing/ preparing to take in a dog

Trying to schedule a 2 week vacation

Need to schedule 3 Dr appointments asap to deal with back issues, therapy, etc

Training at the gym every week so that I can walk on an injured leg

Hula practice every week to prepare for the hula festival in July and also trying to prove to kumu that I earned the right to compete in a festival in Maui in September

Taking a dance class with night rehearsals and oh guess what. Solos will be chosen soon. And guess what. I think I know who will be chosen. I’m not hatin on the other girls at all, I just have the most experience dancing Tahitian out of that group and I have the basics down. I have a lot of work to do still, but hey, who doesn’t? A dancer who says they are perfect. Is not a true dancer.

Flying to the mainland next week for 4 days and oh did I mention my mom wants to visit me? Well. Apparently that’s a thing.

Helping a family move to Utah and btw this family is moving in with my family in Utah for free until they find a house. Guess who set that up? Me.

Trying to fly Dox to them in Utah we just don’t have the money so he will need a foster home

Also I have a slight allergy to dogs so oh no. What am I going to do. I need to find a hypoallergenic dog next week and I’ll be shelter hopping and OHMYGOSH.

And did I mention I still shower and eat healthy and wear makeup and work out and shop for myself and I cook my own meals too? Dangg.

Also. Anorexia can suck it because I am slowly gaining back to my appropriate weight and I am getting 3 meals a day. HA. Serious accomplishment that I have had an eating disorder for 2 1/2 years and maintained my weight so well. I also made efforts to gain for athletic purposes but those didn’t last long. But being able to gain 2 lbs and not cry about it for 2 days and spend the next month pinching my waist and thighs and crying and throwing up food feels so good. I’m not all better. But I am making good progress.

It’s hard to let go of anorexia but slowly as other things in life have become more important- for instance my own life- it helps loosen the deathgrip. One thing you learn about being anorexic is that you can’t live with her. Either you get rid of anorexia, or she will get rid of you, starting with everything you love. Family accomplishments education relationships jobs friends time money health and then finally, you. You cannot live with anorexia. You can survive like that for a while, but that kind of life isn’t living, it’s being dead to life.

You will never get what you want in life if you don’t kick anorexia the hell out of it.

I’m also getting ready to audition for Ha Breath of Life night show at the Polynesian Cultural Center. I have dreamed about it for 3 years now but there have been obstacles. And also now it’s even more important because those people who mocked me when I was suicidal are there. And also because I was assaulted there twice now because of those idiots.

So instead of getting raped there and being a helpless victim I am going to dance on that stage a beautiful victory and every night I will remember those who tried to kill me but I survived. I will remember all the sacrifices I made to get there and who and what I dance for and I will show them what it is to be strong.

Of course I don’t normally like to put on a show, but sometimes these basic people need to be inspired.


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