I literally just wrote a post about how much my life sucks and I hope you don’t unfollow me for that cause not everything in my life is quite that bad.
something about miracles… You never quite see them coming. I don’t care what you believe in, things happen in this life that we can’t explain. Bad people disappear. Good people, bad people alike, have healings and other experiences that defy our experience.
Being raised Mormon… I was taught a lot about who to be and what to do. I had a very long and specific checklist. Kinda like this.
- Be baptized.
- Always be kind and help others even if you don’t have the strength for it do it anyways
- Pay tithing always even if you can’t afford it and blessings will come
- Be honest in everything
- Become highly educated
- Never miss an hour of church (3 hours regular meetings plus Mutual and other activities throughout the week and young women’s camps etc and if you get a calling that’s a whole nother ball game)
- Never turn down a calling because it’s inspired of God. I was “called” to be “birthday coordinator” once. I looked across the desk and asked the guy if he was serious. He was. But I still said no.
- Never have a sexual thought or feeling. Control all of it. You can only feel that way when you are married.
- Never masturbate
- Never drink coffee or tea or drugs of alcohol
- Never self harm (see, I’m damned already)
- Repent of all wrongdoing
- Go on a mission (mandatory for a boy. Vigorously recommended to them. Not as much young women because they are our baby makers).
- Skip the mission
- Get married in the temple for time and all eternity and have a lot of kids.
I realized at some point that none of this was helping me get to a better place. I felt farther from God than I had ever felt before after I remembered the rape. When I realized I may never even have a boyfriend let alone that picture perfect temple marriage that I’d staked my worth on. When I was told that because I wasn’t a virgin I was less then- even though that’s not doctrine- it broke something deep inside.
It was bad enough to go through what I went through and then to hear people saying that I wasn’t worthy of a good husband and all kinds of other things was just… a real wakeup call. I realized I wanted nothing to do with that part of the religion. In my eyes if there was a loving God up there, that’s who I wanted to talk to, and these old white men saying what could and couldn’t go in my vagina were getting in my way. The well meaning sweet women of the church also were getting in the way by sitting there lauding that our greatest worth as women was to become mothers in Zion and for someone like me who has been through so much it triggered me to want to kill myself.
So what does someone who has left the church in her heart and who doesn’t have faith in 3/4 of what they say anymore have left to share?
well there is a God. It may not feel like it some days. But there is one.
There are angels.
Doing good things, caring for others, cultivating an educated thoughtful mind and a calm spirit, will bring more happiness
Love is worth living for.
That God up there does take care of things. Even the little things. If it wasn’t 1:00 am after a long week I’m sure I’d have more examples for you.
Miracles are real. You have to hustle for them, but they are real.
Evil is also real. Never forget that. Hold your loved ones closer to you because there is some kind of opposition to every good thing we do.
That’s about what I have.
I want to tell you that I never wanted to report those men who raped me and hit me or even those girls who bullied me. I wanted to go to school and dance and get better from this. For those who really know me it is not my nature to want to harm others. It is out of necessity that those aggressive tendencies manifest. If I had a shotgun and he was here within range, I don’t know if I’d fire a shot. Deep down I know that there is no punishment on this earth good enough for men who do to me what was done and my prayer and hope is that what I have done in reporting will protect other little girls from them. I hope that Brigham Young University Hawaii will woman up and take care of this nest of snakes they are sitting on. I hope the church will move forward and work on this issue with all they got because when a group of people that large gets together and decides to change themselves, they can change this world.
So my final final thought of the night is that I grew up next to a reservation. My life is hard, but I have shared experiences with the rez kids. Abuse, addiction, neglect, lots of things. I’m actually going to start making phone calls and seeing what kind of jobs they offer to a white woman on the dinebikeyah because that would be worthwhile.
If you’ve ever been to a reservation or even driven through, it’s not just that they live in trailers. It’s that their spirit is broken. And they will hate me for saying that so please don’t tell them. But they’ve been told for hundreds of years that they couldn’t expect to be anything else or succeed on the rez, that their culture and language was inferior and of less use than English. Handouts and soft lies worked better than any rifle ever did.
I’ve always wanted to do something about it so who knows, if I get the chance, someday I’ll go home. Help those people.
You’d be surprised how many of my skills and how much of my knowledge of Polynesian culture helps me understand Navajo people better. I’d still have a lot to learn- more of the language for starters, and Navajo is harder than any of the other languages I speak- but I’d have a good foundation. Heck maybe they need a dance teacher.
Loves, night. Do good things. ❤