Twas a very very long day yesterday. Seems like all the days are long lately.
I mean having the house next door being practically torn down means that chainsaws and drills are going at it from 7 am to 8 pm every single day for the past 2 months. I get headaches every single time I come home and spend more than an hour in m y own house. They have 1 two story house I stay in with 3 other girls and the other side of the lower floor is a vacation rental. The upstairs had a family up there and lemme tell you
NOT. SOUND. PROOF.
I can even hear the dogs paws scrabbling all over the wood floor up there. paper thin walls.
And then they split that studio in half and this glowing dewy newlywed couple is up there, resplendent with happiness, oh and guess what. They have a dog too.
CRUELTY THY NAME IS LANDLORD
I am trying to get a service dog, fully certified under the ADA act, and I need this dog as a medical necessity in order to live a basic human life- and that’s not okay. But this super adorbs couple who literally can’t keep a bean alive gets to keep their dog- who is not a service dog. Who sheds everywhere. Basically every reason I was told you objected my having a dog is personified in that animal. And somehow this is okay?
Oh and I’m seething. Have been for days now. It’s just like when you turn up the heat on a kettle of tea and some people find it so so relaxing, their lipton tea
But speaking for all the tea kettles out there…
I am also vexed because I recently found out that a manfriend, while not intentionally doing so, has misled me. I’m sure you’ve all had this experience when a guy is super friendly and talks to all the girls and texts girls all hours of day and night and gives them rides everywhere WELL.
This ho ho be engaged.
And that’s not even the part that’s really got me annoyed. The part that’s got me annoyed is that I have my own personal relationship guru sitting on my shoulder and she’s looking at him and that girl like
I’m no fortune teller or psychic hooha but what I am is perceptive. Women in my family going back a couple generations when someone of our kids brings a man or woman home, we know if they gonna get married or not before they do.
And right now that part of me is going
Well more accurately my feminine intuition is screaming
And it ain’t cause I’m jealous cause I ain’t. This guy is the furthest from my type. The furthest. I’m also like this because there are things I know about what’s up that he doesn’t.
And I’ve been trying to carefully, calmly, and respectfully point out that his future may be going in the wrong direction.
But dis boy! Momma bear is trying to get yo attention fool, listen up! Don’t tempt momma bear to eat you!
Last time I had a feeling like this about a guyfriend and his boo, they broke up not even 2 months later. Basically if I get a bad feeling, you should just save time, shut down your stupid couple’s Instagram, and then have a real conversation about what this relationship really means to you.
It’s like watching this happen
And them all in the car like this
And then this happens
They break up or their marriage breaks apart and they come to me with these big google eyes like Hannah why didn’t you TELL us?
I DID YOU FOOLS!
Sidenote if you read a lot about wolf psychology and behavior….
I finally figured out what my species orientation is. I’m a werewolf. Surprise.
Actually no one is surprised. When I told everyone I was getting a dog everyone automatically assumed the choice was German Shepherd for a reason.
So much drama. So much. I finally made it home and decided to blog and wow I have that title I haven’t done anything with. Bringing us back to the point of this piece I made a very important decision yesterday to get some help with my current condition. It’s a huge risk, like practically everything else I do, but like it says in my journal “I’ve done the impossible, life now is just a matter of repetition.”. Is it scary? Yes. Is it risky? Yes. Is it possibly dangerous? Yes.
I am not a natural risktaker at all. I’m the girl who has never jumped off the rock at Waimea because with my luck a shark will think “Oh look, manna!” And that will be that. I’m the girl who doesn’t date. Who doesn’t stay out super late. Who carries several lethal weapons if I’m out past 7. Who locks my bike and keeps the key with me. Who never saves passwords on devices. And when I have a dog baby around, oh it’s so much worse.
Last night was a concrete move towards finding closure from my past. But if you know anything about my past you know the men who savaged me have friends in high places, way more money than me, and think they are God’s gift to this earth. My odds of overcoming this? Maybe 1%. 25% is for those of us who still have that thing called hope.
The Art of War by Sun Tzu has become my new favorite bible because if I’m going to have any chance of surviving what I feel is coming next, I need to outthink them. I need to be smarter, faster, stronger, and use my resources to my best advantage. I have to dodge whatever is coming or be ready to meet it and if you’ve been hanging around this blog for a while, yezah I survived…
But now I want to do more than that.
I want to live.
I know a veteran with PTSD and one time she told me “I fought wars baby girl. And lemme tell you, this PTSD, is harder than going to war.”
Do I have confidence that I can win this? Absolutely not. But do I intend to let that stop me? Not in the slightest.
I’m getting that service dog. If I have to train it myself, if I have to spend thousands of dollars, work for months slaving away, get lawyers, and fight tooth and nail for this baby I will. And that’s exactly what I’m getting ready to do.
But first. These men are going to be forced into the light. If I have to do the rape kit exam again I will. If I have to drag them through criminal court, I will. If it takes years, I will still make sure that they will never do this to anyone again. Some people told me that when men rape women we should just cut off their dick. In Saudi Arabia they cut off their hand. I don’t see too much difference. You could argue that it takes away their agency, and I could argue that that’s exactly the crime they committed. They took away someone’s reproductive choice.
But that’s for others to decide.
Last night my friend took me out to a ramen restaurant down in Honolulu at midnight to celebrate moving forward in life.
I loved it, it was so good. The hot, seasoned broth sending its fragrance into the cool night air. The Korean drama playing on the small TV inside. Friends out late together ordering great big plates of dishes and sharing everything Hawaiian style. Even though it was so late at night and so cold, I feel that the hardships of the season made it taste even better as we sat together at that little ramen place by Nijiya market at 1:00 am slurping noodles and ordering plates of fried ika. I felt like maybe it was a new beginning. A comforting one. Less like turning on a new flashy gadget and more like a welcome back to a familiar place you knew before but had forgotten.
I’ve had a really rough time for the past couple years and if it wasn’t for times like that… I don’t know what I’d do.