So. I got to do some serious cuddling last night. And I fell asleep on the guy and he carried me to my room and set me down right outside so I didn’t have to walk far to my bed.
First of all who are you and what did you do with the Queen?
For those of us who don’t know, one effect of my PTSD is that for 13 years I had no physical human contact. And then the only contact I had was Tyson and KT, and that was all I had outside men who assaulted me.
Effects of that- severe depression, hormonal imbalance, suicidal ideations, inability to form effective relationship boundaries, and skin hunger.
Skin hunger is worse than starving to death. And I have experience in both areas.
Skin hunger means that for the past 2 years instead of necessarily being up because of PTSD nightmares, I was up because I craved the touch of another human being. I wanted to be held so badly that I felt like I was going to die if I didn’t get touched. I felt like I would do ANYTHING just to be held for a few minutes.
I only recently made the decision to move back to the mainland so for the past 2 days since I got back from vacation, I’ve been telling people I may be leaving Hawai’i forever. I have been so depressed that an example of my day was that it takes 3 hours to get out of bed 3-6 hours to eat one meal, get 1 meal a day and 2 snacks because I was so hungry I was in pain. And just getting one load of laundry done was my emotional limit.
I sit there like a drill coach like okay, me, go get the laundry. Get up. Come on. Get up. And with that it will take and hour or more still.
This particular guy and we will call him Manslave because that’s what he is and he’s okay with it. I met him months ago and I noticed he was a very tactile person. But not in a bad way. He is a cuddler. He can talk too but more than anything he just wants to squeeze and hug people and make them feel better. He is smart too. He is smart because he listens and pays attention to details. If I tell him I like 70% cacao chocolate, the boy remembers. Conversations from months ago, the boy remembers. More importantly he remembers how important my boundaries are to me.
He found out I was stressed and somewhere between an investigation from the school going bust and only being 4 months off from my last self harm episode and suicidal episode and losing Kéyah and this new info of me maybe leaving Hawai’i forever I just couldn’t handle it.
So I texted him a very ambiguous message because he had previously offered his services as a cuddle buddy and I called in the favor last night.
Probably that was the best thing I could have done for myself because let me tell you the skin hunger was so bad I could not sleep. Being around dogs helps a lot but it does not fully replace human contact and I’m especially craving it right now because my boy KT is supposed to come back from his mission in just a few weeks and I don’t know what’s going to happen. He’s the one I really want to be with but I don’t know his deal. So I’m doing what any sensible royal would do and substituting in a manslave.
First of all I went into this knowing this boy was very much a cuddler and that I may need to remind him of my boundaries.
Secondly I promised myself if he did not respect a boundary I would throw him out of the house instantly and never see him again
Thirdly my roommate was home
Fourthly I told him my boundaries in a very open way and we communicated that before he even touched me.
My therapist would be so proud of me.
My dad would burn me at the stake.
So we decided to spoon and yes I am aware that I am a woman and when a woman has a very good figure and it’s pressed up against a man he can get excited.
But that is one of the biggest advantages of being me is that I am very sensitive to people’s intentions anyways and when I’m touching them they cannot lie to me and get away with it. I know what to look for.
So I could tell what his objectives were with each motion he made. And we talked about that.
I could tell when he was trying to soothe me because I talked about something painful, I could tell when he lost control a little bit and was getting too “excited”. I could tell his intentions instantly. And he was very honest with me too about himself and what was sexual for him and what wasn’t so we could adjust in a way that he didn’t get too turned on.
My hip and leg have collateral injuries and those started to hurt from spooning so we adjusted to them.
Now. Here’s the thing. I am pretty much asexual. As I have learned in the past, what turns me on is very very particular and rare. So one of my favorite cuddle positions when I was little before the abuse was to sit across my parent’s lap with my arms around their neck. I asked for that one because it’s easier for me than spooning. It feels more secure.
He offered to massage my hip and my back and I consented to let him because my strained hip needs to be massaged anyways and it was clear that he wanted to help.
Of course having a beautiful woman across ones lap is a reward in itself, but I didn’t mind because he wasn’t 1) pushing my boundaries 2) doing anything without my consent 3) forcing sex on me.
At one point he squeezed me close from pushing on my lower back and I felt him get turned on.
The surprising part was he was turned on. And I was turned off. As in, I nearly fell asleep on him.
The other surprise was that I didn’t mind his reaction all that much. He spoke to me and was honest that it would be hard not to get turned on if we chose this position and I have had so many guy friends that I completely understand. For them I have to be honest it gets very embarrassing because their arousal is so obvious to the public whether they want that or not. They also take longer to “wind down” when that happens.
And the other truth was that I liked it okay. It felt very unusual because I do not grind on guys ever, but the difference was consent, and also it made me fall asleep. I asked him to stop at one point because I felt it would be best to and he instantly stopped and didn’t do it again. He told me it was good I asked him to stop because he felt he was getting a little out of control.
There were a lot of variables about the cuddling that were hard for me. The first was obviously that if I had had a panic attack I wouldn’t have been able to assert my boundaries. Then there was the shame and guilt associated with touch for me. Then there was also trying to navigate it in a way that it wasn’t about sex but it was actual cuddling. It was good he was honest with me about how things made him feel because I do not percieve myself as being sexy at all so for me if I’m in a position where I am cuddling with or hugging a guy, for me it’s not sexual. And I made sure he knew that.
How do I feel about all this? Well… guilty. Guilty because I should be able to live without human touch, I managed it for 13 years. I should be independent and be able to handle myself better. Allowing him to get that close, as far as my PTSD was concerned, was like handing a nuclear warhead to someone who wanted to kill me.
In fact that is still what my PTSD is running through my mind and one reason I have been in bed all morning. But a few hours of cuddling last night quieted the skin hunger right on down and in that sense I feel a lot better. I told him he could come tonight too and we have a time limit this time. Last night was a long time but that’s because it’s what I needed.
There’s no arguing with PTSD. Believe me I’ve tried. Best I can do is what my therapist loves to do, exposure therapy. In a safe controlled way, I face my worst triggers, and when your brain finally realizes that you faced the trigger and didn’t die, it usually will quit being paralyzed by terror everytime it encounters the trigger.
My roommate was so cool about it. I asked her permission before I did this and made sure she was home and such for safety reasons. I hate PDA and I feel that when you share a home with someone, they need to be comfortable with whoever you bring into that home and what you do with them.
Yesterday when my brain realized I was going to get cuddles it jumped up and begged like a dog. Today I feel more relaxed about it. But it was so so hard to be the little spoon. It was. Because I don’t trust him. This isn’t about trust really for me, this is about need. All I need him to do is cuddle responsibly and we are good. And he knows that I’m using him for that and he is okay with it. I got his full consent too.
Of course my guyfriends will probably be out for blood if they find out about this. I don’t know what it is but men in my life are very protective of me. Talking to this one made me realize also that my guyfriends are probably more possessive because I’m attractive and no doubt some of them would not mind being my cuddle buddy but I intimidate them so much they can’t bring themselves to ask.
I found that idea strange because men in my life I just can’t picture them being turned on by me.
But the other benefit of having guyfriends is that guys know guys and their judgment on those matters is usually useful.
In this case I felt my hand was forced because the skin hunger was so bad it was painful and the thing is, the longer you put off taking care of it the worse it gets. Just like eating food. The longer you go without the more it hurts and if you go too long you starve.
I had a recent experience on my social media where a guy who wanted to date me liked a picture. In that picture I was wearing shorts. So I devised a clever plan. I had another photo of me in those shorts from a VERY fortuitous angle and I posted that to try to see exactly why he was on my Instagram.
Ladies and gentleman. He is there for the booty.
How do I know?
Because within 2 minutes he liked this
I made the post inspirational and wrote about recovering from multiple leg injuries and self care but my ulterior motive was to smoke this guy out of hiding. Guys will often save girls pictures for their own private uses and when they like a picture that is a form of communication. What he likes on social media sends a message because in my experience guys are particular with their likes. For girls it’s usually about if something is pretty. For guys it’s usually related to their current relationship status.
Anyways next time a man slides into those DMs keep all this in mind.